Thursday, August 21, 2008

Mom Tip #41

NEVER deep clean on low mom esteem or during PMS.

*This Tip is rated WS (Weak Stomach). Not appropriate for readers with sensitive gag reflexes.*

You know what I’m talking about, right? There are just days when you question your fitness as a mother and you actually think about calling Child Protective Services and reporting yourself!! And don’t let that day fall during PMS because then you actually pick up the phone and start to dial!

Never deep clean when you are in this “happy” place. It’s just bad for business all around.

I was feeling pretty good about things this morning. I got up and got moving early so the basic maintenance housework was done quickly. That’s when I decided today was the day to REALLY clean the kids’ room. This entails completely clearing the closet and starting from scratch; getting the broom and pulling everything out from under the beds; and eliminating everything from the top of the dresser.

As I dug in the closet a strange sweet smell kept wafting by my nose. I went through every toy until I came to the laundry basket. This is never a good place to sniff closely but I was left with no choice. Oh yeah! There it is! But the basket is empty?! So I took out the liner. The remains of what I think was a banana. I take the liner out every other week on Sheets Thursday and last week was the week so this thing has pretty much been in there since last Friday. Urk.

Then it was time for the broom under the bed. Clank, Thunk, Thud. And Squish?! That’s not supposed to happen. Seventeen books, 2 shoes (not the same pair), four sippy cups with questionable contents, and an apple impaled on the end of the broom?! Do you know how hard it SHOULD be to impale an apple with a broomstick? Urk!

I turned toward the dresser with dread but I had come this far so there was no turning back. Dress up clothes to go back to the playroom, the 8 outlet covers that have been missing for 3 months, the Lawgiver 3000 (they think they’re sneaky!), and a snack bag of moldy Cheeze-its. People, Cheeze-its will be the food of the cockroaches after the nuclear holocaust. They don’t go stale; they don’t ever run out: and they certainly don’t mold! Unless of course they are put in the ultimate Petri dish known as my children’s room. Double Urk!

You would think that that would have been enough for me wouldn’t you?! Oh no! I’m a glutton! I went for the laundry closet after that. This is where I found 238 hair bows (that have been replaced 5 times), 7 socks (whose mates have probably gone to the happy dryer in the sky months ago!), and a pair of underpants that over shot the top of the washer and would probably test even the most highly trained carbon dater’s skills!

If I had been doubting my skills as a mom and housekeeper this would have done me in. I would be sitting in that nice clean closet hugging my knees, rocking and petting my own hair. But it’s a good day. Maybe I’ll adjust the straps on my gas mask and go for the bathroom closet next! That should be fun!


Anonymous said...

now THAT is funny! the mental picture of your rocking in the closet, I actually spit out my tea.

Jennifer said...

I would have probably lost it at the banana =) I found a missing bottle today in the couch and was tempted to throw it away. And I find string cheese in the oddest places... I'm kinda scared to think what I might find when we move. Eek.