Saturday, August 29, 2009

If the Reincarnation Thing Works Out...

My children are in for a world of trouble.

Now I don't believe in reincarnation. I think you get one shot at life and you had better make the most of it and make the biggest impact while you are here because you aren't coming back around. But let's just pretend for a minute that I DO get to come back around.

Orangutan should probably hope that I come back as a fish. Then I will be limited to water and won't be able to invade her personal space every minute of every day. When I come back as her child (because I would totally do that to her) I will beg for food constantly from about .26 nanometers away. I will hang on every body part every chance I get. I will repeat myself 12 times for every request and I will only have one volume setting - EXTREMELY LOUD!!

Rhino is in for an even better life when I come back as his child. He's praying I come back as something inanimate like a rock. When I get back to him I am going to throw myself on the floor and scream constantly. I will only speak in whine and I will dissolve into a puddle of misery if the dog even looks at me funny. I will also be prone to random fits of aggravation like pinching, kicking, swatting, hair pulling, and name calling, all of which will be conducted on the run. Sprint by annoyance, if you will.

But I'm saving my best for Marmie I think. She hopes I come back as royalty because then I will have to mind my manners and use perpetual decorum. No way, baby girl! I will burp at all the inoportune times. I will randomly run squealing through the grocery store. I will just stop and spin in circles in the middle of every parking lot. I will have limitless curiosity. Oh, and I definitely plan to be devoid of all notions of cleanliness. I will not put away any toys; I will color on everything (including any pets and myself) except the coloring books and construction paper. And I will be insane!

Wait. Now that I think about it, I might not have to come back after all. I can just keep plotting until I'm about 82 and then move in with them for 4 months at a time! I'll rotate homes and work my magic!

Forget the Mother's Curse! I'm going for the Mother's Revenge!!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I Blame the Fever!

I actually had a brief moment today when I almost called Lion and said, "If our house was one room bigger I would consider having another baby."

I told you I had The Crud!!

I was driving with Marmie and her pal who hangs out with us every month, to snag the big exhibits from O/R.A.T. and something about driving past the golf course made me think that I wasn't insane enough. It was a good morning and the girls had taken a two hour nap so maybe it was a set up.

Then we got the touring exhibits in the livestock trailer and my fever broke. Orangutan was talking a mile a minute. Rhino was pouting about something. Marmie was scolding Spare and Spare was reminding me for the 9,427,836th time that her handler was coming to get her and was bringing chocolate milk when he did. It was chaos on a stick.

Then we got home and Orangutan had homework. The two little ones had to make potty rounds. Rhino had a temper tantrum because he wanted to play with playdough and couldn't until O finished homework and I was trying to put dinner together. Did I mention that Security decided he needed to go outside and bark at every squirrel, hickory nut, and bothersome leaf for 45 minutes?

I was in mid chop on a pepper when I started to laugh uncontrollably. For a brief little moment I actually thought a fourth child would be a nice addition. How soon we mothers forget spit up, midnight feedings, teething, blow outs, projectile peas, and baby proofing for a crawler. And that's even after the hearburn, feet in the ribs, pogo jumping on the bladder and tree trunk cankles of pregnancy.

So my fever has broken. I am still resolutely set against adding a fourth. Until the drugs wear off anyway...

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

And School is Back in Session.

Duh, ZK. You've only been talking about it for two weeks. But now I know it for sure. Want to know why?

Because Lion is huddled under half the blankets in the house shaking like a leaf and I am sitting at the computer in full congested mode while our little angels sleep the wee hours away blissfully unaware that they are killing their parents in their sleep.

Ok, so maybe that last part was a little dramatic but you get my point. My little exhibits have gone out into the wide open world and brought back - The Crud. And since I have been in the Lysol haven I call my home all summer and Lion has been in his nice and tidy office all summer, we have no immunities built up to this.

Why aren't Orangutan and Rhino sick you ask? Well, Rhino is having a minor flare up with his asthma but it's nothing some well placed steroids can't fix. Yeah, Mrs. F is loving me right now. Take a kid who isn't off to the best behavior start of the school year and juice him up on roids so that he becomes a ricocheting eating machine and you are sure to win your teacher's heart.

I definitely need to take a second mortgage for her Christmas present this year.

And Orangutan. This child has the immune system of steel. I swear you could have put her in a public restaurant in Cancun over spring break and she would have come home two weeks later perfectly healthy and ready to rock. I attribute it to the three years of day care. She was exposed to everything and her little body sucked it all up, mutated the fool out of it and added it to the immunity arsenal.

But that leaves a shiny little question mark known as Marmie. She isn't showing the first sign of sniffling, restlessness, grouchies, or even a hint of a cough. How? She has had no exposure to community living like daycare. She sleeps in the same room as O. She usually forgets whether it's her cup or Rhino's. So how has she escaped The Crud? This is a wild mystery.

I guess it just means that it's time to renew our stock options in Tylenol and Kleenex, shoot up the saline drops and start the OJ IV's. It's going to be a long fall because next month ragweed season starts and it's party on for ye olde allergies.

One more thing before I go make some scalding tea for my Saharan throat. Do you know what the one constant will be in all the snotting and coughing? Mom will go on. Because we all know, once you become a mother "You Will Never be Sick Again!"

Sing with me!

Wash, wash, wash your hands.
Wash the germs away.
Rinse them neatly down the drain
And wash your cares away!

I think you're supposed to do that three times for optimal clean. Happy cold and flu season gang!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Parenting Fatigue.

I have it. And an extreme case at that.

It's that disease that strikes most parents (unless they are bona fide saints). The days when your children's fights, whines, screams, questions, behavior, and general nonsense seem to pile up and no matter how hard you try to keep smiling and being patient and laughing and wearing a positive attitude, you just can't pull it off.

You see the clock creeping ever closer to bedtime and you giggle a little more with each passing minute. And you honestly feel bad about it.

That's me. Only I stopped giggling yesterday (right about the time Rhino barfed) and am now gleefully skipping about the house namby pamby with every passing minute. It's the spirit of honesty; it took me away for a minute.

Rhino has had a hard start to school and we are trying desperately to make it work for him. But when I say we, I mean me. It's not Lion's fault. He has a new position at work and is taking on a slew of new responsibilities and as a result is working horribly long hours. Thank you Lion! You rock! Even so, the dealings with school are on my shoulders.

And his teachers (now THERE'S a pair of saints!), Mrs. F and Mrs. A, have been trying everything they can think of and some tricks from other teachers to get him settled in and on the right path. So I have support.

But it's wearying just the same. Don't forget that I have Orangutan and Marmoset still here too. I didn't auction them off (but bidding is still open). They are into all manner of nonsense too. O has homework this year! We are practicing sight words, writing, letters of the week and doing art projects for classroom decor. Marmie is trying to potty train and is getting into all her siblings things while they are at school.

On top of that you have the security dog, who can't leave the stuffing in anything in the house; all the normal housework (which is amplified by discarded stuffing); lunch packing; therapy baking (which has been desperately needed); and the carpool line. And that's on the days when I skip a workout.

I am beat.

But then I think of my pals who do all that plus a full time job, soccer, baseball, football, band, dance, gymnastics, and/or karate, and I am in awe.

Here's a Mom Tip for you. Parenting Fatigue is normal and ok. Eventually they will grow up, move away and have children of their own.

Lay on the Mother's Curse well and often! My mom did; I blame her for my fatigue.

Call out HazMat!

The Zoo is going out for dinner!

(Fer, you should feel better about Z's dining experience in about two minutes.)

God, please bless Ms. A and the whole team at Longhorn tonight. Really! Bless them and keep them and send Ms. A some serious tips. Oh, and the people who were sitting beside us. Bless them and let them never be in a restaurant at the same time as us ever again.

Let's back up to 9 PM last evening. The Grand Keeper and Great Silverback were headed home from vacay and had a 3 hour layover here in The Big Peach so I packed up the livestock trailer and took the exhibits on tour to the airplane port (per Rhino) to visit for an hour or two. After a delightful dinner of Wendy's kids meals and a follow up frosty and lightening of Silverback's change pocket, we put them back on their plane and headed back to the Zoo. (BTW, yes, that dinosaur is actually in our airport.)

We were about halfway home when Orangutan said, "Momma! My tummy hurts really bad!" The livestock trailer broke the sound barrier and a few suggested speed limits and we got home just in time for her to make it to the bathroom and lose her dinner. (You're welcome!) I got everyone into jammies and into bed - for a few hours.

3 AM - Lion up and wide awake for no apparent reason.
5 AM - O up and repeating her 9 o'clock exercise.
6 AM - Rhino up and coughing so hard he couldn't catch his breath.
7:30 AM - Marmoset up and craving some serious breakfast. "But I hungy NOW Momma!"
10 AM - L.M. Lion sets out for a golf outing with some friends. Note - he is supposed to be home "around 3." Apparently that was 3 in "man time."

All day was checking fevers and listening to Rhino bark. O finally broke around noon and was good to go. Rhino is still barking. L.M. Lion finally got home at 5:30. I snagged Marmie and Rhino and sprinted to the grocery store. I think I set a record for getting through the grocery store with children in tow.

Now we were off to meet Lion and Orangutan for dinner at Longhorn. We sat down and ordered and had some witty banter with Ms. A our waitress. It looked like the day was going to be saved. Ms. A brought our seafood au gratin appetizer and everyone was munching away on some chips when I hear "The Bark."

Some of you may know The Bark. It's that cough that tells every mother on the planet that we are no longer just coughing. I couldn't get out of my seat fast enough. Suddenly Mount Rhino erupted right into Lion's hands. And not just once but several times. I tried to shield the table of people who were in our section. Lion even looked at one of the people at the table and said, "Please don't look!"

The manager, two waitresses and a bus boy were launching rib towels, hot napkins, not so hot napkins, paper napkins and sanitizing cloths at us like we were on Omaha Beach. And the carnage deserved it. It was hideous. And I was mortified. Of course right in the middle of all the chaos, Orangutan and Marmie (who we are trying to potty train right now) pipe up with "We need to go potty!"

I get back from the bathroom with the girls just in time for our food to show up - not that I was in any mood to eat. And so we calmly (as if nothing had happened) ate our dinner. Even Ms. A acted like nothing had happened. It was surreal!

Lion decided that he wanted to have an after dinner coffee. Marmie was getting restless so she hopped up in my lap and was cuddling with me while he had his coffee. Suddenly she started to freak out on me. "Oh No Momma! I go pee!" It's ok baby. You have a pull up on. Except this time it leaked. On who?

I burst into hysterical laughter. The people behind us took two looks at my dripping leg and started to giggle. Ms. A came to the table to hand Lion the check and she offered to go get me an apron from the kitchen. Lion just waved her off and said something to the effect of "If it isn't on her now, it will be before we get home."

Something tells me that future meals from Longhorn's will be carry out. If they don't ban us from the restaurant, they will certainly offer us a discount to eat somewhere - anywhere! - else. That said I really must commend the staff. They had every reason to bring our food and run for the hills. But they didn't. The went out of their way to salvage our dining experience and the experience of the other folks on our section.

So thank you Mr. B, Ms. A and all the crew at Longhorn's. Next time we'll bring drop cloths, raincoats, and a fire hose to clean up after ourselves.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Talk me Down People!

I mean it! Send the intervention team because I am teetering here!

Yesterday the Rhino had a less than stellar day at R.A.T. And when I say "less than stellar" I'm really saying he lost his ever lovin' mind. We won't get into the nitty gritty details but the bottom line is that military school is looking like a real possibility. When I referred to his punishment as "solitary confinement" yesterday I was being kind.

Once I calmed down (close to midnight last night) I worked with his teacher to devise a behavior chart and reward system which we launched today. This week there are cool underpants and ice cream hanging in the balance. Don't think about that too much; it's gross. But now I have to devise some rewards for going forward.

Lion put some time at the driving range on the block since Rhino seems to have an affinity for golf. And we always have good ole Monkey Joe's and Chucky Cheeze that we can put up for bids (although I would rather have bamboo shoved under my fingernails). But even that is only 4 weeks' worth of rewards.

I was commiserating with a friend this morning about the whole deal. In the process of conversation we started talking about our attempts to get some speech therapy for the little guy. Yeah, he's a mess; but he's ours. My pal suggested that maybe if we can get the speech going he'll feel like he's in control of something else and his behavior will start to settle down.

My brain said "hmmm, give him something else to control." And this is where the intervention comes in because the next thing that went through my brain was, "What if I get him a small pet that is his responsibility? His thing to control!"

In an ideal situation, the security dog doesn't eat the new small pet. In an ideal situation Rhino feels a responsibility for his new pal and he feeds it and helps clean the cage and takes care of it. In an ideal situation the girls don't get jealous and demand their own "responsibilities" which (knowing my luck) could lead to more "little responsibilities."

This Zoo is not conducive to "ideal situations."

This is a bad idea, right? I really shouldn't do this. I should just stick to ice cream and M&M's and Happy Meals. Talk me down friends because in my desperation not to be known at the mother of the school lunatic, the idea of a George and Gladys is appealing to me right now.

I should probably go eat. It has to be the low blood sugar talking.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Free to a Good Home

One boy.

Gently used.

Very good with younger children and animals.
Enjoys trains, trucks, and dirt.

Merely needs room to run, perpetual feeding and an owner with no sense of smell as his idea of good hygiene is limited to wiping his hands in his hair.

Will consider a trade for a large lazy dog.

This, my dear Rhino, is the ad that will run in Sunday's paper if you put me through another day like today.


Saturday, August 15, 2009

And then My Sister Called - Again.

My grown up life was, in a word, heinous yesterday. But just when the grown up world is miserable, my little exhibits pull out all the stops to make me laugh at how absolutely absurd life can be.

As usual, I got the two big exhibits out on Academic Tour (thank you Lion for taking morning carpool), checked my e-mail and then asked Marmie what she thought we should do with our day. "Let's make Nana Bread, Mama!" A quick glance toward the fruit fly cloud emanating from the top of the fridge and I knew she had a brilliant idea.

Side note: With the two big exhibits out of the house, we have been boot camping the potty training. This translates to minimal clothes because let's face it they just get in the way. Please note that I said, "minimal clothes;" not "clothing optional." This will become important later.

Back to the banana bread. I dudded her out with a child's apron (over her underpants - minimal clothing people) and set her up on one of the bistro chairs so she could reach the counter. All was clicking right along in our cooking adventure; she was peeling bananas, dumping sugar, and waiting patiently for the eggs.

Perhaps it was a moment of insanity. Maybe I hadn't gotten that first cup of coffee all the way down. But something made me think that maybe she could handle cracking the egg. And she did. Right onto the newly mopped floor.

Moving on.

The livestock trailer has been looking a little rough lately so I thought since I had time and distractions would be minimal I would clean it out and shampoo the carpets. Marmie was watching some cartoons and playing in the playroom so it was all going smoothly. I checked on her every few minutes and was clicking right along. Suddenly there was a banging on the door. I opened the door to see her poochie little lip. "I sawy Mama." She was trying to get upstairs to go potty and didn't make it. I assured her that all was well and sent her upstairs for a new pair of unders. Cleaned up the mess and went back to work on the van.

Banging on the door. "I sawy Mama." No puddle. No scribbling on the wall. But still no unders either. What happened kiddo? "I poop in your kitchen." Right beside where she had cracked the egg. Day two of mopping the floor.

Moving on.

We safely made it out the door to the carpoool line. Everyone made it home in one piece and then Orangutan decided that we "needed to talk." Grand Keeper had gotten her some new sneaks for school and she finally got to wear them yesterday. Apparently during PE she had to take them off for one reason or another. Well when it was time to put them back on apparently I had knotted them all wrong for her and her teacher and she missed recess time because I messed up. "Thanks for tying them Mom. But on Monday could you be a little more careful? I need to be able to keep up." I stand corrected, O. Please forgive me for inconveniencing your Kindergarten life so terribly.

And then my sister called. Now if you missed the first call from my sister you really should take some time to go back and review it. It's a gem. But it seems that my darling sibling brings out the nutty in my exhibits. I don't think we were two minutes into the conversation when the following happened.

Me: So any news other than...WHY ARE YOU NAKED?!?!?!
Marmie: Tee Hee Hee Hee
B: hysterical laughter
Me: No seriously! Where are your clothes?
Marmie: Tee Hee Hee
B: breathless hysterical laughter
Me: (sigh) Please go find your underpants and pajamas. AND PUT THEM ON!
Marmie: exit stage right - supposedly to go find her clothing
B: (catching her breath) That was awesome! I could actually hear her "Tee Hee Hee!"
Me: I should quit writing this stuff on the blog and start a comedy tour. As Heard at the Zoo or some other catchy title.
B: Tee Hee Hee (dissolves in hysterical laughter again)
Me: Oh stuff it! You're not funny. AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! You're still naked!!
Marmie: Tee Hee Hee
B: I think you should call the tour "Clothing Optional."
Me: Like I don't see enough butts every day of my life! I gotta go.
B: Tee Hee Hee (and guessed it hysterical laughter.)


Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Lessons Learned at R.A.T.

(Reminder that's Rhino Academic Training.)
Lesson #1. Tighty Whities aren't cool.
If you want to keep the neato baseball and basketball underpants you wore to school on your body, you HAVE to take full advantage of every bathroom opportunity afforded you by your oh, so gracious teacher.

Lesson #2. It's the one with the boy on the door.
If you don't want to be known as the nutball kid in school, you have to use the right bathroom at the afforded bathroom times. It went something like this:

ZK (that's me): So what else did you do today?
R: Wellllll, I used the bathroom at lunch!
ZK: All by yourself?! Good job pal!
R: Yeah, but it was the girls' bathroom by accident.
ZK: Oh NOOOO! What happened?
R: Ummmmm....
ZK: Rhino, were there girls in the bathroom at the time?
R: Yeah. Too many
ZK: Did you leave and go to the boy bathroom?
R: No! I had to go REALLY bad so I just closed the door and went.
ZK: Let's go over this one more time buddy. Mommy can't go in the boys' bathroom so you have to come in the girls bathroom ONLY when you are with me. At school, you have to use the boy bathroom.
R: You shoulda aminded me about that this morning!

Lesson #3. If all else fails, blame Mom!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day!!

What? You didn't get a card? So sorry. I didn't get one either but I'll tell you what I DID get. Two children off to school!

Woo Hoo!!

Don't get me wrong. I got a little twinge when my boy went to class and hung up his backpack like a big kid. And I was incredibly proud when my girl found her name tag and sat at her table sweetly.

But let me tell you about walking into my house and hearing......

It brought a tear to my eye. Nothing. Yes, Marmie is still home with me but she was revelling too. She stretched out as big as she could get on the couch while she watched whatever cartoons SHE wanted to watch. Then she just walked in a big circle all around the livingroom. When Lion asked her why, she said it was "because I can." She got to have both beaters and the spoon and the bowl when the cookies were baking. She got to pick a movie and watch it from start to finish. She choose her own lunch. And she got to decide when she wanted to go for a nap.

I am cleaning the house and it's staying clean. I get to work out without anyone hanging off my leg in Warrior 3. I can eat an entire lunch without anyone calling me to break up a fight.

And now you understand why THIS is my Mother's Day! I'm so gleeful I rewrote "Leavin' on a Jet Plane." I won't subject you to my singing but I think you know the tune enough to sing it for yourself and truly appreciate it.

So here's to you my Back to School mom-pals. Enjoy your day!!

"They're Leavin on the School Bus."
All their bags are packed.
They're ready to go.
I will not throw them out the door.
Can't wait to wake them up to say "Good-Bye!"

Now the clothes are pressed.
The shoes are shined.
The alarms are set.
And ready to chime.
Already I'm so giddy I could fly!

So kiss me and smile for me.
Quick say "Cheese!" before I flee.
God bless ya, teach but I really gotta go.

They're leavin' on the school bus.
The quiet's setting in.
Finally the warring's at an end.
The summer has been real fun.
Sorry kids but now it's done.
It's back to school - the truest Mother's Day!

The truest Mother's Day!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Dear Fellow Homeowners,

When you are preparing your home for the market (because you probably won't die in the house you're in) you will probably do some painting. Take a moment as you complete each room and label the leftover paint according to the room it belongs to. Please also note the color and store where the paint was purchased and leave it behind. The future homeowners will kiss the ground you walk on.

"Why" you ask? Because when their 4 year old takes a black wide tip Sharpie and creates a mural of blood curdling proportions on two walls they will be able to locate the necessary paint to repair the damage quickly and easily. This will not only spare your homeowner the pain of snatching themselves bald, but may also save the life of the 4 year old in question.

This has been your public service announcement for today. Thank you and happy home ownership!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

And the Crown Goes to...

Princess Badditude!

I thought I had at least 7 more years. I thought I could make it until she was at least 12. I don't think I could have been more incorrect.

In the last week, Orangutan has taken on the nastiest attitude ever. A friend of mine warned me that it's a five year old thing but I'm wondering. Ugly!

Please make your bed.

"But you know I can't make it by myself." And then she'll wait until I turn to do something else and slip out of her room altogether leaving the bed unmade. When I call her out on it, I get argument, excuses, eye rolls, stomping feet and heaving sighs. OVER HER BED!!

Please clean up the playroom.

"I didn't play with any of this stuff. I'm not cleaning it." This is the part of the story where I find the attitude adjuster and apply it liberally to sensitive areas.

Dinner's ready!
"Mom, you know I don't do peas." Well you do if you don't have teeth, sister. They mush!

What IS this?! The last two weeks have been perpetual arguments, wails, crying, tears, gnashing of teeth, and hair pulling. And that's just me trying to get her to do anything that isn't her idea.

I hate that I have become that mother that is counting down the days til school starts but that's me. All me. And I say it's because she's bored with me and if she can go to school she'll be able to interact again and she'll have a better attitude in general.

We all know it's because I won't have to hear it all day, every day. I'll be limited to a few hours every evening. I'm not terribly worried about her pulling this at school. She knows better. Be ugly to Mom and that's one thing. Sass anyone outside of the family and I will light you up little girl!

My hope is that the rumor I heard about 7-10 being good years is true. I think I can refrain from sending her to the convent for a couple more years.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Mother Mortification 101

Brought to you by the experts at Zoo Suburbia.

Where do I even start? We had orientation for school today. Did I mention that they go back to school in 4 days? (Insert giggles of glee here. But more on that later.) Orientation meant taking two bags of supplies and three children through a maze of PTA booths, car rider assignments, and two different classrooms while filling out form upon form and trying very hard not to lose anyone. Is it any wonder I popped some preemtive Excedrine on my way out the door?

We got to school just fine and parked in BFE of course because even though it was only for kindergarten and pre-k, there were still cars out the wazoo parked on every available parking surface and some grassy surfaces. This meant that the exhibits had to try to hang on to one another while I lugged the two supply bags across a crowded parking lot dodging cars still pulling in and not losing any shoes (don't ask - the girls have issues).

I made a judgement call as soon as we got in the building. Everyone was streaming to the right to go do the PTA/cafeteria thing in the cafeteria. Ahh, but I know where Rhino's class is because he's in the same class O was in last year. So we stopped there first. Dropped off our supplies, did our paperwork thing, signed up for all the volunteer stuff, wrote the e-mail down about 17 times and gave Mrs. F our hugs. We'll be back when we get the car rider number. And off we went.

Then it was time to face the cafeteria which I just knew was going to be the first place I lost a child. Paid up my PTA dues (which I have never attended mind you!), passed by the cafeteria ladies becasue we pack our lunches and then hit the classroom assignments for Orangutan. Really?! Of four teachers with names like Smith and Brown and Jones, O ends up in the class with the teacher whose name has 11 letters and which I cannot (even know having shaken her delightful little hand) pronounce. She's Mrs. M to me. I'll try but I make no promises.

So it's off to Mrs. M's class. We pass our supplies off to Mrs. K (the assistant teacher) and start making the paperwork rounds - again! More volunteering (Lion this time - he's going to love me!), more e-mail, more, more, more. Meet Mrs. M and then we are off!

One more stop on our way out the door to get this year's spirit wear (school T-shirts). I have, in all this forming and moving and shuffling, yet to lose a child. I stopped at the spirit wear table and lost all three in 15 seconds. I kid you not! Oh good! There's O. Where's your brother? Perfect he's right there. So where is Marmie? No Marmie. Don't panic. It's a crowded school. No one is going to let her get away. Don't panic. WHERE'S MY MARMIE!!!!

Oh look! There she is. In the arms of the new principal nursing a fat lip and smelling like a garbage truck. Fantastic. Just fantastic. She made a break for it and in the process tripped over someone and did a face plant right in front of the new principal. Her lip was split and she had thrown a stinky shoe all while making a mess in her diaper. Did I say "fantastic?" So I retrieved her from the principal and made my introduction and tried not to look like a totally inept parent. And by now I had lost the other two again. The preemtive Excedrine didn't stand a chance.

I felt like I couldn't get out of the school fast enough. I made it within 15 yards of the livestock trailer before we ran into parents we knew from last year. So I made of VERY quick small talk and by now had lost Rhino yet again.

It took all my focus, energy and determination to put the car in reverse instead of drive. The tree didn't deserve to be punished for my blossoming migraine.

Is it Monday yet?

Monday, August 3, 2009

The Marmoset has hit the Radar!

And with a giant SPLAT at that!

See she used to be "the good one." Orangutan and Rhino could be having a knock down drag out war and she would be sitting quietly with a toy or her blanket. The two big ones would trash the playroom and she would be sitting in a corner with some blocks.

That all changed this weekend.

I accidentally took a nap on Friday for the first time all summer. She took the opportunity to find a ball point pen (probably the only one that worked in our house) and pull a Picasso on the back of our taupe microfiber armchair. And we're not talking about a small smiley face. Nope. Full on mural stuff!

Saturday was mostly without incident. Or I haven't found any evidence yet.

Then yesterday she pulled out all the stops. Lion and I were watching some golf from the couch and she was downstairs playing with Oranugtan and Rhino. Lion got up for a drink and walked through the dining room. A certain Marmoset had slipped up the stairs with a teal marker and "repainted" the yellow dining room wall. At least the bottom four feet. Thankfully it was washable marker and we caught it as soon as it happened.

Surely she was done, right? We got through the rest of the evening without incident and I put everyone to bed. Marmie wasn't having it so she got up and was hanging out with Lion playing with dolls. I came to the office to return some e-mail and was about to call it a night when I heard, "What have you done?!?!?!?!" This was quickly followed with "Honey! Come up here!!"

I walked up the stairs looking for yet another mural but none was to be found. I worked my way down the hall until I came to our bedroom and then our bathroom. Marmie was standing in the doorway looking down. Lion was standing in the middle of the room looking down with his mouth hanging open.

A tube of open and now half empty apricot face wash. A tube of open hair gel only a quarter empty. The face wash was everywhere from the counter to the cabinet and scrubbed into the carpet. The hair gel was limited to the edge of the counter and some in the carpet. Apparently she had been busted before she could really get styling.

I have to say she has been apologetic after every event - not that that helps that much. I have managed to restore everything except the chair. But it is clear that Marmie is on the radar as Princess Destructo. This will thrill her fellow exhibits to no end. Maybe they will be able to get away with some stuff again if I'm distracted.

In the meantime, my bathroom is showing significantly reduced pores and full bodied carpet!