Mother Mortification 101

Brought to you by the experts at Zoo Suburbia.

Where do I even start? We had orientation for school today. Did I mention that they go back to school in 4 days? (Insert giggles of glee here. But more on that later.) Orientation meant taking two bags of supplies and three children through a maze of PTA booths, car rider assignments, and two different classrooms while filling out form upon form and trying very hard not to lose anyone. Is it any wonder I popped some preemtive Excedrine on my way out the door?

We got to school just fine and parked in BFE of course because even though it was only for kindergarten and pre-k, there were still cars out the wazoo parked on every available parking surface and some grassy surfaces. This meant that the exhibits had to try to hang on to one another while I lugged the two supply bags across a crowded parking lot dodging cars still pulling in and not losing any shoes (don't ask - the girls have issues).

I made a judgement call as soon as we got in the building. Everyone was streaming to the right to go do the PTA/cafeteria thing in the cafeteria. Ahh, but I know where Rhino's class is because he's in the same class O was in last year. So we stopped there first. Dropped off our supplies, did our paperwork thing, signed up for all the volunteer stuff, wrote the e-mail down about 17 times and gave Mrs. F our hugs. We'll be back when we get the car rider number. And off we went.

Then it was time to face the cafeteria which I just knew was going to be the first place I lost a child. Paid up my PTA dues (which I have never attended mind you!), passed by the cafeteria ladies becasue we pack our lunches and then hit the classroom assignments for Orangutan. Really?! Of four teachers with names like Smith and Brown and Jones, O ends up in the class with the teacher whose name has 11 letters and which I cannot (even know having shaken her delightful little hand) pronounce. She's Mrs. M to me. I'll try but I make no promises.

So it's off to Mrs. M's class. We pass our supplies off to Mrs. K (the assistant teacher) and start making the paperwork rounds - again! More volunteering (Lion this time - he's going to love me!), more e-mail, more, more, more. Meet Mrs. M and then we are off!

One more stop on our way out the door to get this year's spirit wear (school T-shirts). I have, in all this forming and moving and shuffling, yet to lose a child. I stopped at the spirit wear table and lost all three in 15 seconds. I kid you not! Oh good! There's O. Where's your brother? Perfect he's right there. So where is Marmie? No Marmie. Don't panic. It's a crowded school. No one is going to let her get away. Don't panic. WHERE'S MY MARMIE!!!!

Oh look! There she is. In the arms of the new principal nursing a fat lip and smelling like a garbage truck. Fantastic. Just fantastic. She made a break for it and in the process tripped over someone and did a face plant right in front of the new principal. Her lip was split and she had thrown a stinky shoe all while making a mess in her diaper. Did I say "fantastic?" So I retrieved her from the principal and made my introduction and tried not to look like a totally inept parent. And by now I had lost the other two again. The preemtive Excedrine didn't stand a chance.

I felt like I couldn't get out of the school fast enough. I made it within 15 yards of the livestock trailer before we ran into parents we knew from last year. So I made of VERY quick small talk and by now had lost Rhino yet again.

It took all my focus, energy and determination to put the car in reverse instead of drive. The tree didn't deserve to be punished for my blossoming migraine.

Is it Monday yet?