Saturday, August 29, 2009

If the Reincarnation Thing Works Out...

My children are in for a world of trouble.

Now I don't believe in reincarnation. I think you get one shot at life and you had better make the most of it and make the biggest impact while you are here because you aren't coming back around. But let's just pretend for a minute that I DO get to come back around.

Orangutan should probably hope that I come back as a fish. Then I will be limited to water and won't be able to invade her personal space every minute of every day. When I come back as her child (because I would totally do that to her) I will beg for food constantly from about .26 nanometers away. I will hang on every body part every chance I get. I will repeat myself 12 times for every request and I will only have one volume setting - EXTREMELY LOUD!!

Rhino is in for an even better life when I come back as his child. He's praying I come back as something inanimate like a rock. When I get back to him I am going to throw myself on the floor and scream constantly. I will only speak in whine and I will dissolve into a puddle of misery if the dog even looks at me funny. I will also be prone to random fits of aggravation like pinching, kicking, swatting, hair pulling, and name calling, all of which will be conducted on the run. Sprint by annoyance, if you will.

But I'm saving my best for Marmie I think. She hopes I come back as royalty because then I will have to mind my manners and use perpetual decorum. No way, baby girl! I will burp at all the inoportune times. I will randomly run squealing through the grocery store. I will just stop and spin in circles in the middle of every parking lot. I will have limitless curiosity. Oh, and I definitely plan to be devoid of all notions of cleanliness. I will not put away any toys; I will color on everything (including any pets and myself) except the coloring books and construction paper. And I will be insane!

Wait. Now that I think about it, I might not have to come back after all. I can just keep plotting until I'm about 82 and then move in with them for 4 months at a time! I'll rotate homes and work my magic!

Forget the Mother's Curse! I'm going for the Mother's Revenge!!


Jennifer said...

Oh, wow, that could be a lot of fun! Rotate out living with the kids! When I'm at Olivia's house, I'll sit in my room making racket so that they come running to make sure no one is murdering me, and then demand to be fed something I'm going to refuse to eat! Then at Izzy's house, I'm going to pee all over the place. At Zoe's house, I'm throwing my food all over the kitchen and dumping the trash can as soon as they pick it up again. =) I've never been so excited to get old!

Michelle said...

You know, my Dad is threatening to do that to me. He says he will get himself kicked out of every nursing home just so I have to let him live with me.

It strikes fear in my heart...maybe it is the best threat to give them girls! Hmmmm...retirement may not be the best part of getting old...tourching my children may be! Every single thing I touch will go in the middle of the floor and when they ask me why I will say "I forgot." Every time the ice melts in my drink I will start all over with a fresh cup while leaving the previous one in the floor! I will never politely find them to ask a question, I will scream it from the other side of the house until they come to me. I will complain that EVERY dinner they cook is yucky. AND I will develop a terrible fear of the dark and MUST sleep right next to them! Ahhhhh, this could be fun!

Amanda said...

I like your plan. My husband and I have already been plotting a revenge much the same. We tell our oldest who is 8 that we'll make sure our diapers are extra stinky when we're old for him to change, or he'd better do well in school and go to college so he can have a job where he can afford a good nurse for us - HA! OH! And embarrassing them in public. Definitely a must.

Alisha said...

hahaha ... that is perfect!