Rhino's Piece of the Curse

If Orangutan got the verbal diarrhea as her part of the curse, then Rhino got his fair helping of the stubborness and sneaky. (Although he got a scoop of the verbal and she got a scoop of the sneaky too.)

I think this boy is on a mission to either force me to send him to military school or just break me so that he can watch me sit in a corner and rock. Last night I was so exasperated with him that I actually said to my husband, "I have had it! He is yours."

So what exactly is he doing? Nothing in particular and everything in general. He will randomly walk up to one of his sisters and thump them on the head for no particular reason. Not hard enough to hurt them but just enough to aggravate them and get the whining started. He will almost immediately follow that up with messing with the TV in one form or fashion. Again, nothing malicious but enough to escalate the whining to a new octave and decible level. If he's really in a mood, he'll start messing with their stuff; snatching a blanket here, knocking over dominoes there, or (my personal favorite) just flopping down on top of someone like there is absolutely no where else in the house for him to plant his carcass.

And his ears don't work when he's in one of these moods. They simply do not work. Rhino get off of her. Off! Off I said! Are you broken?!

Son, would you please just move away? Further. Two inches is no better than 2 centimeters. Two feet would be even better. To which I usually get, "But Mom! I'm not allowed to use your tape measure!"

And if he has done something wrong, you might as well chop his ears off and pack the holes with concrete. He simply will not respond.

He's stubborn!

And emotional. I have never in my life seen a child fall to pieces over nothing like this one can. His golf clubs are in the back of Lion's car at the dealership. He fell into a melty heap on the stairs last night because Lion couldn't produce them on the spot. It didn't matter that we all made promises that the golf clubs would come home today. It didn't matter that Lion tried to bribe him with the promise of brand new big boy golf clubs. He wanted (sniff, sniff) his (gasping for air) golf clubs (sobbing and wailing) NOOOOOOOOOOWWW!

I think this is when I threw up my hands and packed my face with chicken wings. I'm pretty sure I was a bit melodramatic growing up. I know I was stubborn. It was a genetic thing; my grandfather was famous in our community for it; our father had his moments of fortitude; I had a tradition to carry on. Rhino, I'm letting you off the hook. Be as complacent as you want (within reason, I guess. I'd hate for you to end up in juvy). Be kind. Be mellow.

Because if you don't I'm about one meltdown away from "Someday...."

Either I Missed Something...

Or Rhino's teachers are little truth stretchers.

How in the world did a child who could barely sit much less pay attention in class suddenly become a star pupil?

I mean it! What happened to my child?

Two weeks ago, I was crying myself to sleep because I just knew he was going to get himself kicked out of school - and he's not even in Kindergarten yet! Lion and I were walking him in so that we could have conferences with the teacher daily. I was headed to the school at 11 AM because they would need me to pick him up for behavior issues.

We put him on a behavior chart last Monday and he did fabulous. He had two weeks to get it together so we put the chart back in this week.

I went to Curriculum Night tonight and his teachers just raved about his complete turnaround and his great willingness to participate and cooperate.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled, delighted, ecstatic and about to just pop with glee.

I'm also praying that what has been done will not one morning wake up undone just because the switch flipped back again.

I should take consolation though, right? I mean if he's getting all this lunacy out of the way now, I won't have to deal with it when he's a teenage boy sandwiched between two teenage girls, right?

Free to a Good Home

One boy.

Gently used.

Very good with younger children and animals.
Enjoys trains, trucks, and dirt.

Merely needs room to run, perpetual feeding and an owner with no sense of smell as his idea of good hygiene is limited to wiping his hands in his hair.

Will consider a trade for a large lazy dog.

This, my dear Rhino, is the ad that will run in Sunday's paper if you put me through another day like today.

The New Innies and Outies

Well, there is a very good chance that we have FINALLY gotten over the hump with Rhino's potty training. It has been a long and tearfilled journey but he has finally taken mercy on me and decided that the potty is not the black hole of death.

In celebration of this fact we are now moving on to encouraging very "boy" behaviors such as standing and aiming. For the sake of my bathroom floor, we started this project outside. Yes, I have been encouraging my son to pee on trees in the back yard. And before you all freak out and call me looney because after all suburbia isn't country, we have a very high privacy fence and lots of trees and bushes. No one is "peeping" on my son. And he is keenly aware that this is only BACK yard behavior.

Last night we moved training inside. Unfortunately the timing could have been better. Orangutan was jumping in for her shower when suddenly a completely naked (fresh out of the tub) Rhino came sprinting into the bathroom screaming, "Gotta pee! Gotta pee!" Nothing like an entrance. He was all too excited to show his sister his new "trick."

I knew a conversation was about to happen but with Orangutan you never really know which way it's going to go.

"Hey Mom! Do ALL boys have those sticky outie things?"

(oh crap!) "Yes honey they do." (Dear Lord let it end now. Please! I beg you! Let it end now!)

"But girls have innie things."

"That's right." (Ok, this could still be saved as long as she doesn't ask why. And even then I can go with the God's plan line.)

"Well, that's just too bad for boys then." Said as if the conversation was done. On that note? Now I have questions!

"Why do you say it's too bad?"

"Well, if boys aren't paying attention then they'll miss the potty and make a mess. Then the Mommys will get mad and probably spank them for being messy."

"Is that what you would do if you were a mommy for a boy?"

"Oh Mom! I'm only having little girls. Boys are just a mess."

If only you knew O. If only you knew! And on top of that she still has no interest in boys which delights my little soul that much more. I thought we were having issues because there is a little boy in her class who adores the very air she breathes.

I did however forget to remind her that that was a Mommy-Orangutan conversation before she left for school today so I could be in for an interesting e-mail from Mrs. F if things go poorly.

Try not to think too much about this the next time you shower. Are you an innie or an outie?

Wordless Wednesday - Sentimental Journey

Four years ago you entered the world early and with such a ruckus. I should have known then that you were a very special child.

As we watched your personality develop we began to realize just how special you were.

You weren't just the only boy in a house full of girls. You were the one who would be the orneriest, stubbornest, and funniest.

Between your crazy faces and your crazy sayings, we have never stopped laughing at you. Even when we feel like you are tap dancing on our last nerve by refusing to potty train.

Four years has gone by so incredibly fast.

Just this once it's ok if you don't listen when I tell you to "grow up."
Happy Birthday, Rhino.

Your Zookeeper loves you very much.

(But could you please stay out of your nose!)

Want a Dose of Old?

Guess how I've spent my morning?

Rounding up the paperwork for Tuck's PreK registration next week.

How's that for a dose of "How Time Flies!"

So far I have rounded up the old social security card, birth certificate, and a utility bill for residency verification. I booked his doctor's appointment where I will snag the immunization form and the hearing and vision check. The only thing left is a trip to the dentist which of course I am dreading because we already know he needs work.

And I was wondering why my head was throbbing.

This little guy is getting ready to go to school?

Mom Tip #63: Parenting Knows no Limits.

It is a whole new day at Zoo Suburbia. A day I never even imagined much less anticipated. Ladies and Gentlemen. Loyal Readers. Friends.

Lion and I are paying for poop.

Soak that in for a minute (or maybe not). We are paying for poop. Those of you who have been with the Zoo for a while know that Rhino is being particularly hard headed about the potty training issue. He turns four in a month and there is still no real consistency to his pottying except that you are consistently confused, frustrated, exasperated and beaten down.

Last night we may have had a break through. He was sitting on my lap and "broke wind" (that is such a weird phrase!) and suddenly jumped up and said, "Mom, I gotta go poop." Well, run like the wind little man! Fly away to the potty!

And he did his thing! Woo Hoo and Party at the Zoo! I made a HUGE deal of it and gave out celebration marshmallows and was all excited. Lion called and I let Rhino deliver the news and we had another celebration on the phone and Lion said those magic words, "I'll bring a surprise home for you!" And then he forgot.

Resourceful Lion that he is he took Rhino to the Lion's Den and snagged some pennies out of the change bowl. Then the wheeling and dealing started. "Hey Dad? If I pee and poop in the potty some more can I have more monies?" Sure pal! A penny for the pees and two pennies for the poops.

I have a working score card upstairs. I swear everytime he takes a sip of juice he is going to the bathroom to squeeze out two drops. Who would have ever imagined that I would pay for poop?

How much do you suppose this little trick would cost me?

Welcome to the Rhino's Sleeping Standoff!

It's day three and it looks like the Zookeeper is beginning to lose her composure.

Day One of the stand off occurred due to a secret hideaway nap the Rhino managed to sneak in while the Marmoset and her exploding rear acted as 30 minutes of prime cover fire. Due to a bit of a chocolate high the Zookeeper caved and allowed Rhino to snuggle in the Lion's Den thinking that the Lion would relocate him to the Rhino/Orangutan exhibit at a later time. Lion never made it to the den thus leaving Rhino in the den for the whole night.

Day Two. Zoo lock down went as planned with all exhibits in their proper zones, covered and quiet. Thirty minutes later the Zookeeper stubbed her toe on a fleece covered "rock" that had managed to work HIMSELF from the Rhino/Orangutan exhibit into the middle of the hallway. After another 30 minutes of Lion snuggling and negotiation, the Rhino ended up...in the den. Again with the intentions of relocating him. Again, did not happen.

And here we are at Day Three of Rhino's Sleeping Standoff. We are at 10:32 PM and he is actively exploring the activity area of the Zoo without so much as a shadow of bloodshot in his eye. Sound effects are still in full effect and he has converted the activity area resting apparatus (aka playroom couch) into four carefully spaced landing zones for his imaginary kangaroo friend.

Send coffee. This Zookeeper is going to need it!

The Rhino's Take on Recycling

I am pretty sure that you have all done it or are about to do it within the next 3-6 months. The dreaded Toy Sort. That fateful and horrible day when you try to go through you child's toys and get rid of (insert collective gasp and scream of terror here) the old, broken, never played with toys that are really just collecting dust and taking up space.

I "tried" to do this earlier this week. "How did it go?" you ask? Well, thank you for asking. It was interesting. I don't know how things go where you are but around here used stuffed animals cannot be donated to anyone or any organization because there is no way to safely sanitize them before they are given to another child. I was lamenting this fact on the phone to my sister because these little critters I was facing have a lot of love left in them. I just couldn't see the sense in sending them to the great landfill.

My genius sister (she reads the blog - I kinda have to!) had a truly inspired idea. Since "Santa" brought the kids a playhouse/puppet stand for Christmas, why not cut the critters open, take out their stuffing, and convert them into new puppets? I told you she's a genius!! So I faced the sort with a little less dread knowing that I could "save" some of these critters from a methane death.

As I went through Mount FluffyStuff, Rhino supervised my every move. "Nooooo, Mom! Please don't throw it out!" for every...single...animal. Finally I explained my three piles.

"Tuck, these guys are staying. These guys are going. And these are the ones we are going to make into puppets. We'll cut them open and take their fluff out and make them into puppets for the theater."

"You're gonna take their guts out?!"

"Yes."

I reached for the next toy, got the obligatory "Noooo, Mom!" and returned fire.

"Tuck, I can kill it or I can trash it."

"Alright Mom. Kill it!"

I have a lot of gutting to do now that he's done killing things. But at least we learned a lesson in recycling.

Mom Tip #56

Children make really GREAT teachers!

The Orangutan went back to OAT yesterday (Thank You Lord!!) so it was just me and the Rhino and Marmoset here at the Zoo. When Rhino came to me at 9:30 asking if we could go get O I knew he was bored and if left to his own devices would start to find the worst possible things to entertain himself. We were having company for dinner so that was THE LAST thing I wanted. So I started to scramble for some ideas.

We ran a few errands to kill the rest of the morning, came home for lunch, put the Marmoset down for a nap and then started a few little projects. When we moved into our house 3 years ago, we found an abandoned bird feeder in the garage. Tuck decided that maybe we should put it to use. So we filled it up with some different bird foods and put it out in the yard. My education on outdoor life was about to get a real boost.

When we went back into the house he quickly closed the door behind me and then ducked down between our chaise and the sliding glass door. "Mom! Shhh! And get down!! The birds won't come if they can see you!"

He stayed there for almost half an hour - no small feat for a 3 1/2 year old - and not a single bird came by. As we were packing up to go get O, he told me that while we were gone the squirrels would take care of things. "What?" "The squirrels, Mom. They'll make sure the birds have their glasses so they can see the food and they'll send letters to let the birds know it's here." You just can't respond to that!

I thought that was the end of the birdfeeder for the day but oh, how wrong could I be! We were sitting in the carpool line waiting our turn when a flock of sparrows launched from one of the trees along the driveway. I heard a gasp from the backseat and as I turned around to see what was wrong I got quite the announcement!

"Mom, did you see those birds? They are going straight to our house! It must be time for their lunch."

The things one can learn from their children!

They must have gotten the squirrels' invite.

Diana Broke the Rules!

One of my new bloggy pals Diana missed the brain junk day where I specifically said that I had never been tagged! TTTHHBBBTTT! But this one is really fun!


Think 4! I had to go to the fourth picture file on my computer and post the fourth picutre. And then I get to tag four people to do the same. I was a little apprehensive because the Lion has a bad habit of taking pictures of food - ok I do too! But anyway! Check this one out!

How cute is he! This was before he REALLY started channelling his alter Rhino ego. It was our first trip to the Aquarium two years ago. Makes me remember why I like him as I fight back the urges brought on by the funky odors that are coming across my desk.

So it's time to Tag!

Sandy @ The Adams Family!
Sunny @ The X Mom
Jess @ NBP
Tena @ Punky Monkeys

Mom Tip Not so Mini

Contrary to what Wikipedia says, I think Murphy was a mom, not a scientist.

I had to run by CVS today before we went to pick up Mo from school. We popped in I grabbed what I needed and we got in line at the register. Of course this is when Murphy's Law kicked in.

You know how SM Rhino refuses to potty train? That only applies if we are somewhere that has an easily accessible restroom for customers. CVS doesn't have one of those. "But Mom I think the peeps are gonna come out!!! Stay peeps! Stay!!" Why not? I have no dignity left; let it rip son!

So I pay for our purchase, rush out the door and toss it in the van and then start to sprint up the hill to the Starbucks with an 18 mo old on one hip and three year old in the other hand. Whew! We made it! Thank goodness because that in the back of my van would have been truly Murphy.

Of course I'm the only person in Starbucks aside from the three baristas on duty and the store manager over there in the corner. My guilt gets the better of me and I make up a reason to buy a coffee cake - after all we did just come in here and use their potty. The darling barista behind the counter offers us some hot chocolate samples and makes sure that Rhino is holding his. I turn for the briefest of moments to pay for the coffee cake and Rhino drops his chocolate. Not just on the floor but in his shoes.

Understand this about Rhino. He doesn't do messy very well. Playing in the dirt is fine but getting something wet and sticky on him is an absolute no no. Remember how I said I had no dignity? Yeah, well, any that was left vanished when he started a full blown melt down right there in the middle of Starbucks. Now I have to figure out how to clean both feet and the inside of his shoes before he'll even think about moving from his soggy chocolate puddle.

And NOW someone else walks in. Where was she three minutes ago? If she had been here I would have slipped unnoticed out a side door and skipped the whole bathroom rental coffee cake! She of course was offered a chocolate too. As I finally got it together I rounded up my coffee cake, my children and a chocolate.

The only problem is that I don't think that was my chocolate.

Oh yeah. Murphy was definitely a Mom.

Mom Tip #48

Boys are completely different from girls.

Yeah I know. That is a “Well, Duh!!” moment but I have to explain myself because there are people out there who have not had the pleasure of having both genders in their family. Me, for example. I only have a sister. So I was not prepared for anything that came with raising a boy or living with a boy’s – shall we call them, quirks?

Boys could really care less about the potty. I think we have covered this in great length but it bears repeating. Munch has to “go potty” every time someone sets foot in the direction of the bathroom. Granted, she is not really doing anything when she is in there, but it counts, right? Not The Boy! He could care less. Tuck, go potty. “But I don’t wanna! (screaming, wailing gnashing of teeth)” And then he pees his pants while he is in mid-fit. What is that?

Boys have no concept of fashion and are not in any rush to get one. As long as they have pants and a shirt, all is right in the world. Shoes are optional. Colors are inconsequential. Socks only exist if you already sacrificed a few toes to the weather. He came out of his room is red shorts with blue pinstripes down the side and a lime green shirt with yellow and white surfboards which was of course backwards. His sandals were on the wrong feet and when I asked him to fix his clothes or at least change his shorts into something that might match a little I got, “But I like it like this.” There is no point in arguing.

Boys speak their own language. Tuck had a friend here the other day and they were out on the porch playing while I cleaned the kitchen. They were speaking to one another like they understood but I am at a loss for what they were saying. There were a lot of sound effects (fire engines, horns honking, back up alarms) and a language that I would be hard pressed to find a dictionary for. But they understood each other and played so nicely that I forgot where they were for a few minutes.

I will probably never win the potty fight. That will be something he just makes his mind up about one day. The fashion might have a fighting chance when girls enter the picture. But I do have a shot at the language barrier. I think they were teaching Munch a little the other day. I may actually have a translator in the works. I’ll let you know when she is preparing her dictionary.

Mom Tip #13

Another trip back to the archives friends.

When planning a major project, allow enough time to do it twice - especially if your children are helping.

I think you can probably guess where I am headed with this.

See, I just built a flower bed in my backyard and planted about 40 flower bulbs in it. In the spring it should be a delightful burst of purple, white, yellow, red, pink, and blue. The flowers should bloom in sequence; crocuses, daffodils, tulips, irises, and a few other cute little frilly flowers in between. They should be in neat little rows so that one is sprouting as one fades away.

That is if the boy and the dog didn't get all the way down to them.

I'm sorry. Did I forget to mention that I had help planting my flower bed? Did I also forget to mention that in the middle of it Meghan decided to have a total meltdown forcing me to leave a shovel behind while I went inside to tend to her? Silly me! To think that something as interesting as a trowel would stay where I put it! And even sillier to think that the smell of turned over dirt was not a lure for two year old boys and their dog.

So after replanting my now indistinguishable bulbs we went to the nursery to get mulch to cover the flower bed to prevent another "re-landscaping." By the way, cypress mulch is also irresistible to young boys and dogs so make sure you have them on hand for the spreading (and re-gathering) when it is time.

Not only will you be interrupted during major projects but more than likely you will be re-doing your projects at least once before they reach finalization. Just a Mom Tip from me to you!

Mom Tip #42

Naps are wonderful but time them with care!

Here at Zoo Suburbia things tend to hit critical mass from time to time. Our options when this happens are to either tolerate the incomprehensible screaming and wailing and gnash our own teeth or put some people in crash mode (full blown nap).

Yesterday we picked Mo up from school, ran by the grocery store and headed for home. I thought all was well until The Boy hit the door between the garage and the house. I don’t know what happened or who started it but it was ugly. There was serious screaming from Tuck and Munch and to this moment I have no idea what it was all about. Off to bed. Now here’s the problem. Critical mass didn’t hit until 4. With Munch that’s no big deal; she can take a nap at 4 and still go down for bed at the normal time. She plays pretty hard.

Tuck? Not so much! He went down for his nap and try as I might there was no waking him before 5. The rest of the evening was delightful with minimal fighting but then it was time to go to bed. Talking, talking, books, more talking. There was no end in sight. At 9:30 he came to tell me that Mo hit him. Could that be because she wanted to sleep and you were in her face? “Well, yeah.” Come help me pack lunches.

He talked me through packing lunches. Let’s go brush teeth and get Mom ready for bed. He talked me through that including a discussion on why Mommy has to take her “no baby medicine.” “Yeah we don’t want another Meghan!” Let’s go make the coffee. He talked me through that. Do you need to go potty? This is where I learned that when “the peeps” don’t want to come out it means they aren’t home. They went to the grocery store. I was exhausted so I asked. What do peeps buy at the grocery store? “Food, you silly goose!” What do peeps eat? (I was REALLY tired) “More peeps!” Please son! Can we go to bed?

So I let him snuggle with me in my bed but no snuggles were to be had until we sang The Little Old Lady who Swallowed a Fly. Then I tried to “pretend” I was asleep to encourage him to do the same. Next thing I knew there were toes up my nose. “Smell my feet Mom!” I don’t know what time he finally fell asleep. He was still talking about feet and peeps and coffee when I lost it for the night.

I do know that the peeps got back from the grocery store somewhere around 2:30 this morning. It happened on Daddy’s side of the bed which I heard about pretty promptly but since it wasn’t my side I made a mental note to just sleep really still.

Go ahead. Get those naps in – just make sure you time them early enough in the day. Or take a nap with them!

Mom Tip #26

Potty training a boy equals war. Call up the reserves.

Everyone told me that “training a boy was much more difficult than training a girl.” They didn’t tell me I would need seven battalions and the strength of Patton! Mo? Potty trained at 2 ½ in three days with some help from Grammy. Tuck? He is 3 ½ now and the war rages on. Now like every good war it is fought in battles.

Battle of the Stairs - Getting Tuck to go into the bathroom.
We live in a raised ranch so the basement is actually ground level with a bonus room off the garage that we use as a playroom/office. When I first started training The Boy it was a battle to even get him to go up the stairs to the main part of the house and the bathroom. He would flail, kick, scream, go limp, go board stiff, (and did I mention the screaming?) all the way to the top of the stairs. Then he would dissolve into the carpet like he didn’t have a bone in his body. By the time we got to the bathroom I would be a sweaty harried disaster and more than likely his pull up would already be wet.

Battle of the Seat – Getting his behind to make contact!
In the event that we DID actually get to the potty before he used the pull up we were now up against the sitting part. We tried the small seat that went on the big potty. Nope. We tried just the big potty. Not happening. We invested twenty bucks in a floor training potty. But if you’re sitting on it you can’t push the button to make it sing. Never mind that the potty will sing if you just pee in it! And by now we have used the pull up instead.

Battle of the Poo – Well, that’s self explanatory.
Boys stink. They start stinking with that first poo in the hospital and they don’t ever stop. Now imagine walking into a room and being knocked down by that smell? And nine times out of ten, he’s just sitting there like it’s the norm. Why?! Can someone please explain to me why?! And how?! How can he stand that smell?! We’ve tried treats, stickers, punishments, stopping our attempts only to try later. I even let the boy drop his drawers where ever he wanted while we were on vacation out in the country. Nothin’ doin’. The Boy will not go in the potty.

It is my husband’s idea that you don’t run into grown adults who aren’t potty trained out there in the day to day world so he’ll get over this. Just this once (and don’t you dare tell him!) I hope he’s right. Just this evening I was summoned to the front lines to deal with the enemy. He shows no signs of surrender.

I, however, have started to embroider pretty gold stitching around the hem of my white flag. At least I’ll go down with a flourish.