Dear L.M. Lion, Please remember that I love you.

As I hog tie you, gag you, and throw you in the truck of your own car for the next 12 hours.

I understand that you aren't feeling your best. I'm sorry that Orangutan and I shared our flu bug with you. I'm sorry the people who line up the daytime programming didn't take you into consideration when they were setting up today's line up. I know that they would have put on more shows that interest you if only they had known you were going to be home all. day. long.

Again, please remember that I love you dearly. But let's do a little review shall we? If I am in the kitchen taking dishes out of the dishwasher, chances are I'm cleaning out the dishwasher. The question, "Whatcha doin'?" might be a little uncecessary. Walking out to the livingroom, turning around and coming right back does not create the necessity to ask the question again when you get back oh say three seconds later.

Please don't ask me what you can do if you have no intention of giving my suggestion any thought. Folding laundry is not that strenuous and will keep you in close proximity to both the bathroom and the bed in the event you start to feel woozy or sick again.

I love you and I'm glad that you are feeling a little better than you were this morning. I hope you continue to recover quickly.

I'd hate to have to hurt you.

All my love and nursing,

The Zookeeper.

The Great Switch-a-Room Day 2: Part 2

But Sarah! You promised there would be footage. Well, yes, I did. But there is none. Would you like to know why?

Because NOTHING happened.

Lion DID go pick up the beds. However he came home and informed me that we needed to refinish them and paint the girls' room before we installed anything. Let's just account for the next 5 hours by saying "less than pleasant." Orangutan is dissappointed to still be in her "old bed" and Rhino is annoyed that he is still in "squeaky bed and SHE's still here!"

The only one who really could not possibly care less is Marmoset. A compromise was reached this afternoon after the Zookeeper escaped the gates for an hour or two. Yes the room will be painted - more accurately I will sponge another color over the white. But the beds and dresser will have to be content with a good cleaning and possible touch up. Hopefully next weekend will be the actual install if not sooner.

And so Switch-a-Room enters a third day - aren't you all giddy with delight? There's a several Mom Tips in here. I'd stay tuned if I were you!

What in the Grilled Cheese...?

Why? Why can I cook the perfect grilled cheese with three children clamoring around my ankles? But as soon as L.M. Lion gets in the door the pan starts sticking and the thing catches fire and turns into a charcoal briquette?

Somedays are meant for going back to bed.

The First Ask the Zookeeper!

So I asked some of my friends to help me out and pose some "Ask the Zookeeper" questions. Did I say they were my friends? Because looking at the list of questions I got I'm beginning to wonder! So here we go!

Cooking and baking are a passion of yours and I know that you refer to them as your "therapy." How did you discover that love? And what is your favorite thing about it?

When I started staying home with the exhibits 18 months ago (wow!), I had to fill the time. I went from working 60+ hours a week to being home all day, every day. There is only so much cleaning and decluttering you can do before you are scrubbing paint off the walls. So I started to look for recipes and meals that I could make to make more of our budget and to break up the monotony of beef, chicken, fish sticks! Playing with recipes and subbing things out quickly became a challenge to meet.

What do I love about it? The smell! You know you have a recipe right when you can come in from being outside and get hit with a smell that makes your tummy rumble. Do I eat what I bake? Actually not very much. I eat my meals and I have a cookie or two but I love to give them away or share with the neighbors.

The magic babysitter fairy has taken your kids on a trip to LaLa Land for the day and you have all day to yourself to do whatever you want. What are you going to do?

Sleep in. Take a shower without someone banging on the door or pulling back the curtain. Read a book. Watch one movie from beginning to end. Do my yoga without someone hanging off of Warrior 3. Take another shower in peace just because I can. Eat a grown up meal (no chicken nuggets, corndogs, bologna, or PB&J) without someone asking for a bite. Write a while. Sew a while.

Miss them like crazy!

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? (This friend must have missed my rant about what a bogus question this is!)

Mo will be 10, Tuck will be 8, Munch will be 6. Hmmm. I will probably be going back to work finally! Something part time so I can still be with them after school but enough to keep my brain busy during the day. We will probably also be getting ready to move out of this house because we will be bursting at the seams!

Where will you be sitting when Mo graduates high school, near the exit to make a dash bc you're bawling your eyes out or on the isle standing proud and telling Tuck to behave that's his sister or front row screaming when Mo's name is called.

I'll be somewhere in the middle sniffing into a tissue hoping no one sees me. Tuck will be a surly teenager getting ready to graduate the following year so he won't be much trouble. But I don't think I could bring myself to be the screaming parent. I'm just not THAT outspoken!

What will life be like when the zoo closes in 18 or so years?

I'm scared to even think! It will be just me and the grumpy old Lion and the security dog of the day. I hope it will be a fun time for both of us. I hope we will be that couple who will still have dinner on the deck with neighbors and go to concerts and who can still spend time together and apart without freaking out.

What would it be like if you had a 4th permanent exhibit?

Bwaaaaah Ha Ha Ha! Huggy jacket time for this Zookeeper! The Lion has campaigned in the past for extra exhibits and one night in mid migraine I told him that if finances allowed I would possibly reconsider. Not so much! I am quite happy with this little Zoo I have and sometimes I even feel like I might be in control. That being said, if another surprise came along, I would have an adjustment and the Zoo might get a little angry and cranky for a while but I would eventually come around. I love children and I know that I can rise to any challenge. I'd just like a different one for once!

So there you have it! Round 1 of "Ask the Zookeeper!" If you have a question for the Zookeeper you can send it to ineedthezoo(at)yahoo(dot)com.

Mom Tip #54

If you want it done right,…well, you know the rest.

L.M. Lion confessed today. He really cannot clean the kitchen. He tries sometimes and I have to give him credit for that. But he really is not good at it.

The dishwasher ends up loaded inefficiently; the clean silverware ends up a jumbled mess; the counters get a lick (from the dog probably) and a promise (that the Zookeeper will be done folding laundry soon) on the best of days; and the mop asks him for ID if he even looks in its direction. Lion looked at me today with the most pitiful of looks I have seen from him in a while and said, “Please, can you do it? You’re just so much better at it than me. And it will get done faster.” The “faster” is what got to me. The rest of the exhibits were clamoring for food and there was no way they were getting any from the kitchen in its current state.

So L.M. Lion took off to get fuel for his leaf blower so that he could complete a “man” project while I tackled the disaster area before FEMA showed up. By the time he got back from the gas station and got his yard shoes on I had reestablished that counters DID actually exist and had scoured a layer of…something out of a few pots in the sink. Before he was done with the yard the counters and stove top had been cleaned, the floor had been swept and the mop had thanked me for not letting him fall into the hands of that mad man who had been eyeballing him. The small exhibits were enjoying their rations and even the dog had a look of gratitude for clearing a path to his food bowl.

Moms, I know we wish our significant others would help more with the housework. But do we really mean it? Really? Deep down we know that we are going to end up redoing the things they don’t do to our liking and we really don’t want to help in the yard anyway.

I’m just saying. If you want it done right,…well, you know the rest.

Mom Tip #52

Plans are NEVER set in stone – even if you ARE the one who made them.

I think one of the biggest challenges of motherhood is being constantly and faithfully flexible while maintaining your sanity. You can plan a full day and an hour after announcing the plan, the whole smash is shot to pieces and you have to roll with it like the champ you are.

Take my day today. I got up this morning (after sleeping so fitfully on the couch with a teething baby all night) bright and early. The girls were cooperative while getting ready for church. The boys were still in bed but I had a brief conversation with L.M. Lion.

Me: So you are going to carve the pumpkins today, right?
Lion: Sure.Me: Would you pick up a newspaper when you go to get the carving kit while I’m at church? I want to check the sales before I go do the grocery shopping this afternoon.
Lion: I thought I was going to BJ’s (shopping club thing).
Me: When do you want to do that?
Lion: I’ll go tomorrow before I go to work.
Me: Awesome. But get a paper anyway because we need produce and some non-BJ’s stuff.

That settled the final plan was I go to church. I come home, drop off children and run to do grocery shopping while he has quality time with the zoo. I come home; he goes to watch football with his buddies. Then we have a nice family evening carving pumpkins at home.

I came home from church to two boys still in PJ’s, my kitchen trashed from pumpkin guts, no one has had breakfast and my paper has already been torn apart. But I am Mom. I can be flexible. So I scramble to restore order to the kitchen while stewing pumpkin, toasting seeds and making PB&J’s for lunch. I look up to see L.M. Lion in the kitchen door dressed to head to football. Huh? What about the grocery store? Take them with you. When they have been trying to kill each other all day? Not on your life! Well, you’ll work it out. Deep breath. I am Mom. I can be flexible.

Three hours later he comes home. You haven’t been to the grocery store yet? No. I was waiting for you to get home to watch the children. But I was going to go to BJ’s. I thought that was tomorrow morning! I decided to do it today. And you called to tell me when? Well, can you go so I can have the van? Not everything is going to fit in my car. I am Mom. I can be flexible. I grabbed Marmoset and out the door we went for a sprint through the grocery store.

I came home to no progress on the pumpkin front and L.M. Lion napping on the couch. Do I need to mention that BJ’s is happening tomorrow? Two of the three pumpkins got done and dinner was called on account of whiplash.

I am Mom. I can be flexible – just give me a little warning, would you?

Wordless Wednesday

And he wonders what I do all day.

Welcome to my world Large Male Lion!

A Moment Away from the Zoo

Please pardon me while I diverge from the normal Zoo nonsense. I have found myself thinking deeper than usual Zoo related thoughts today and really wanted to share. We will return to the normal level of insanity sooner than I would like, I am sure.

If you have not been by The Bowl today, take a moment and pop over. And that is not the traffic directing ploy it looks like - it really is relevant. Earlier today I let a vent go about our gas situation and then an apologetic letter to Karma for my outburst. Now I have had vacuuming and two loads of laundry to ponder the gas situation more and have a whole new perspective.

Every time we have gotten in the van for the past two days I have muttered under my breath, "God give me enough to get there and back." Maybe not your most faithful prayer and certainly not something I expected anyone to pay attention to. But then we got the call from the Lion today and went to the station that had gas. As we pulled up, Tuck piped up from the back seat, "Hey Mom! God heard you! He gave us gas!!" Eye opening in and of itself wouldn't you say!

As we sat there waiting our turn I peeked in the side view mirror to see how the line was going. Several cars back there was an older body damaged car that looked like it might need an extra push to get to the pump. I looked past it quickly without really noting. Then it was our turn and I busied myself with swiping my card and hitting all the right buttons and putting the nozzle in my tank. It was my full intention to fill up and top off my tank. The Tie was not going to have another opportunity to stick it to me any time soon!

Then I saw that car again. This time though I saw the people in the car. It was a family with two car seats. The mother let a small smile pass her face every time her hubby pulled into the next place in line. The father kept looking over at her and giving her reassuring smiles which faded as soon as she looked away. The anxiety was so incredibly clear as they got one car closer. Would there be enough? Would they be the last car to get a tank?

I stopped the pump. I knew I only had about half a tank but I just could not put any more in my van. Where do I go everyday? To pick Mo up from school and bring her home. That's it - three miles round trip. Where did that father go every day in that car that was already on its last leg? What if the seven gallons I didn't put in my van gave him a chance to take one extra shift? What would that mean to his family? Would it make a difference?

I did not know those answers. I had no idea if I was going to make any difference. But I knew how I felt when The Tie took more than I thought he needed. It just wasn't in me to do that to a family that seemed to be in need. I knew I was going to have to explain to Lion why I only had half a tank. I knew he was going to say I was foolish but then he would look as his children and give me a hug and that smile that admits I was right - just not out loud.

I didn't give Tuck a lecture about taking just what you need on the way home. I didn't even mention the God statement again. As I watched him smiling and looking out the window on the way home I thanked God for giving me gas and a heart to share it.

Mom Tip #40

Shoo all significant others from the room! This is for Mom’s Eyes Only!

We’re not always right!

Insert collective gasp here! And that is why I noted this tip as MEO.

Yesterday Lord of the Manor was given his first day off in over 8 weeks. He was “ordered” by the boss to take the day off and spend it with the family. So it was time to decide what to do. Through a friend it looked like we were going to the Aquarium for free but Mo was at school. Daddy begged, pleaded, cajoled and even pulled the “It’s Pre-K! It’s not like she’s studying for her SAT’s!” I folded. I didn’t want to pull her out of school on her 7th day but I folded and let Daddy pull her.

We had a fabulous family day! I was wrong. If she hadn’t been with us, it wouldn’t have been as much fun because we would have been rushed to get back to pick her up. She would have missed out on a really great visit to an incredible place. I can’t even imagine the tears I would have been dealing with! So I was wrong.

How many times have I told Tuck not to play with his food? Today he and I were having lunch together. Just us. Kind of like a date. Guess what we did? We played with our food. Have you ever seen a child peeking through the hole he just made in the middle of his PB&J? Have you ever seen the smile that comes out from behind the sandwich as he gets ready to make the hole “REALLY BIG!! Chomp!!”? Or the smile that happens when both of us play monkey and share a banana?

That was one of the best lunch dates I’ve had in a really long time! So I was wrong.

Now. Everyone reading. Right hand over your heart and repeat after me. I, (insert your name), pledge and promise to never breathe a word to the Zookeeper’s family that she can be wrong from time to time.

Hey! I’d do it for you!

Mom Tip #38

You may feel cut off from the non-Mom world sometimes but you are never alone.

Since Mo has gone to school things have quieted significantly here at the Zoo. I was actually wondering where I was going to get the inspiration for more Mom Tips! Then my alter ego (the Zookeeper) received the following communication from one of the Zookeeper Sisterhood.

“Dear Zookeeper,

Greetings from a fellow zookeeper! I am writing you to see if you would be willing to accept a zoo transfer. I am preparing to take a leave of absence to attend Zookeeper Sanity Camp. I have a small female chimpanzee who needs placement. As I have noticed that your Orangutan has managed to keep her coat in pristine condition, I thought your zoo would be ideal. My Chimp has a bit of a grooming issue of late and needs some serious rehabilitation. There was a bit of an incident with my large male Baboon that has left her looking a bit rough. Please think over the offer carefully. I will contact you upon release from the ZSC to arrange her transfer back to my facility.

Oh, and if you also have room for a Hyena and a very small Hippo, please let me know!”

Now a word of explanation. The Chimpanzee in question met a Hyena with scissor operating skills yesterday. While the Baboon (who was supposed to be on duty while the Zookeeper was at her other place of employment) dozed, the Hyena played hairstylist. My sister Zookeeper put it as “Billy Ray Cyrus’s love child had a run in with a weed wacker.”

The Baboon – thinking he was being funny and charming and “helpful” – decided today that he could fix the problem and now the Chimp has a bald spot above her right ear where she was not a fan of the Baboon’s clippers.

No matter how wild or insane or out of Mom’s control things get, remember there are more of us out there probably having the day you’re having. And if you have learned nothing else from this tip…..

Never leave 2 monkeys and a hyena in a hair salon.

A letter to the Zoo

Dear Zoo,

I would like to take a moment to address a small issue. There are some big changes coming our way and if yesterday was any indication, these changes will not go smoothly.

Large Male Lion, if you continue to insist that your hunting is more important than my zoo keeping you may find yourself as hunter and zookeeper. Please understand that this would mean all cleaning, feeding and grooming would become your responsibility on top of your already demanding hunting. May I suggest that you stick to your hunting and at least offer to help with the zoo keeping to prevent my resignation.

To my Orangutan. I understand that you are delighted about your upcoming tour. Please keep your celebratory climbing and other antics to a low din. Your recent burst of enthusiasm has created quite a stir with Rhino and Marmoset and has led to very loud and precarious situations in which exhibits are damaged.

::sigh:: S.M. Rhino. There are so many issues that I would like to cover with you but perhaps I should address the most detrimental behaviors. It would be a tremendous help to me if you would refrain from any more public exhibitionism. Marmoset has started to follow your lead and she is very challenging to re groom. She has also taken up your hobby of streaking which is really just embarrassing to all the residents.

I would also like to request that you curtail your very vocal demands for refreshments. The high pitched squeals and loud roars (especially when in a confined space) are beginning to cause your zookeeper physical pain which we all agree never leads to a happy zoo.

And finally Marmoset. The zoo has operating hours for a reason. When the zoo is closed it allows me (your zookeeper) to rest and prepare for our next day. Your recent desire to open the zoo around the clock is simply not feasible. I should also point out that you are the ONLY resident who would like to be open 24 hours. Even your security guard gets testy when the zoo is not closed for an adequate period.

I sincerely hope that all of you will take my suggestions and directives to heart. It is not my desire to resign from the zoo. However, if we have another day like yesterday I will be left with no choice but to take a leave of absence until further notice.

Thank you and have a lovely weekend!
The Zookeeper

Mom Tip #35

Prepare for Armageddon and be delighted with a Cat 3 hurricane!

We have all taken our children to a doctor’s visit or the dentist or the hair salon right? I try not to take all three if only one is being seen. That should go without saying! Why would you take a rainstorm with you on a picnic right?!

Magoo had her first dentist appointment this morning. I was anxious to begin with but I thought that since it would be just the two of us all would go well. And that was holding until Daddy came home from work last night.

A. No med form that I was supposed to have completed before I got to the office.
B. He was going to have to be at the office at 8 and the appointment was at 8:30. This means I’m taking all three with me. Anybody else’s blood pressure rising just thinking about it?

My hair voluntarily fell out in clumps to spare me the pain and energy it would have required to pull it out.

So I started preparing last night. Do Mo’s hair right out of the tub so I don’t have to do it in the morning. Pack Daddy’s lunch tonight so I don’t have to pack it in the morning. Prep the coffee tonight so I can just flip a switch in the morning. Have a mental picture of all the clothes that everyone is going to wear so that I can just grab them and go. Pack juice cups and tuck them in the fridge. Bag up animal crackers and drop them in the diaper bag. Make sure we have the school form for the dentist to sign.

You would have thought I was taking an all day trip to the zoo not a 2 hour trip WITH the zoo.

Going out the door this morning everyone got to grab one quiet toy to go with the extra books Mom grabbed for entertainment. I left with plenty of time (since now I have to try to fill out a medical form with 3 dancing children around). I even wore my khaki green shorts because I just knew I was headed into war!

And it went off without a hitch! Mo was a trooper and was cooperative the whole time. The hygienist and the doctor were incredibly impressed with her. {We’ll see if they keep that opinion when we start fixing all the work they found!} Tuck and Munch played and watched the fish without incident. They got a little cranky right before we left but they were easily bribed with animal crackers. I even gave a bag away to another mom who forgot hers.

Now imagine if I hadn’t been that prepared? Oh yeah!! Then you KNOW that things would have gotten ugly in a hurry. But instead of the end of the world (or at least my children) I got a small hurricane.

And get this! I wasn’t even a Girl Scout!!

Mom Tip #34

How to decide if you want more children.

My beloved works outside of the home about 12-14 hours a day. I don’t. I’m here. All day. Every day. 7 days a week. I am here.

He keeps asking me for another baby. I keep laughing in his face!

If you are trying to decide if you should have another child, I suggest that you go through the Mom Tip Decision Maker.

Step 1 Give your children 2 peanut butter sandwiches and a bag of M&M’s. Allow them to eat until they are full. Then top them off with 2 gallons each of red koolaid.

Step 2 Call the children’s best friends and invite their mothers to drop them off for anywhere from a couple of hours to a full day. The length of time should be proportional to how badly you want a baby. Really REALLY want a baby? Have a sleepover complete with ice cream.

Step 3 Get the dog a new toy that he really loves to play with and toss him into the playroom with the children.

Then you test. If you can keep the house clean, refrain from snatching yourself bald, avoid the call from your local home owners association for violating the noise standard, and keep the neighbors from calling Child Protective Services, WITHOUT DRINKING, you are cleared for another child.

You are fine with the child count but your beloved keeps asking for more? Easy Peasy! Repeat Step 1, turn off your cell phone and head to Barnes and Noble for 2 hours. Problem solved!

A letter from the Zookeeper

Dear Frequent Visitors,

As you may have gathered from my recent communications with Marmoset, there are some changes afoot at the Zoo. Orangutan is on her way to O.A.T (Orangutan Academic Training) and will become a touring exhibit beginning next week. Due to this adjustment at the Zoo, there may be a period of erratic communication. We apologize in advance for any inconvenience this may cause but assure you whole heartedly that as soon as the new hours are well established we will be back to full operation.

Orangutan's O.A.T will lead to significantly increased time in our livestock trailer so you may also rest assured that many more letters and tips from the Mom who shares this page are sure to arise. It will be interesting to observe Lion's behavior during this transistion as he can be a very demanding Zoo resident.

Thank you for your dedication to our Zoo. Without visitors like you, we really just talk to the walls. (And the toucans next door don't really like that!)

Sincerely,
The Zookeeper

Mom Tip #29

It’s okay. We all have days when we hate the sound of our own name.

I mean, makes your skin crawl, want to stab yourself in the ears HATE the sound of your own name. And not just your name but all the other names you go by. Here’s the list of names that I am not a fan of today.

“Honey!”

Hubby’s phone rang bright and early today to let him know that he was needed at the office asap. From there it went something like this. “Honey! Where’s my hairbrush?”
“Honey! Can you pack me a lunch?”
“Honey! The baby’s awake!”
“Honey! Can you get me some clothes for Tuck?”
“Honey! Can you find me a travel mug?”
“Honey! I forgot to tell you something; can you come back here?”
“Honey! Can you pass me the creamer?”
“Honey! Can you put the creamer away?”
“Honey! You have one big mess over here in the high chair.”
“Honey! Have you seen my wallet?”
“Bye Honey! Have a good day!”

I’m changing my name to Elvis.


“Mom, Mommy, and every whiney version of Mom!”

“Mom, can you check my butt?”
“Momma, Meghan stinks!”
“Mooooom! Tucker snatched from me!”
“Mamaaaaaaaah! Mo smacked me on the head!”
“No! No! Nooooo! Mooom! I don’t want to go potty!”
“Ma, I need another snack.”
“Look Mom! We just destroyed your bed again!”
“mum mum mum mum mum mum mum (you see where this is going right?) mum mum mum (Can I help you Meghan?) mum mum mum mum.”

I’m changing my name to Elvis.

I don’t think I would even want to hear my own mother say my name right now. If the lottery people called I’m sure they’d use “Mrs. C” and I haven’t heard that one yet today so maybe I could handle that. Otherwise you may call me Elvis.

And Elvis has left the building.