The ????

Grandkeeper and Silverback are on vacation at the ZIT's house this week.  That said, I didn't really expect to hear from them much this week even with the new additions.  However...apparently last night there was great discussion of this little blog of mine.

ZIT gave them all a rundown of all the alter egos that everyone has.  Zookeeper, Lion, Orangutan, Rhino, Marmoset, ZIT, Grandkeeper and Silverback.  I'm pretty sure she covered the security team too.

Then her hubster piped up and the text messages started flying.  "Why don't I have a nickname yet?!"

So I asked if he had one in mind or had any ideas about a name to which there was no real reply or idea.  Guess what you get to do now?  You get to help us create Uncle N's alter ego.  Some facts you should now.  If he sticks out his tongue his shadow looks like a zipper.  Yes, he's that thin.  And he's a paratrooper/master carpenter/engineer/drill instructor.

See why he doesn't have a nickname?! 

Now we kicked a few around last night. 
The Badger (a nod to the DI in him). 
The Wombat (a nod to...well, I'm not really sure). 
And then (his current preference - we think) The Flying Wonder Weasel.

But here it is Zoo Visitors!  Time to name the...well, Gonzo for lack of a better temporary idea.

Come on out Camera Man!

I have learned so much about my children this summer. 

Orangutan knows no strangers and has no idea what "family business only" means.  She will talk to anyone about anything all day long.  Whether they want to hear or know it.  Yes, it IS embarrassing.  And if you don't know all about our vacation to PA then you don't live within a 15 mile radius.

Rhino is all boy.  From naked happy dances to non stop eating to just general grossness, he couldn't be more boy if you pumped him full of 'roids.  And no, that's not an invite.  Heaven knows, he's already moody enough.

But the focus of today is Marmoset.  I believe I have shared in the past that the fellows at Lion's old office used to call her "Hollywood" because she never showed up without her shades.  Well, she is definitely headed for "Last Comic Standing." 

She insists that someone go to the bathroom with her every time she has to go.  The whole time she is in there she is making faces and talking in weird voices and telling me stories that would make me roll on the floor if it wasn't the bathroom.  Yesterday she felt the need to inform me that her behind had exploded and she really didn't want it put back together.  "'Cause I like it like this!  And I won't need unders!"

I really looked up to see where the hidden camera was.  I mean someone has to coach a kid to say these things, don't they?  And to say it in a 65 year old smoking bartender's voice at the same time?  I mean really.  Lion had to have signed some reality TV contract behind my back.

I wonder what I will have to do to get voted off the island.

Oh, the Posts of Days Gone By...

I was suffering from some writer's block this morning so I went back to some of my older posts and read for a while to try to spark something. I actually laughed at myself in a few of those. Which makes me wonder what happened but that's another day. Everyone get out your Wayne's World fingers because we are going back in time.

Doodle lee Doot. Doodle lee Doot. Doodle lee Doot.

Mom Tip #18 - Just Laugh!

Mom Tip #29 - You May Call me Elvis. This is Lion's favorite post

Mom Tip #41 - Never Clean During PMS Weak Stomach Warning!

Mom Tip #54 - Motherhood is Gross! Another WSW.

How to Tell you're a Grown Up!

Someday I'll get back to that kind of writing. Thanks for hanging with me until I do. Zoo fans Rock!

Zoo Talk and the Lesson of the Week

I absolutely promise you that all of these conversations/scenarios have happened within the last 24 hours. And now you will understand why I refer to it as a Zoo!

ZK (That's me): Son, did you ever get a tissue and take care of that thing earlier?
Rhino: Yup!
ZK: So the one I'm looking at now is new?

R: You betcha!

From the dungeon (aka playroom)
O: Why won't you let me play with you? You are the meanest brother EVER!!
R: Oh Ho! You think so?

(I think he took it as a challenge!)

M: Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! (running up and down the hall waving her hands above her head wide eyed and crazy like)

ZK: What are you doing?

M: He's gonna get me!!
ZK: Who?!

M: (looking around all 360 degrees) Well, now. Where did he go?

O: Hey Momma, you know the cartoon when Pebbles and Bam Bam got married?
ZK: No. Did Pebbles and Bam Bam REALLY get married? I did not know that!
O: (all seriousness!) Mom. You really HAVE to watch more cartoons!

And finally, the lesson of the week from The Zoo:
I know you don't like how he's playing the game, but you can't make people play the way you want them to all the time. Sometimes you have to just go play a different game.

I know some adults who could use that lesson too, but we'll save that for another day, shall we?

******

And on a completely different note: Book count for our bedtime reading Project? 20 since Saturday night. None have been chapter books since we are at the beginning of The Project and a few of those have been repeats (Marmie thinks we should read Skeleton Hiccups every night) but so far the kids are loving the project. Our bedtime routine has gone much smoother since they know at the end of it they get to pile on the big bed and read. Yay!! We will probably try to start adding some more chapter books and classics this weekend and into next week.

While we're talking about it, The Project still has no name. A few that have been rattling around in my head for your consideration? The Bunkbed Project (since the girls just got bunk beds). Or Project Goodnight Zoo (a little nod to Good Night Gorilla). Feel free to toss your name suggestions our way. We will probably poll next week.

Horsefeathers! A Father's Legacy

My father (The Great Silverback) would be distraught to think that "Horsefeathers!" is his legacy to me but it is so much more than just "Horsefeathers!"

If The Grand Keeper gifted my sister and I with "The Mother's Curse" then The Great Silverback gifted us with "Horsefeathers!" and the ability to use it well. What is "Horsefeathers!" you ask?

Silverback is the handiest of handy men. He can sharpen the mower blades; change the alternator in a tractor; re plumb a bathroom; pull wire to a whole new floor; and tune up the bushings on Grand Keeper's over lock (sewing) machine all in one day. Ok, well the wiring may take a couple days but you get my point. He is the handiest of handy men.

His gift to my sister and I was to let us observe him doing all of the above and more on more than one occasion. We know the difference between a box wrench and crescent wrench. We can pick a ball hammer out of a line up. And we never forget to turn off the water or breaker when doing the appropriate home repair or maintenance.

If you have ever done or been involved in home maintenance, then you are probably aware that inevitably in every do it yourself project there comes a moment when you want to flip out, lose it, or cuss like a sailor. The handiest of men was not immune to these moments. A nail would fall between the 1/4 inch gap into the abyss. A piece of plywood wouldn't stay square to where it was going to end up. The wrench slipped off the nut at maximum torque and projected his knuckles into the immovable force removing several layers of flesh upon contact.

It was at these moments that my sister and I were gifted with "Horsefeathers!" Silverback was very mindful of his influence in our lives and the last thing he wanted to do was introduce us to the art of colorful phraseology. The Grand Keeper, in her infinite wisdom, learned that "Horsefeathers!" was a good indicator that our observation time was up and that we should probably leave the area.

Over time we learned to laugh about Horsefeathers and even considered adding it to our lexicon of DIY vocabulary. But were we worthy? Had we survived enough skinned knuckles to warrant a Horsefeathers moment?

Only time would tell. (aka To Be Continued...)

Two Weeks Notice!

That's it! I'm turning in my two weeks notice! I can't take it anymore!

Good thing they are going back to school in two weeks right? Well, Orangutan and Rhino are going to school anyway. Marmoset will still be here with me but that's a whole different world from what we've had this summer.

Holy Crap!

For the first half of the summer I was on it. I would go for a walk first thing; do housework in the early morning while the kids did chores; then we would do some school style stuff so that the two big ones could learn letters and Marmie could do art projects. Then we would hit the pool (yes, every day!) and play all afternoon. The theory was that they would be so worn out by the end of the day that they would pass out without issue! I am rewriting that theory. Mom was so worn out that she couldn't even fight back when they insisted that 12:30 was a perfectly respectable bed time.

I got derailed on the school stuff at the end of June but the kids have forgiven me and according to the review we did this morning they DID actually retain some of the letters and sounds we did earlier. Orangutan is now swimming like a fish and Rhino doesnt' freak out about getting his head wet anymore so that was successful too.

So why am I turning in my notice? Let's see. Orangutan lost her first tooth last week which was gross. She let it go until it was hanging by a string and felt the need to show me just how wiggly it was all the time. Gross! And then last night Rhino decided that he should take a few teeth out too. Ok so he didn't do it on purpose and they didn't come all the way out but taking a header face first into a maple coffee table creates quite a bloody mess. Daddy actually "popped" the teeth back into place when he fell asleep. Yeah, I gagged a little too.

And for the love of Pete! Will these children ever stop eating? I swear my grocery bill has been $100 higher all summer long because they eat nonstop! They've all gained at least 3 inches. Then you have the $700 dollars we spent on dental work. It's a good thing summer is coming to an end because we would be broke if it kept going.

But I am very grateful for the time this summer. We have had a good summer and I think the kids had fun. There has been minimal bloodshed (well, until last night) and a little education going on so I guess it's been a productive summer.

Even so, I'm looking forward to my two weeks being up. And as for that 12:30 bedtime? I'll have my revenge on Monday morning in two weeks!

Summertime, and the Livin's Cray-zee!

Well, this is it. The time of year that every stay home mom dreads. Summer. The time when the following questions play in your head even while you are asleep (which I think we have established, mom's don't ever really do).

What do we have to eat?
Is it time to eat?

What can we do now?

Can we go to the pool now?

and of course the every popular collection of catch phrases...

I'm bored.
I'm hungry.
He/she did (insert ultimate world ending evil here) to me!!

I thought I was going to be ok. I made a plan two weeks ago. O is having some literacy issues at school so we are going to have Zoo Summer School! I am Super Mom and therefore I can come up with activities and games and other occupations to help her learn in a fun and engaging way.

Yesterday was Day 1 of my Super Plan. We woke up and hour later than I had planned. Marmie sat on the potty for 15 minutes with no result. And Rhino peed his bed. While I was stripping sheets Marmie went into the kitchen and peed on the floor which of course O walked through. I mopped up the mess and handed out breakfast. We had a nice little chat about what we were going to do while everyone ate and I unloaded the dishwasher.

Breakfast was wrapping up nicely when Marmie got out of her chair and peed on the floor again. Three guesses what O did! Yup, walked through it again!

Ladies and gents that was all before 9 AM yesterday.

The rest of the day went rather well. Our letter of the day was B so we drew B's in grits on cookie sheets; did a B treasure hunt around the house; beat Mom on the head with a baseball bat! (Not really but a late cup of coffee and missed breakfast made me feel like it.) All in all we managed to salvage it and have a good day.

Fast forward to today when we decide to take a trek to the pool. The usual departure chaos but overall a pretty easy time getting out of the house. Being that it is still early in the year, the water was the expected cold but children have no thermostats so they didn't care which meant that I COULDN'T care. Swimming, swimming, swimming.

Hey gang. Let's take a potty break. Rhino had been refusing to get back in the pool for a good 15 minutes and when we went to the potty I learned why and thanked God. Serious debris in the mesh swimming trunks. (Sure! Go ahead and gag. I did!!) Pack everyone up and trek back while watching "stuff" fall out his pant leg. (Gagging again!)

Did I mention that we have been doing a letter of the day? Yeah and today's was P. I really didn't need this many words that started with P.

My Mommy by Orangutan!

This morning was O's Mother's Day program at school. They sang for us and then presented us with gifts and a little interview that they put together with the teachers. I'll sharee the interview first (because the computer is slow and hasn't finished loading the video yet).

These are the answers to 10 questions the teachers asked Orangutan.

1. My dad calls my mom Sarah.
I would have said he calls me "Honey where's the..." but it was her interview not mine.

2. My mom is as tall as a pole.
Not sure how I feel about that. I guess it's better than being as tall as a frog, right?

3. My mom weighs I don't know. I never weighed her before.
Good use of diplomacy O. I am so glad she stuck to the scientific answer! By the way the low bid out of all the moms was 10 pounds I think. She looked good too!

4. My mom is 19 years old.
Boy, I sure wish I felt like I was 19! My knees actually made audible creaks this morning. And the low bid on age was 5 - yes, that would mean simultaneously being born and giving birth. Not a labor I want to be part of thank you very much!

5. Her favorite drink is fancy ones.
Maybe cocktail hour has been happening a little early lately! Eeek!

6. Her favorite restaurant is fancy ones.
The correct answer here is any! As long as I don't have to clean I'm golden.

7. She likes to play with us for fun.
Or take a nap, or watch a movie or write, but yeah, playing with them is a pretty good deal too!

8. She enjoys cooking pizza.
Time to shake up the dinner menu again!

9. She looks prettiest when she wears a black dress.
She could have said "dress" in general or "when she actually showers" so I'll take this one.

10. My mom is so smart she can even get me, my brother, and my sister a playground that you can pick a circus, then switch again and find a new one. If you get on the sun the game is shorter.

See, what she was trying to say is that I'm so smart I can get them to play a board game together with minimal bloodshed. But instead she described the game.

And now (an hour and a half later) I can share with you the musical number from our morning. O is in the very back because she's one of the tallest in her class. Sorry about the quality. It's from our digital camer. Any one who would like an idea for a birthday gift (coming up soon!) is welcome to remember that a gift card to Best Buy is a really GOOD idea! (Pass it on sis!)

When Animals Attack!

This has been a very strange week for me animal wise. I'm not sure why but it seems that every day this week there has been an animal related incident that has made me laugh or freak me out.

Sunday I was planting on the porch and suddenly saw a little gecko pop out from under the door between our screen porch and our deck. Being the educationally encouraging mother I am, I called Orangutan and Rhino out of the yard where they were playing in the sprinkler to observe this gift of nature. We even had a deep conversation about how his tail ould fall off if they touched it. And then he ducked back under the door.

Please keep in mind that our screen porch is just off of our master bed room and the sliding glass door has been open to air the house out. Rhino pursued our little friend into the screen porch and I went back to planting. At least I went back to planting until I heard this.

"It's ok pal! My room is right there across the hall. Just run through Mommy's room to the other side."

Yeah, no! I am not up for lizards in my bed, under my bed, or rotting in Rhino's closet. No sir! Lizards stay outside, thank you very much!

Fast forward two days to a phone call from my college roommate during which she recounted the capture of 8 (or nine - we're not sure) crickets that were released in her car. Did I mention that she didn't find out about the crickets until it was dark and she was driving said car? Yeah.

And then we called Grand Keeper and Silverback. Chat, chat, chat. Grand Keeper erupts in unexplained laughter. "Mom? What's going on?"

"I'm not sure but your father is dancing." This peaks Orangutan's curiosity because she knows Silverback is an "awesome" dancer. "Why is he dancing, Grammy?"

More laughter followed by lots of stomping. "There's a bee in Poppie's pants!!"

My mother had put laundry out on the clothesline last weekend and a bee got trapped in my father's pants and stayed there all week. Well, until he put them on last night anyway. The bee is no more. That was funny enough to make Orangutan laugh until she fell off my lap but the real kicker came next.

"It's not funny girl!" Silverback was chuckling himself. "If you think that's funny wait until I tell you about the mouse that ran up my leg and into my boot!"

And you were all wondering why I call this The Zoo!

The New Innies and Outies

Well, there is a very good chance that we have FINALLY gotten over the hump with Rhino's potty training. It has been a long and tearfilled journey but he has finally taken mercy on me and decided that the potty is not the black hole of death.

In celebration of this fact we are now moving on to encouraging very "boy" behaviors such as standing and aiming. For the sake of my bathroom floor, we started this project outside. Yes, I have been encouraging my son to pee on trees in the back yard. And before you all freak out and call me looney because after all suburbia isn't country, we have a very high privacy fence and lots of trees and bushes. No one is "peeping" on my son. And he is keenly aware that this is only BACK yard behavior.

Last night we moved training inside. Unfortunately the timing could have been better. Orangutan was jumping in for her shower when suddenly a completely naked (fresh out of the tub) Rhino came sprinting into the bathroom screaming, "Gotta pee! Gotta pee!" Nothing like an entrance. He was all too excited to show his sister his new "trick."

I knew a conversation was about to happen but with Orangutan you never really know which way it's going to go.

"Hey Mom! Do ALL boys have those sticky outie things?"

(oh crap!) "Yes honey they do." (Dear Lord let it end now. Please! I beg you! Let it end now!)

"But girls have innie things."

"That's right." (Ok, this could still be saved as long as she doesn't ask why. And even then I can go with the God's plan line.)

"Well, that's just too bad for boys then." Said as if the conversation was done. On that note? Now I have questions!

"Why do you say it's too bad?"

"Well, if boys aren't paying attention then they'll miss the potty and make a mess. Then the Mommys will get mad and probably spank them for being messy."

"Is that what you would do if you were a mommy for a boy?"

"Oh Mom! I'm only having little girls. Boys are just a mess."

If only you knew O. If only you knew! And on top of that she still has no interest in boys which delights my little soul that much more. I thought we were having issues because there is a little boy in her class who adores the very air she breathes.

I did however forget to remind her that that was a Mommy-Orangutan conversation before she left for school today so I could be in for an interesting e-mail from Mrs. F if things go poorly.

Try not to think too much about this the next time you shower. Are you an innie or an outie?

Proof that We're Doing Okay!

Sometimes even moms need a little encouragement to know that they are doing okay. We don't get regular performance evaluations like other careers, you know! Unless you count the dinnertime feedback we get about green veggies.

This morning Lion was getting ready for the hunt and I was tidying up the Den. Through the sliding glass door I watched Rhino slip into the screen porch and scoop up a riding toy. When he did, he bumped a loose panel on the side of the hot tub base and it fell over. Poor little guy froze in his tracks.

He peeked out onto the porch, and then looked back at the panel on the floor. Back out on the porch and back at the panel. Then he slipped back out the door and very carefully and quietly closed the door. I, of course, was laughing hysterically at the whole thing because he had no idea I had seen him. And it goes without saying that I recounted the whole incident for Lion.

"Did you say anything to him yet?"
No. Are you going to get him or am I?
"I'll get him!"

And just as Lion was about to pull the big "Gotcha!" (because he's the one who didn't put the panel on right in the first place) Rhino came around the corner. He looked like he was about to cry but was trying to be brave.

"Ummm, Mom? I have to tell you something. I think I might have broken something."
Where buddy? (This is me laughing in my poor son's face!)
"Out there." I really thought he was going to cry!

Lion and I scooped him up and reassured him that he hadn't broken it at all.

But it just goes to show you. You have no idea if the lessons are getting all the way through those little heads and suddenly they bring it back to you.

Of course in about 10 more years he's going to start lying through his teeth . But until then I'll just revel in the fact that I did ok so far!

Tuesday Tribute: Heaven Bless the Bean People!

What? You expected some normal touching Tribute? Well then, you definitely have missed my last few tributes. Here's to the Bean People!

#5. Ageless, Always Home for Christmas, Big Brother Dude.

(This isn't him! But he DOES look familiar to me for some reason...)

You know him! The stud who always manages to come home for Christmas in the Folgers commercials. Now I don't drink Folgers coffee so his placement on this list is very special. He gets to be one of my Bean People because he never ages! This guy has been coming home for Christmas since the 80's and he has yet to go flabby, gray or bring home a woman. He's awesome and any woman out there who denies that she gets a little secret smile every year when he shows his devilishly handsome face is a big fat liar!

#4. The Ultimate Mountain Man and his Trusty Steed.

You know who I'm talking about - Juan Valdez! Who can't love an authentic Brazilian with a handsome burro? And the burro was always cooperative. Did you ever notice that? He never brayed or balked or just turned stubborn. You have to give this duo their kudos. I think they are the only Bean People I've ever seen do a cameo on the big screen. Know the movie? Bruce Almighty! Watch it again. They're there.

#3.Freaky Mer Woman with the Crazy Arms - or is that her tail?

Now this one makes the list because of the coffee - not because of the chick. She freaks me out. Are those her arms? And is she trying to tell me to think something special? Is she putting her caffiene juju on me? Nice hair by the way. Strategically placed wouldn't you say? But we have to give her some credit. Nothing starts your day off like a double shot venti caramel machiatto with extra cream and sprinkles. Or I could just shoot adrenaline straight into my heart.

#2. The Criers on the Roof!

I love these guys! It's the Dunkin commercial where the lady takes a sip of coffee and she's suddenly touting Dunkin's praises from her rooftop. There are two people in particular who get me every time though. The first is the lady who is too afraid to stand up so she ends up straddling her roof and hanging on for dear life. Watch for her next time. She makes me smile. But then you have the lady who makes me laugh. She stands up there in her bathrobe I think and screams "THIS IS MY SIXTH CUP!" No, really? No wonder you're on your roof! I'd be on the moon! Bless her heart.

And my #1 Bean Person is none other than Fred himself.

I am the worlds biggest Dunkin fan. From the blueberry cake doughnuts (Sorry Fer) to the Bavarian cream filled to the simple glazed. And don't get me started on the Munchkins - those puppies pop a little too easy. But the doughnuts aren't all that make them the #1 Bean Person. Now that I can get their coffee in just about every grocery store and buyer's club, I am in heaven. Have you had their coffee? It's a delightfully smooth and mild coffee that brews perfectly every time. Every morning this loving nectar flows into my coffee cup with just the right touch of cream and sugar and nurses me through my morning routine. It's all I can manage not to brew a second pot after Lion heads to the hunt.

Here's to the Bean People and all of us who support them like our life depends on it. Next week a tribute to the pharmaceautical companies who provide pain relief when we don't get enough of our Bean People.

Now if you were looking for the REAL Tributes head over to Jay and Deb's and find out who is truly worthy. Thanks again guys for letting me spout off and ruin the mood.

Tuesday Tribute: Mother's Little Helper

Jay and Deb are going to kick me out of Tribute if I keep picking such abstract and really quite bizzarre tributes. But I can't pass this up.

It's spring break week here and like all mothers I am losing my sanity bit by screechy little bit. I love my children. I do. They make me rely on "helpers" sometimes though and in an effort to be "real" I am opening the blinds into my helper life. I'll post these according to insanity levels.

Minor insanity is controlled by One Eyed Monster and his pal Don Vito Douglas Player. They kick into action when certain maintenance activities need to be completed to keep the house from caving in on itself. Quietly they entertain the masses by broadcasting favorite cartoons movies and other diversions. Admit it - they're your little helper too.

Growing insanity calls for Player Do. And while I fully understand that PD can contribute to the insanity by being crumbled into microscropic bits and ground into the used to be beige carpet or tracked onto the newly mopped floor, he still manages to occupy and distract long enough for basic hygiene maintenance.

Escalating insanity can usually be staved off by Transport and an off location recreation zone. Sometimes however the rec zone can be insanity in and of itself which is a risk a truly escalating situation requires (as well as a smack down on a four year old or two).

Out of Control insanity. This is one ugly fellow and I have found that he only speaks two languages. White Flag and Tom Collins. When the hair pulling has turned into kicking, scratching, screeching, naked toy throwing, tantrum having, pants pooping, tears flowing and the children can't handle me any more, they throw up their white flags and mix me a Collins.

What can I say? Spring Break brings out the best in all of us!

Now for those of you who were looking for a real Tribute, please head over to Jay's Place and snag a few links of heart warming treasures. There are people out there who really are sane and delightful. You should hang out with them.

Tuesday Tribute: Here's to You "Normal."

If you've been reading the Zoo for a while you know that I seldom play very many memes here. Most of that finds it's way over to The Bowl. But today there was one that I couldn't resist. Jay at Halftime Lessons and Deb at Dirty Socks and Pizza are the host of Tuesday Tribute. It's a weekly opportunity to bow to someone or something other than our ginormous egos.

This is my first time playing along but I have read quite a few of the tributes in the past. Let's see if I can do the meme justice. My Tribute to "Normal."

Welcome to My Norm!

There's a dino in the dining room
And a pick up in the tub.
There's a martian on the ceiling fan
And an ape under the rug.

A watermelon's sprouted

Underneath the bathroom sink.
And something quite unknown
Is making such a stink.

I saw a walrus hiding

In the pillows on mom's bed.

She hasn't found my toad yet

Or I'd probably be dead.

My little sister just ate dirt.

The big one flushed the phone.

I think I should try hiding

Until my Dad gets home.

I think my mom is losing it.

She's about to blow her stack.

'Cause she may have just discovered

She's standing in dog yack.

I'm pretty sure at other homes

This scene might make you squirm.

But around these parts my mom would say...

Welcome to my Norm.

Wordless Wednesday - Sentimental Journey

Four years ago you entered the world early and with such a ruckus. I should have known then that you were a very special child.

As we watched your personality develop we began to realize just how special you were.

You weren't just the only boy in a house full of girls. You were the one who would be the orneriest, stubbornest, and funniest.

Between your crazy faces and your crazy sayings, we have never stopped laughing at you. Even when we feel like you are tap dancing on our last nerve by refusing to potty train.

Four years has gone by so incredibly fast.

Just this once it's ok if you don't listen when I tell you to "grow up."
Happy Birthday, Rhino.

Your Zookeeper loves you very much.

(But could you please stay out of your nose!)

You Might Not Want to Call 911.

We got love you packages from our favorite Z.I.T. today and the fun has been boundless. Well, it was fun once I convinced Orangutan and Marmoset that they could wait until after bath to put on their new pajamas. That part wasn't so fun.

Now the empty boxes have been converted into cars and more specifically police cars complete with steering wheels and walkie talkies.

Orangutan took hers off for a minute so she could decorate it and the Security Dog tried to bite it. She used her best gruff officer voice and told him, "Do NOT eat the police car! If you eat a police car you will get a ticket and get thrown in jail and you will have to eat mashed potatoes for the rest of your life for breakfast and lunch and dinner and even for your snacks."

I asked her if that is what people in jail have to eat. "Well something like that anyway!"

Officer Rhino has been busy chasing down bad guys in his unmarked car (he didn't want to decorate his) and has so far found three stores that were being "battacked (that's not a typo) by ugly bad guys." Because apparently all bad guys are ugly.

Officer O drew a "12" on the back of her car. I asked her if it was her car number and she said, "Yes. And I'm car #12 because I have arrested 12 bad guys so far. " The Grand Keeper was on the phone at the time and asked what they had done to be arrested.

"Some were robbing purses, and some were sticking up people, and some were robbing the bank. Well, a lot were robbing the bank but I got them all!"

Look at me. Raising such upstanding citizens. Who apparently would rather live in Idaho.

Another Economic Cutback.

I'm sure it comes as no surprise when I tell you that The Zoo has been impacted by the recent upheaval in the economy. So we've been doing what all of America has been doing - looking for ways to cut back in our spending. We'll today we went for the gold.

The Zookeeper took a few hours this afternoon to decompress and ended up buying a set of hair clippers complete with scissors, guards, combs and an instruction booklet. That's right Zoobies! The Rhino was in need of a haircut and while the $18 dollars I spent on the clippers would have covered the haircut at Snip-it's I was approaching this like an investment. If I was investing in entertainment, aggravation, and disaster, my return has been the best ever.

Let's talk entertainment. L.M. Lion was fancying himself a barber today so he put Rhino on one of the bistro chairs and got down to business. Surprisingly the back of the neck and the beginning stages went fairly well. But then it was time to head for the ears.

"Bud! You can't put your hands there!"
"Buddy! I have to be able to see your ears if I'm not going to cut them off."
"No! I didn't mean I was going to cut your ears off. I just don't want to cut you."
"I did NOT cut you!"
"Be still; I'm almost done."

"Well, crap. I messed that up, didn't I?"

It's not the Rhino's best haircut ever but he's a cute kid so he can carry it off. Let's just say that I think I might take a swing at the next haircut - it should be due right AFTER Easter.

Then (in mid-cleanup)..."If we can skip taking Rhino to the salon, do you think we could do the dog too?!" There was a little too much enthusiasm in that question and the next thing I knew the dog was in the hot seat. At least it was a much quieter encounter, but it WAS a two man job.

That's not snow on my sweatshirt and sweatpants.

The economics work out pretty well if we can master the technique. Clippers? $18. Haircut at salon for Rhino? $18 + tip. Grooming for Security Dog? $40 + tip.

Providing the Zookeeper with this much blog fodder? Priceless!

Wordless Wednesday: A Day at the Park

Waiting for a breeze.


Coming down!

Hi Mom!

In search of more Wordless Wednesdays? Head over to MomDot and peruse some folks with more camera talent than me.

And don't forget about Show me the Funny tomorrow at The Bowl!

The Wear Them Out Plan Backfired

Again.

Why do I keep doing this? I tackle projects and involve my children in hopes of absolutely wearing them out to the point that their little bodies collapse in small sweaty heaps for hours at a time without so much as a thud when they go down. And it never seems to work.

Know who goes down with a HUGE thud? Me. The Mom. The one who is supposed to be able to get vast amounts of things done while they are knocked out.

Hit the old backyard today to clean up leaves left over from last fall and start the spring cleanup. Rhino and Marmoset were supposed to be outside playing in the fresh air and getting all worn out. They sat in lawn chairs and discussed what a "lovely day" (and no I am not lying - I wish I could make this stuff up!) it was outside and how "darling" the birds were. Backfire #1.

Then we ate lunch and cleaned the Rhino exhibit while Marmoset napped and before we knew it it was time to snag Orangutan from school. Ah hah! My second chance! We'll pop by the park on our way home and since it's not that breezy some running to get the kites off the ground should be just what I need to finish them off. And some sliding and swinging and just general running in circles.

They aren't even showing signs of surrender. I, on the other hand, have stiff back and shoulders, a throbbing, popping knee, blisters on my hands and can barely keep my eyes open. Did I mention that I smell like the garbage truck that backed over me last week?

This is me waving my white flag. Except from the smell of the child who just passed me I might do better to cover my nose and mouth with it. Ahhh, the joys of motherhood.

The Rookies vs. The Veterans

Parenting like every competitive sport has it's rookies and veterans. What? Parenting isn't a competitive sport? You must be a rookie!


A friend from college recently had his first child and I've been following the adventure on Facebook. It's very hard not to chuckle at every status update but because I like him and he's a good friend I have not mocked him in his new fatherhood. Yet.


"Babies smell so good!"
Wait until you start solids dude! Nothing yummy about that.


"I don't want to go back to work."
I give that 2 years if you don't immediately have another; 18 months if you do.


It's fun to watch new parents. Every coo gets a picture. Every bag of diaper trash becomes a baby book entry. First trips anywhere are documented with glee and delight. And before anyone jumps on me about it, I did it. I made a fool of myself just like every other new parent and therefore I am making fun of myself too! Get over it.


Then your second child comes along and you still take fun pictures because now it's the first time X and Y did Z together. But the glow is a little fainter because now you are trying to get two children to keep their shoes on while buckling four arms into carseats and packing two sippy cups and snacks and heaven only knows what else.


You can spot the mom of 3 or more from a mile away. She looks completely at peace. She smiles at everything and she maintains a calm and easy exterior. You know why?



She has surrendered to the enemy. Waved her white flag. Tossed in her towel. Bowed out. Given up and given in. She knows that if everyone makes it through the day with nothing more major than a scrape and 4 bandaids she has won. She never worries about people coming over and seeing a mess because people don't come over. They're too scared of the duct tape. She doesn't bother with her appearance because she knows that somewhere on her personage there is poo, spit, snot, vomit or jelly and if there isn't there will be soon.


The rookie is constantly seeking the approval of others and taking too much advice from too many well meaning people who may or may not have children of their own.


The veteran has perfected smile and nod. She will smile and nod and pretend to listen to you and take it all in when in her head she is really saying, "Your turn is coming. They will break you too."


And before the debate starts about parenting being a competetive sport let me say this. Your way is the best way. It always is. Moms who nurse are superior to moms who don't and vice versa. Moms with slings are cooler than moms with strollers and vice versa. Moms who don't vaccinate are infinitely wiser than moms who vaccinate and vice versa. See! Told you it was a competitive sport. Rookies get caught up in those debates and get tweaked about them. Veterans look at their children and say, "Nobody's dead yet, so I'm ok."


I really should run. There should be a Facebook update for me to laugh at soon. Bless their little family Lord! And Congrats again Joe!