Mom Tip #40

Shoo all significant others from the room! This is for Mom’s Eyes Only!

We’re not always right!

Insert collective gasp here! And that is why I noted this tip as MEO.

Yesterday Lord of the Manor was given his first day off in over 8 weeks. He was “ordered” by the boss to take the day off and spend it with the family. So it was time to decide what to do. Through a friend it looked like we were going to the Aquarium for free but Mo was at school. Daddy begged, pleaded, cajoled and even pulled the “It’s Pre-K! It’s not like she’s studying for her SAT’s!” I folded. I didn’t want to pull her out of school on her 7th day but I folded and let Daddy pull her.

We had a fabulous family day! I was wrong. If she hadn’t been with us, it wouldn’t have been as much fun because we would have been rushed to get back to pick her up. She would have missed out on a really great visit to an incredible place. I can’t even imagine the tears I would have been dealing with! So I was wrong.

How many times have I told Tuck not to play with his food? Today he and I were having lunch together. Just us. Kind of like a date. Guess what we did? We played with our food. Have you ever seen a child peeking through the hole he just made in the middle of his PB&J? Have you ever seen the smile that comes out from behind the sandwich as he gets ready to make the hole “REALLY BIG!! Chomp!!”? Or the smile that happens when both of us play monkey and share a banana?

That was one of the best lunch dates I’ve had in a really long time! So I was wrong.

Now. Everyone reading. Right hand over your heart and repeat after me. I, (insert your name), pledge and promise to never breathe a word to the Zookeeper’s family that she can be wrong from time to time.

Hey! I’d do it for you!

Mom Tip #15

Yes, Motherhood changes everything!

(Yes, zoo members I went back to the archives today. This one was just too good not to share!)

Remember? How many of your friends who were already mothers told you that when you first found out you were pregnant? Yeah, me too! But I thought they were talking about the lifestyle thing. And yeah, that has changed but there's more they didn't warn me about. For example.....

My butt.
Maybe it's because I had my 3 very close together. Maybe it's because I had a sit down job while I was pregnant (hey, I know I'm reaching!). Here's the point. I could work out until the sun goes dark. I could live on celery and vitamin water for the rest of my life. But I am NEVER getting my butt back. There isn't a crowbar, roll of duct tape or bungee cord that is ever going to make my immoveable force get back into a size 6 pair of jeans. I have to face the facts.

My stomach.
I'm not talking about my abs - about a million more crunches and I might get those back. I'm talking about the organ inside. It will no longer accept hot food. It will only receive half eaten stone cold hot dogs from toddler plates or thoroughly cold, never touched food from my own plate but only if there is no one else left at the table and it’s eaten over the sink. My stomach has also converted from organ to steel. Sights and smells that would have once upon a time had me praying to the porcelain god now barely manage to make my eyes tear up.

My wardrobe.
I'm pretty sure there isn't a single article of clothing in my closet that doesn't have some very faint trace of spit up, jelly, juice, or unmentionable/unidentifiable stuff on it. And I know for certain that there isn't anything "just for pretty" in there. All my clothes have a very utilitarian air to them that make them very friendly with the washing machine. Oh wait! Back there?! Is that a dress? Nope, never mind. It's a six.

My car.
I can deal with giving up my pick up for a sedan. I have even come to grips with the fact that I had to give up my sedan for a minivan. I just want to have one day - just one! - when we get in the van and I don't step on a cheerio, cheeze it, or piece of....what IS that?! And what is that SMELL?!?!

My heart.
Someday I know I won't get my cardio workout from watching my son in an Easter basket at the top of the living room stairs. Or watching my toddler climb on top of the coffee table and grin in triumph while I'm up to my elbows in a raw turkey.

I also know that my heart will never be the size 1 that it once was. But I kind of like the size 5 that I have. It has just enough room for all the love that my hubby and children have brought into my life. Yeah. Motherhood changes everything alright. Just not exactly what you expect.

Mom Tip #28

You don’t really want to know “how?” or “why?”

How did the fully clothed baby end up back in the bathtub?

Why is the dog wearing my bra?

How did you get the monkey wrench and why are you trying to tighten your brother’s head?

I have learned that there are absolutely no circumstances under which you should ask any questions in the bathroom. “How did THAT get THERE?” is one that I avoid at all cost.

Why is the garden shovel in the middle of the living room?

How did the dog dish end up in my bed? And why is it upside down?

How did the baby get on top of the washing machine?

Why are there cornflakes all over the playroom? And how did you get them off the top of the refrigerator?

I stopped asking who did it a long time ago. The only culprits in this house are Mr. Nobody and Ms. Shrug. “What happened?” is entirely too vague and any answer that starts with “Well, see Mom…” can’t go anywhere good.

“What is that smell?” is one that never gets a good answer or one that I want to know anyway.

I know you’ve heard it before but it rings particularly true for mothers. Ignorance is bliss!