Mom Tip #48

Boys are completely different from girls.

Yeah I know. That is a “Well, Duh!!” moment but I have to explain myself because there are people out there who have not had the pleasure of having both genders in their family. Me, for example. I only have a sister. So I was not prepared for anything that came with raising a boy or living with a boy’s – shall we call them, quirks?

Boys could really care less about the potty. I think we have covered this in great length but it bears repeating. Munch has to “go potty” every time someone sets foot in the direction of the bathroom. Granted, she is not really doing anything when she is in there, but it counts, right? Not The Boy! He could care less. Tuck, go potty. “But I don’t wanna! (screaming, wailing gnashing of teeth)” And then he pees his pants while he is in mid-fit. What is that?

Boys have no concept of fashion and are not in any rush to get one. As long as they have pants and a shirt, all is right in the world. Shoes are optional. Colors are inconsequential. Socks only exist if you already sacrificed a few toes to the weather. He came out of his room is red shorts with blue pinstripes down the side and a lime green shirt with yellow and white surfboards which was of course backwards. His sandals were on the wrong feet and when I asked him to fix his clothes or at least change his shorts into something that might match a little I got, “But I like it like this.” There is no point in arguing.

Boys speak their own language. Tuck had a friend here the other day and they were out on the porch playing while I cleaned the kitchen. They were speaking to one another like they understood but I am at a loss for what they were saying. There were a lot of sound effects (fire engines, horns honking, back up alarms) and a language that I would be hard pressed to find a dictionary for. But they understood each other and played so nicely that I forgot where they were for a few minutes.

I will probably never win the potty fight. That will be something he just makes his mind up about one day. The fashion might have a fighting chance when girls enter the picture. But I do have a shot at the language barrier. I think they were teaching Munch a little the other day. I may actually have a translator in the works. I’ll let you know when she is preparing her dictionary.

Mom Tip #43

When your children start school, start setting multiple alarms.

And by multiple alarms I mean a dozen at least and all different and if you can get a firetruck to drive by your house on really important days, go for it!

Three guesses what happened at our house this morning. I woke up 15 minutes before we were supposed to be pulling out of the garage. The rest of the Zoo was knocked out and by knocked out I mean coma state.

The school girl of course didn't want to get out of bed so after 5 minutes of begging, pleading and threats I finally just flipped back the covers, grabbed two feet and started dressing her in her sleep. NutriGrain bars are ok for a 4 year old's breakfast, right? They have "Nutri" as in nutritious in the name! And if I give her a cup of orange juice to wash it down with in the car that will work. I know her dentist would completely approve of a Listerine swish and spit on the tooth front too, wouldn't he?

The child crawled back in bed! Apparently she missed the part where Mom's head was about to spin off her shoulders. The Nudist took it upon himself to "help." "MO! GET UP!! WITE NOOOOOOOW!!!!! I SAID (drag that out a little), GET UP NOW!!!!"

Now the baby was yelling from her crib in the next room (I can't imagine why.), the dog is howling, Lord of the Manor is fussing because I "let" him over sleep, and Magoo is protesting Tuck's wake up tactics. I, in the meantime, have realized that I forgot to pack Mo's lunch last night so I'm trying to assemble a bologna sandwich, remember to pack the water bottle and cajole Mo into eating her real breakfast of cinnamon toast. Where's my coffee? Oh yeah! I didn't set that up last night either.

Cram Mo's feet into her shoes, wave a magic hairbrush over her head, do a quick pass with the toothbrush (sorry Dr. King!) and head for the van. This is when Beloved announced that he was getting in the shower and the baby and The Boy had to go with me to take Mo to school. Are you on something?! But off we go. Oh yeah!! Maybe putting some contacts in would be a good idea. I mean it helps if you can see while you're driving. And a bra would be a good idea just in case I have to get out of the van.

We made it on time. The child was fed, dressed, brushed (teeth and hair), and smiling when she left the van.

I rewarded myself with Dunkin Donuts! I'll be calling the fire station this afternoon. Those Christmas cookies I deliver every year have to get me SOME perks!

Mom Tip #36

Read every book written on parenting but you’ll still be surprised.

Go to any Barnes and Noble and you can find a whole line up of books about pregnancy, parenting and child psychology. Go ahead and spend a fortune and then countless hours reading them. You’re still going to have days that make your jaw drop.

Daddy was helping Tuck get ready for church this morning and they were making one of the last passes by the bathroom before we walked out the door. I don’t know what inspired it but Tuck told Daddy what he’s been telling me all week.

“I don’t want Mo anymore.”
You don’t? Well what do you think we should do with her?
“I don’t know but I don’t want her!”
Well, should we ship her off somewhere? Mail her to someone?
“Yeah!!” He reached into his pocket and pulled out an imaginary letter which he proceeded to unroll like a scroll. “Dear Mo, Go Away!”

You can’t prepare for that.

This evening (as if one off the wall surprise a day would ever be enough in the Zoo!), I did everyone’s baths and one by one they left the bathroom with towels on their heads. I know you all will be shocked and amazed when I tell you that the Nudist and his Apprentice took this as an engraved invitation to stay au natural.

Mo took a separate shower after the other two so when she got out of the tub with her towel she headed for her room for her pajamas. I’m going about my business rinsing out the tub and restoring order when she comes flying (her towel as a cape of course) into the bathroom.

“Mom!! I just found poop in the middle of our bedroom floor!”

You can’t prepare for that.

Off to the bedroom to clean up the poop. Nudist is hiding in the closet and Apprentice is dancing in the hallway. Who would you think was the culprit? Nudist of course and he claimed the handiwork to avoid interrogation and punishment. Fine. I clean it up and pass out pajamas. No more naked butts!

On my way back out the hallway I scoop up Apprentice and carry her out to get her dressed. As I flip her up to diaper her I make a horrible discovery. She was the culprit. Please don’t ask me how I came to this discovery. It’s just not pretty.

You can’t prepare for that.

Mom Tip #32

Pregnancy brain is just training for Mom brain.

Remember pregnancy brain? Of course you don’t! You’ve already moved to Mom brain.

You would be sitting on the couch staring at your belly and suddenly you would think of something you needed to do. Let’s say, plug in your cell phone and the charger is in the kitchen. As you walk to the kitchen a cute baby commercial suddenly comes on TV and since you are pregnant you automatically stop and watch. 60 seconds later you walk into the kitchen (with cell phone in hand, mind you!) and you have no idea why you were there. Oh well. As long as you are in the kitchen you grab 2 slices of pepper jack cheese, a glass of chocolate milk (the baby need the calcium!), the bag of pretzels from the top of the fridge and the caramel apple dip. On your way back to the couch, you wonder what it was that you were getting up to do. Oh well. You’ll take care of it when you remember. It couldn't have been too important.

Then there’s Mom brain. You sat down after dinner for a quick sitcom before you tackle the task of cleaning up the kitchen and packing tomorrow’s lunches. As your sitcom wraps up you get up to head to the kitchen. On the way there the nudist shows up looking for a bedtime snack and drink. The older child starts making fun of the nudist for being well, naked. A naked fight isn’t what you are looking for right now so you make a deal. If the nudist will go get jammies back on, you will get everyone a snack. Now that you have restored peace you take a deep breath and….WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!?!

The smallest member of your tribe looks up at you with a huge grin and big shiny eyes. “Mum, Mum! Ahh tink tink!” No kidding!! Off to the nursery you go for the sake of anyone who still has a nasal lining. Of course the diaper pail is full so you tuck the wee one into bed and head for the garbage can in the garage. Then it’s back to the kitchen. You know you’re supposed to be doing something in here but can’t for the life of you remember what. So you grab a chocolate bar – if you knew how to hook up a chocolate IV you would – a glass of sweet tea and you head back to the couch. This time though you don’t wonder what you were getting up to do.

You’re too tired to care.

Mom Tip #30

There is a nudist in every family.

I really hate to be the one to break this news. But there is!

The nudist is the child who hears the word bath and his clothes vaporize. He doesn’t beeline for the tub though. All he really wanted was a reason. Now he will begin to wildly sprint laps around the house waving his arms above his head shouting a combination of “You can’t catch me!” and “I’m FREEEEEEE!”

The nudist child is the one who you sent to the bathroom and when you went to check on the progress all you found was a set of clothes on the floor. Child is now MIA. When you finally find him after a neighborhood search he will scream like Death is after him when you suggest he put clothes back on.

The nudist is the child who will suddenly, randomly (and usually in front of dinner guests) walk up to you – naked of course – and ask for a snack and a drink. Nudist Child finds it perfectly acceptable to be himself regardless of who might be in the house.

May I make a suggestion? Don’t ask why. I did once and the answer I got was so matter of fact and obvious that I was left speechless for an hour.

Son, why won’t you keep your clothes on?!

“You don’t make the dog wear clothes!”

I guess if the dog’s naked, we should all be naked!