European Faucets, Floods and Lasagna

**Feel like you're missing something?

Horsefeathers (Part 1)
The Drip (Part 2)

I had settled from my hysterical laughter and assumed my position under the sink to give the water supply line one more crack and this time, it took. Now to see if I had any leaks.

Tenatively I turned the water back on at the valves under the sink. No faceful of spray so that is encouraging. Then I turned on the faucet. Only a minor leak there so I snagged one of the Wrenches of Doom and started adjusting and tightening. Still leaking. Then I saw those darling little black rings that had eluded me earlier. After quickly disassembling the sprayer one more time I inserted the proper rubber washer, tightened it back down and voila! No more leak at the sprayer end.

What I had failed to check was whether there was a leak at the supply end. I had been "up top" turning the water on and off for a good fifteen minutes before I got it settled. In the meantime there had been a fountain bubbling merrily away under the sink and out of the cabinet and across the floor and right under the oven. If only I had left a dog food dam there to slow things down.

Three large bath towels later I could finally get back under the sink to turn the water off and try to reconnect the supply line. And this is when Lion came home. Excellent timing because now I don't have to try the Wrenches of Doom set up again; he can just untwist me from the top. It took a few tries for us to figure out which way he needed to turn his end so that my end stayed untangled but we finally got it. I asked him to gently turn the water on. I wasn't really in the mood to wash the lump on my forehead at this point. And after one small twist we were leak free.

And then he put the sprayer back into the faucet housing. And it didn't go all the way in. It hung out by half an inch. It wasn't flush. He looked at me. I stared at the faucet. One thing to know about Lion. If it isn't right, it can't stay. Half an inch. I stared at the faucet. I pushed on it. I pulled on the hose from the bottom side. Maybe it was hung up on something in the housing. Lion looked at me. I stared at the faucet.

Lion said, "I need to run up to the corner store. I'll be right back."

I think I mumbled something like, "Yeah, whatever."

I cooked dinner in the bathroom Sunday night. Well not completely cooked it but washed all the vegetables. I had disassembled the whole thing and returned it to Home Depot. There was no merry tripping this time. It took all my strength not to scream "Horsefeathers!" at every orange apron that passed me. Faucet guts and appendages were strewn all over my counter while I tried to cook. The gaping whole in my sink kept winking at me like it was delighting in having the night off.

I got up Monday morning with a new attitude. All I needed to do was try Ace Hardware. Surely "the Helpful Hardware Place" would have what I needed. I hate red aprons too. They had exactly the same universal kit that I had just returned only they were willing to admit that it was the wrong thing before I even told them I had already tried it. And they get a bonus point for referring me to a plumbing specialty store 9 miles away. At least they tried to offer me a solution.

I called my sister and asked her to look up the address up for me (thank you internet for allowing a person in Missouri to find an address in Georgia) and I plugged it into my navigation system. Now please keep in mind that Marmie was with me while I attacked this problem and with the help of a chocolate creme filled doughnut, she was being charming and delightful. I'm pretty sure I would have Horsefeathered someone if she had even shown a shadow of nuttiness.

At the plumbing specialty store, The Ball Cap twins took one look at my hose (yes, I had plumbing in my purse) and started shaking their heads. It turns out that my faucet was made by a German stainless steel company and therefore has no parts in the US. We were now edging up on the 24 hour mark and I had just learned that I wasn't replacing a hose - I was replacing a whole faucet.

I won't say it. I won't say it. I'll just go get the faucet and fix the problem.

So back to Home Depot I went. I stomped back to the kitchen faucets. I growled at the ladder that was in front of the display. I found a faucet that looked very similar to our old faucet and I brought it home. By now I was looking at my sink like it was Mount Everest in January. There was no way I was going to be able to get this done and I had planned out lasagna for dinner. Lasagna is messy. I had to have water. I didn't have anything else even remotely ready to fill in if lasagna was out of the question.

Marmie went down for her nap and I gathered my tools. Disconnect the main lines. Pull the old fixture completely out. Drop the new fixture in. Tighten it into place. Figure out that there were more adapters on the main water supply lines to make them fit that stupid European faucet (no offense to my European readers - our stuff just doesn't mix well with yours) and take them off with the Pipe Wrenches of Death. Did I mention that I don't have precisely the right tools for plumbing? Attach the sprayer line. Attach the two main water lines. Attach the sprayer nozzle. Hold your breath. Turn the water on.

No leaks.

One hour. From plumbing disaster to stylish functioning faucet in one hour. No horsefeathers.

I sent my husband a text message. "You have THE most AWESOME wife on the planet!" He called me and asked "Why?"

Hey Lion! HORSEFEATHERS!

And then the Sink Sprung a Leak

**For a definition of Horsefeathers and the beginning of the tale go here.**

Lion will be one of the first to admit that he is not mechanically inclined. Therefore it is a true blessing that Silverback taught me some basic home maintenance skills. I have successfully rewired a faulty grounded outlet and I can plunge a toilet with the best of them. But everyone knows, the true test of a person's skills comes when the dreaded drip occurs.


You know The Drip. Suddenly there is a puddle where puddles really shouldn't be and the source is unknown or worse, in a place that can't be reached without years of yoga instruction and pre-plumbing stretches and warm ups. We had The Drip. In the kitchen. Creating a puddle amongst the cleaning supplies and dog food. And it was rapidly growing.



Careful observation revealed that the drip was actually a leak in the line of our retractable faucet and it was at the pull out end. Well, that should be easy enough to fix, right? Just get the new line and replace it! How tough could that be?


I tripped lightly through Home Depot with Marmie in tow and wound my way leisurely down the plumbing aisle. Politely I asked the gentleman in the orange apron if he could direct me to the replacement line in question and I willingly handed over my $20.


Two weeks later the bottom fell out of the dog food bag and I pleaded with Lion to replace the line - TODAY!! "Oh, no! I don't know anything about that. You'll need to do that." Well, if I had known it was going to be my job maybe we could have avoided the whole dog food under the oven fiasco.


So Sunday afternoon, I did my grocery shopping and put it all away. Then I cleaned out the cabinet under the sink and assembled all my tools. Lion and Rhino ran for the hills (aka the park with their golf clubs) while Marmie and Orangutan settled down for an afternoon movie. It's simple I said to myself. I just have to disconnect the sprayer and the supply line from the hose, pull it out and reattach the new one. I called the Silverback for one last pep talk and then settled in to work.


Disassembly went rather well in spite of the fact that I didn't have "precisely" the right tools. But then it was time to put it all back together. Note: Universal kits usually come with about 400 adapter pieces to interchange to make said kit fit your personal scenario. You will find that it is almost impossible to find the proper configuration unless you try every...single...combination. Then you will find that one of those adapters is actually two pieces and you only need half of it. You will be tempted to swear at this point but you will take a deep breath and continue.



When I finally got the top half of the hose to fit the sprayer, I had to feed it through the faucet and back under the sink. This involved a wire hanger, a steak knife and holding a flashlight in my teeth. Twenty five minutes later (after gagging on the flashlight at least half a dozen times) I had it fed through. Now to climb back under the sink.



Another little note for you. When working with flexible metal tubing it is best to have someone helping you. Especially if you have to twist that tubing at all because they will need to twist the other end to keep the tubing straight. Please keep in mind that I didn't have this second person. I began to reconnect the hose to the supply line only to have the nasty thing get wound up tighter than a slinky on crack and completely untwist itself as soon as I let go. But I am a patient woman.


Time to employ the Wrenches of Doom. One adjustable wrench (because remember I didn't have precisely the right tools - 1/2 in versus 9/16 and yes it made a difference!) was attached to the hose on the topside and dangled over the side of the sink so that I could untwist myself. The other wrench was attached to the nut connecting the two lines.


Twist. Twist. Twist.


Slip. Thunk. Right between the eyes. I mean dead in the middle of my own forehead. Of course my body jerked upward, my hand instinctively trying to get to the swelling lump in the middle of my noggin. Except. My arm got tangled up in loose water lines and my hand slammed into the side of the garbage disposal while my head (still rapidly traveling north) smashed into the PVC trap with a resounding THWACK!


There's only one word a person can say at a moment like that. Especially when they are mindful that their darling daughters could step into the kitchen at any moment and they do not want to be the one to teach those daughters to be unladylike.


HORSEFEATHERS!!!


When my vision cleared and the room stopped spinning I thought it was best to get out from under the sink and survey the damage I had just done to my head. I took one look in the mirror at my previously tidy bun which was now a mass of flyaways, tangles, a dead spider and a million cobwebs and I started to giggle. Then I started to chuckle and finally was laughing so hard at the whole situation that I had tears rolling down my face.


I had grown into my legacy. I had used "Horsefeathers!" in context, by instinct, and at completely the right moment. When I recounted this part of the story to Silverback later that evening he assured me that it was definitely a "Horsefeathers!" moment.


But for all of my chuckling, I still didn't have water in my kitchen.

Talk me Down People!

I mean it! Send the intervention team because I am teetering here!

Yesterday the Rhino had a less than stellar day at R.A.T. And when I say "less than stellar" I'm really saying he lost his ever lovin' mind. We won't get into the nitty gritty details but the bottom line is that military school is looking like a real possibility. When I referred to his punishment as "solitary confinement" yesterday I was being kind.

Once I calmed down (close to midnight last night) I worked with his teacher to devise a behavior chart and reward system which we launched today. This week there are cool underpants and ice cream hanging in the balance. Don't think about that too much; it's gross. But now I have to devise some rewards for going forward.

Lion put some time at the driving range on the block since Rhino seems to have an affinity for golf. And we always have good ole Monkey Joe's and Chucky Cheeze that we can put up for bids (although I would rather have bamboo shoved under my fingernails). But even that is only 4 weeks' worth of rewards.

I was commiserating with a friend this morning about the whole deal. In the process of conversation we started talking about our attempts to get some speech therapy for the little guy. Yeah, he's a mess; but he's ours. My pal suggested that maybe if we can get the speech going he'll feel like he's in control of something else and his behavior will start to settle down.

My brain said "hmmm, give him something else to control." And this is where the intervention comes in because the next thing that went through my brain was, "What if I get him a small pet that is his responsibility? His thing to control!"

In an ideal situation, the security dog doesn't eat the new small pet. In an ideal situation Rhino feels a responsibility for his new pal and he feeds it and helps clean the cage and takes care of it. In an ideal situation the girls don't get jealous and demand their own "responsibilities" which (knowing my luck) could lead to more "little responsibilities."

This Zoo is not conducive to "ideal situations."

This is a bad idea, right? I really shouldn't do this. I should just stick to ice cream and M&M's and Happy Meals. Talk me down friends because in my desperation not to be known at the mother of the school lunatic, the idea of a George and Gladys is appealing to me right now.

I should probably go eat. It has to be the low blood sugar talking.

Every Child is Unique in their Own Unique Way!

All together now. Well, duh!! But I don't think you fully grasp what I'm saying.

Yes, all children have their own personalities and likes and dislikes. They all look a little different unless they are identical twins and even then something differentiates the two. But there are some...we'll call them "quirks" to some children that make them a little more unique than average.

Example - The Rhino has taken to singing everything. (His father is so proud of his impending Broadway career.) He came up from the playroom while Lion, Silverback and I were playing Texas Hold Em Saturday evening panting like a dog. "Are you a dog now son?" I asked thinking he was just pretending that the climb up the stairs had taken it out of him.

"No Mom! I'm a boy! But I have to (threw his arms open as wide as he could) PEEEEEEEEE!!!"
He sang that last little bit like he was Pavarotti center stage at the Kennedy Center. My head immediately hit the table and the next thing I knew I was laughing so hard I couldn't decide if I should hyperventilate or cry.

As if that wasn't enough, I handed out some leftover jelly beans for dessert last night. Marmie decided that she didn't really want hers so suddenly they were gone. When I asked what happened to the beans, Rhino piped up with (to the tune of There's a Hole in the Bucket)

"I put them in my mouth and I chomped them.
I chomped them. I chomped them.
Put them in my mouth and I chomped them.
I chomped them right down."

He's special.

Then you have Marmie. She took her uniqueness to a whole new level today. Tell me. How do your children react to Tylenol? Legally induced coma? Nothing? How about Crackhead? Do any of you get that? Because that's what I got!

She woke up spitting mad at the world and complaining that everything was owie from her nose to her knees and even her "hairsh" were "bad." She felt a little warm so like the loving and concerned mother I am I studied the Tylenol label and gave her the dosage recommended for her size and age. BBBRRRNNNTT! Wrong answer!

Yes, her mood improved dramatically. She started running in circles singing, talking and babbling to herself like a lab rat on speed. At one point (and the video of this would have been AWESOME!) she did that lay on your side and run in a circle thing. Then she rolled from one side of the room to the other. I kid you not when I say this child lost it in such a grand fashion I didn't know if I should call 911 or laugh my pushers off. As I told my sister, she went around the bend with both arms above her head screaming "Wheeeeeeeeee!"

And then she was fine. The spaz out lasted about 30 minutes and then she was mellow and sweet - my normal kid. I knew when her 4 hours were up though because she started all the whiny, achy, cranky nonsense all over again. Of course by then it was time for nap and this momma ain't no fool! I was not about to pump it into her a second time!

I even went so far as to wait until nap and carpool were over and I dropped her dose to a half. Maybe the whole dose was just too much for her. This time she ran circles around her friend yelling "R look at me! I runnin'! I runnin'!" Then she ran to the other side of the room and fell on her face. No lie! Like she was doing a belly flop into a pool - WHAM! Into the floor. She flipped over, said, "Hey Momma! I fall down! Wanna see 'gain?" And she lathered, rinsed and repeated! This time it was only about 15 minutes of insanity but insanity just the same.

She's special. And she is now limited to Motrin.

Shove Sentiment!

Can I blip yesterday from the grid and try again? Seriously?

I was off to a wonderful start with getting all my blog posting up and commenting like a fiend. I didn't do much because I knew it was a short morning with O having an early release day. All was going well.

Then Marmoset and her pal decided to clean out all the gravel and sand in the bottom of the fireplace onto my livingroom floor. I can deal.

Then they emptied my purse and coupon organizer all over kingdom come.

We went to get O.

We came home, had lunch, and went down for naps. Pal decided to strip. I redressed Pal put her back down and took a shower. I came out of the shower and Pal has stripped again, this time distributing the contents of her diaper for me. Marmoset only got an hour nap.

I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to keep Marmie and Pal where I could see them at all times while still making sure Rhino got to the potty on a regular schedule and O had a steady supply of snacks for her tapeworm. Well, it HAS to be a tapeworm. No healthy child eats like that!

Then we handed Pal off to second sitter and packed up for Rhino's check up. We've been away from the city for two years now. I forgot how nasty traffic is especially in the rain. It took me 10 minutes to get within a mile of the doctor's office. It took me another 25 to actually make that mile.

Then it was an hour for the checkup, vision, hearing, and "shops" as Rhino calls them. Did I mention that it was still raining? That meant that traffic was still snargled beyond belief so it was another 45 minutes to get home (a 15 minute drive without traffic but who am I kidding? There's always traffic!).

I followed all the other chaos up with a disasterous dinner for everyone (who burns corndogs?) topped off by a blue birthday cake with white icing. It was his birthday; if he wanted Smurf cake who was I to say no? At least I talked him out of the blue frosting.

Did I mention that I've been in a perpetual allergy attack all day? Sneezing, itchy eyes, snotty head, and stopped up ears. Did I also mention that I have Pal and Rhino's BFF again tomorrow after I register Rhino for school?

If I'm not on drugs already (which I may be...I'm not sure) I probably should be.

***************************************************

I wrote this last night before I went to bed and I was revisiting in hopes that I had a better perspective. I don't. Did I mention that I lost the keys to my van at some point in all the chaos last evening? Did I mention that I searched all morning only to realize that I left them in my hooded sweatshirt which was going in the laundry? I should have known it wasn't going to be a much better day.

So Rhino's BFF didn't come today after all because he's under the weather. But Pal is back. Stab me in the ears. Another cleaning out of the fireplace. More pinching and scratching. There's a Mom Tip in this. I'll be back when I can tip and not rant.

Where's my coffee? It's entirely too early for an "Uh Oh" moment.

Preemtive Panic Attack

AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!

Thank you. I needed to do that so that I don't do it in about three hours. What happens in three hours you ask? Thank you for caring. My home will have eight people in it. I will be the only one over eight years old. Unless you count the dog.

Let's take a roll call shall we?

K1 - 7 in a few days

K2 - 5

Orangutan - 5 (5 days younger than K2)

Rhino - 4 tomorrow

K3 - 3

Marmoset - 2 in two weeks

and R - 2 on Sunday.

What was I thinking? And I promised them that I would make chocolate chip cookies for snack. Did I mention that it's about to start raining any minute? Me and seven children. In the playroom. All afternoon.

It was nice blogging for you. I'll be in my padded cell tomorrow.

Mom Tip Mini

Think twice before adding last minute exhibits to your zoo.

I love my daughter. I love her friend. I love my son and I love his friend. Having a friend sandwich when you don't HAVE to is not a good idea. Yesterday I had Tuck's friend (because I keep him two days a week). But being the kind and generous person I am, I knew that the girls were out of school today for Election Day. I'll let Mo have an all day playdate!! That will be so nice of me!

Brrrnnnttt. And on top of that I took them all to the park where we met up with the other friends. That's right Zoo fans! I single handedly took four children to the park on an absolutely gorgeous no school day (it was PACKED!!) and met up with one other adult and three more children. Do you have a mental picture yet?

Two adults. One seven year old. Three five year olds. Two three year olds and an eighteen month old. Four children who decided to adopt my friend and I since their parents were too busy talking on their cell phones and about a dozen children who seemed insistent on giving us heart attacks by climbing up the outside of the twenty foot high climbing structure.

I'm exhausted. My nerves are shot. And I still have to mop my floor and make dinner. Did I mention that Tuck's friend comes back tomorrow?

I'm taking Thursday off.

Mom Tip #53

Sometimes the best policy is, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ‘em!”

Well, you are going to be the one to clean it up anyway, right? So why not have some fun while you are at it?

Play dough going wrong for you? Squish! Finger paint getting out of hand (literally)? Smear! Sugar high sending folks ricocheting? Chomp and bounce!

Last night was Halloween and as happens every year the sugar was flowing freely and folks were getting wired. What better way to battle the rush than to get a little sweeter myself! The whole time the Lion was out on procurement, I was home with Marmoset splitting miniature candy bars and popping Sweet Tarts. By the time the Orangutan and Rhino were back, I was INVINCIBLE!! I even managed to bathe children last night!

Sometimes Mom, you have to just stop trying to get the reins back on a runaway stage and just let the horses run it out. There is plenty of time to get back on the trail later – you might as well have a little fun along the way!

Mom Tip #52

Plans are NEVER set in stone – even if you ARE the one who made them.

I think one of the biggest challenges of motherhood is being constantly and faithfully flexible while maintaining your sanity. You can plan a full day and an hour after announcing the plan, the whole smash is shot to pieces and you have to roll with it like the champ you are.

Take my day today. I got up this morning (after sleeping so fitfully on the couch with a teething baby all night) bright and early. The girls were cooperative while getting ready for church. The boys were still in bed but I had a brief conversation with L.M. Lion.

Me: So you are going to carve the pumpkins today, right?
Lion: Sure.Me: Would you pick up a newspaper when you go to get the carving kit while I’m at church? I want to check the sales before I go do the grocery shopping this afternoon.
Lion: I thought I was going to BJ’s (shopping club thing).
Me: When do you want to do that?
Lion: I’ll go tomorrow before I go to work.
Me: Awesome. But get a paper anyway because we need produce and some non-BJ’s stuff.

That settled the final plan was I go to church. I come home, drop off children and run to do grocery shopping while he has quality time with the zoo. I come home; he goes to watch football with his buddies. Then we have a nice family evening carving pumpkins at home.

I came home from church to two boys still in PJ’s, my kitchen trashed from pumpkin guts, no one has had breakfast and my paper has already been torn apart. But I am Mom. I can be flexible. So I scramble to restore order to the kitchen while stewing pumpkin, toasting seeds and making PB&J’s for lunch. I look up to see L.M. Lion in the kitchen door dressed to head to football. Huh? What about the grocery store? Take them with you. When they have been trying to kill each other all day? Not on your life! Well, you’ll work it out. Deep breath. I am Mom. I can be flexible.

Three hours later he comes home. You haven’t been to the grocery store yet? No. I was waiting for you to get home to watch the children. But I was going to go to BJ’s. I thought that was tomorrow morning! I decided to do it today. And you called to tell me when? Well, can you go so I can have the van? Not everything is going to fit in my car. I am Mom. I can be flexible. I grabbed Marmoset and out the door we went for a sprint through the grocery store.

I came home to no progress on the pumpkin front and L.M. Lion napping on the couch. Do I need to mention that BJ’s is happening tomorrow? Two of the three pumpkins got done and dinner was called on account of whiplash.

I am Mom. I can be flexible – just give me a little warning, would you?

Am I completely nuts?!

Neighbor is out of town this weekend. Neighbor has a 80 lb chocolate lab. Bentley didn't go out of town with Daddy. I've taken him into the Zoo. Did I mention that I am on cough syrup with codeine? Did I mention that Daddy has to go in to work early tomorrow and will be there late tomorrow night?

So the Zoo now has 1 Large Male Lion, 1 Orangutan, 1 S.M. Rhino, 1 P. Marmoset, 1 small security dog (Jack Russell terrier) and 1 large security dog (chocolate lab). Marmoset thinks Large Security Guard should double as a horse. S.M. Rhino thinks he makes a great pillow. Small Security Dog is incredibly jealous and has been sulking all night.

What have I done?

Mom Tip #44

You’re not imagining it; your children DO have multiple personalities.

Lord of the Manor had a moment yesterday. He looked at me and said, “What is wrong with him!? I don’t like his attitude or behavior at all today!!” Welcome to my world dear.

The Boy really does have multiple personalities. When it’s just us (Tuck, Munch and Mom) he is as sweet as can be. He plays with Munch, shares his toys, helps me clean, goes potty without prompting, is a general angel.

Then we go pick Mo up from school. The Boy turns into Mr. Aggravation and Whine. He picks fights, shoves both girls, whines about everything, and refuses to acknowledge that the bathroom even exists. Tell him no or correct him and he flips out like a cornered badger!

Mo isn’t an exception. She can be calm, quiet, kind, giving, and as attentive as anything. Then something snaps in here and suddenly she’s a wild woman who won’t listen to anything and is ricocheting off the walls like a Super Ball on a on a pound of Pixie Sticks.

The only benefit to the multiple personalities is Munch. She can be incredibly sweet or outright hysterical. She was eating lunch today and suddenly started channeling Chewbacca’s love child from an Ewok! Still cute and cuddly but the noises she was making had me about to pee on myself. And the more I laughed, the louder and faster she Sqrowled (new term – squeaked and growled).

My only advice is to make a list of the personalities and when they arise. I know Mr. Aggravation rears his nasty little head when Tuck needs a snack. I know Wild Woman pops up when Mo is so tired she can barely stand up.

I have no idea what started baby Chewy today but you can bet that I’m going to trigger her as often as possible!

The other option is to start expressing your own personalities (you know that you have them!) and something tells me that that might just compound the problem.

Mom Tip #43

When your children start school, start setting multiple alarms.

And by multiple alarms I mean a dozen at least and all different and if you can get a firetruck to drive by your house on really important days, go for it!

Three guesses what happened at our house this morning. I woke up 15 minutes before we were supposed to be pulling out of the garage. The rest of the Zoo was knocked out and by knocked out I mean coma state.

The school girl of course didn't want to get out of bed so after 5 minutes of begging, pleading and threats I finally just flipped back the covers, grabbed two feet and started dressing her in her sleep. NutriGrain bars are ok for a 4 year old's breakfast, right? They have "Nutri" as in nutritious in the name! And if I give her a cup of orange juice to wash it down with in the car that will work. I know her dentist would completely approve of a Listerine swish and spit on the tooth front too, wouldn't he?

The child crawled back in bed! Apparently she missed the part where Mom's head was about to spin off her shoulders. The Nudist took it upon himself to "help." "MO! GET UP!! WITE NOOOOOOOW!!!!! I SAID (drag that out a little), GET UP NOW!!!!"

Now the baby was yelling from her crib in the next room (I can't imagine why.), the dog is howling, Lord of the Manor is fussing because I "let" him over sleep, and Magoo is protesting Tuck's wake up tactics. I, in the meantime, have realized that I forgot to pack Mo's lunch last night so I'm trying to assemble a bologna sandwich, remember to pack the water bottle and cajole Mo into eating her real breakfast of cinnamon toast. Where's my coffee? Oh yeah! I didn't set that up last night either.

Cram Mo's feet into her shoes, wave a magic hairbrush over her head, do a quick pass with the toothbrush (sorry Dr. King!) and head for the van. This is when Beloved announced that he was getting in the shower and the baby and The Boy had to go with me to take Mo to school. Are you on something?! But off we go. Oh yeah!! Maybe putting some contacts in would be a good idea. I mean it helps if you can see while you're driving. And a bra would be a good idea just in case I have to get out of the van.

We made it on time. The child was fed, dressed, brushed (teeth and hair), and smiling when she left the van.

I rewarded myself with Dunkin Donuts! I'll be calling the fire station this afternoon. Those Christmas cookies I deliver every year have to get me SOME perks!

A letter from the Zookeeper

Dear Zookeeper Sisterhood,

Please treat visiting Zookeepers In Training (henceforth referred to as Z.I.T.'s) with great care. I was hostess to a Z.I.T this weekend and I fear that I may have popped her.

My Z.I.T was holding up quite nicely to the craziness that is Zoo Suburbia in spite of Marmoset's determination to keep shoes on her feet regardless of what Zookeeper and Z.I.T. were doing when her shoes fell off. She was even beginning to speak Rhino with a fluency reserved for those of us who are in daily contact with him. Orangutan was at school but was so delighted to have the visiting Z.I.T. that she was on her best behavior and was containing her climbing antics to the exhibit closing routine.

Then the zoo began to reveal the ugliness that lies behind the solid wooden fence between exhibits. It began with Rhino's recounting of the debris I had just removed from his attire. "That looks just like a rocket ship! Coooool!!" I think the Z.I.T. might have considered tossing her cookies.

The following day we loaded the livestock trailer and visited Zoo Atlanta. I believe the Z.I.T. referred to it as herding cats on high levels of catnip. The Orangutan chose this moment to share her whine settings and Marmoset gave a lecture on The Effects of a Missed Nap. Rhino shared some delightful tips on How to Aggravate an Orangutan because he certainly couldn't be left out.

My Z.I.T. was holding up fairly well after an evening of rest but then I tested her skills to the limit. It was the trip to the food procurement center that did her in I believe. The Rhino chose to do some unsupervised investigation of the center, the Orangutan was back to her normal swinging from anything that was still and Marmoset was about to launch into her lecture on the Effects of Missed Meals. Did I mention that after arriving back at Zoo Suburbia, the Rhino thought it perfectly acceptable to start channeling his alter ego The Nudist?

Add to all of this that Z.I.T.'s have not developed the mutant antibodies that act as a Zookeeper's medical Armor All and she was starting to catch a bit of an allergy induced cold, and my Z.I.T. popped.

So let this be a lesson to you, my Zookeeper Sisterhood. When handling a Z.I.T., use extreme caution. Especially if your Zoo is one like mine. As a fellow Zookeeper once said, "Some quality time with my Zoo and your eggs will refuse to hatch!"

Sincerely,
The Zookeeper

The Zookeeper Goes Seussical

{For those that are part of my CafeMom world - sorry it needed to make the trip over here!}

This is not good. This is not right.

The children have gone to bed for the night.

It's way to early for this state.

Maybe someone can relate.

All day the battles raged and roared.

Zoom went the toys and slam went the door.

Best of friends they used to be.

What has changed I cannot see!

"But it's MY turn!" she hollered out.

"No, it's NOT." I heard him shout.

"No, No! Mum, Mum!" the baby chimed.

As the dog stared at me and whined.

And then the crying with a high pitched screech

She didn't make it out of his reach.

Teapot to the head, a hand full of hair

I'll never take them anywhere!

But tomorrow morn the sun will rise

My little terrors will open eyes

"It's church day!" she'll beam and spring from bed

"Mornin' Mom!" from my little tow head.

"Hi Mum Mum!" the babe will say.

And so we'll start a brand new day.

"Dear Lord," I pray with all my heart

"Please don't let more rukus start!"

"My head of glass no more can bear

The clawing, scratching and pulling hair.

Wash my home with peace and love

Or I'll be forced to send them to you above!!"

Mom Tip #41

NEVER deep clean on low mom esteem or during PMS.

*This Tip is rated WS (Weak Stomach). Not appropriate for readers with sensitive gag reflexes.*

You know what I’m talking about, right? There are just days when you question your fitness as a mother and you actually think about calling Child Protective Services and reporting yourself!! And don’t let that day fall during PMS because then you actually pick up the phone and start to dial!

Never deep clean when you are in this “happy” place. It’s just bad for business all around.

I was feeling pretty good about things this morning. I got up and got moving early so the basic maintenance housework was done quickly. That’s when I decided today was the day to REALLY clean the kids’ room. This entails completely clearing the closet and starting from scratch; getting the broom and pulling everything out from under the beds; and eliminating everything from the top of the dresser.

As I dug in the closet a strange sweet smell kept wafting by my nose. I went through every toy until I came to the laundry basket. This is never a good place to sniff closely but I was left with no choice. Oh yeah! There it is! But the basket is empty?! So I took out the liner. The remains of what I think was a banana. I take the liner out every other week on Sheets Thursday and last week was the week so this thing has pretty much been in there since last Friday. Urk.

Then it was time for the broom under the bed. Clank, Thunk, Thud. And Squish?! That’s not supposed to happen. Seventeen books, 2 shoes (not the same pair), four sippy cups with questionable contents, and an apple impaled on the end of the broom?! Do you know how hard it SHOULD be to impale an apple with a broomstick? Urk!

I turned toward the dresser with dread but I had come this far so there was no turning back. Dress up clothes to go back to the playroom, the 8 outlet covers that have been missing for 3 months, the Lawgiver 3000 (they think they’re sneaky!), and a snack bag of moldy Cheeze-its. People, Cheeze-its will be the food of the cockroaches after the nuclear holocaust. They don’t go stale; they don’t ever run out: and they certainly don’t mold! Unless of course they are put in the ultimate Petri dish known as my children’s room. Double Urk!

You would think that that would have been enough for me wouldn’t you?! Oh no! I’m a glutton! I went for the laundry closet after that. This is where I found 238 hair bows (that have been replaced 5 times), 7 socks (whose mates have probably gone to the happy dryer in the sky months ago!), and a pair of underpants that over shot the top of the washer and would probably test even the most highly trained carbon dater’s skills!

If I had been doubting my skills as a mom and housekeeper this would have done me in. I would be sitting in that nice clean closet hugging my knees, rocking and petting my own hair. But it’s a good day. Maybe I’ll adjust the straps on my gas mask and go for the bathroom closet next! That should be fun!

Mom Tip #38

You may feel cut off from the non-Mom world sometimes but you are never alone.

Since Mo has gone to school things have quieted significantly here at the Zoo. I was actually wondering where I was going to get the inspiration for more Mom Tips! Then my alter ego (the Zookeeper) received the following communication from one of the Zookeeper Sisterhood.

“Dear Zookeeper,

Greetings from a fellow zookeeper! I am writing you to see if you would be willing to accept a zoo transfer. I am preparing to take a leave of absence to attend Zookeeper Sanity Camp. I have a small female chimpanzee who needs placement. As I have noticed that your Orangutan has managed to keep her coat in pristine condition, I thought your zoo would be ideal. My Chimp has a bit of a grooming issue of late and needs some serious rehabilitation. There was a bit of an incident with my large male Baboon that has left her looking a bit rough. Please think over the offer carefully. I will contact you upon release from the ZSC to arrange her transfer back to my facility.

Oh, and if you also have room for a Hyena and a very small Hippo, please let me know!”

Now a word of explanation. The Chimpanzee in question met a Hyena with scissor operating skills yesterday. While the Baboon (who was supposed to be on duty while the Zookeeper was at her other place of employment) dozed, the Hyena played hairstylist. My sister Zookeeper put it as “Billy Ray Cyrus’s love child had a run in with a weed wacker.”

The Baboon – thinking he was being funny and charming and “helpful” – decided today that he could fix the problem and now the Chimp has a bald spot above her right ear where she was not a fan of the Baboon’s clippers.

No matter how wild or insane or out of Mom’s control things get, remember there are more of us out there probably having the day you’re having. And if you have learned nothing else from this tip…..

Never leave 2 monkeys and a hyena in a hair salon.

Mom Tip #37

Examine your child occasionally for new and “improved” features.

Apparently while everyone was asleep emergency triggers were installed in my children. They are sensitive to sleep levels and can go off at anytime anywhere.

Magoo’s first day of “big school” was yesterday. It was a very exciting time for everyone. We took great precautions to plan ahead and make sure we had everything we needed. We laid out clothes and packed lunches the night before. We set 2 alarm clocks to make sure everyone got up and Super Mom even planned a family breakfast of blueberry pancakes as a special treat.

Everything went off like clockwork. We got Mo to class, said our farewells and got back to the house just in time for Daddy to go to work. The two small people played together like best friends all day with only a small moratorium for Munch to nap around 9. After lunch it was time for a quick trip to the grocery store and gas station before we had to pick up Mo.

Then the sleep sensitive emergency triggers went off. I didn’t even know they existed. I’ve never seen them and in tonight’s bath I was unable to locate them. I sincerely pray that not only will I be able to locate them but also deactivate them IMMEDIATELY!!

These triggers tripped and Munch started the squeal from…well…you know. Simultaneously Tuck started hollering as loud as he could that his belly hurt and he was just positive if I didn’t get him home NOW the pain was going to make his head fall off. There I was sitting in the carpool line in my own little torture chamber. School was out at 2:20 but it took the longest 20 minutes in history to get the children together for departure.

Just when I thought my head was going to join Tuck’s, it all went stone silent. I pried my now numb fingers from the steering wheel and slowly cracked one eyelid in the general direction of the rearview mirror. There were two passed out cherubs in the backseat where just moments before were the minions of the Dark Lord himself. And what do you know, there’s Mrs. F bringing Mo down the sidewalk. The last thing I wanted to do was hit the button to open that automatic door and sure enough as soon as I did I saw eyelids flutter. As we pulled away from the curb, the triggers tripped a second time and this time Mo felt like she should shout over them to tell me about her day.

I know when I gave birth to these children I counted fingers, toes, ears, eyes – well, everything. I do not remember seeing a red button or a switch that said “Warning: This switch will be activated when sleep levels reach critically low levels leading to failure of volume controls and extreme temper tantrums.”

I don’t know who installed these triggers but it had to have been a male and when I find him he had better hope I don’t have a trigger of my own!

Mom Tip #35

Prepare for Armageddon and be delighted with a Cat 3 hurricane!

We have all taken our children to a doctor’s visit or the dentist or the hair salon right? I try not to take all three if only one is being seen. That should go without saying! Why would you take a rainstorm with you on a picnic right?!

Magoo had her first dentist appointment this morning. I was anxious to begin with but I thought that since it would be just the two of us all would go well. And that was holding until Daddy came home from work last night.

A. No med form that I was supposed to have completed before I got to the office.
B. He was going to have to be at the office at 8 and the appointment was at 8:30. This means I’m taking all three with me. Anybody else’s blood pressure rising just thinking about it?

My hair voluntarily fell out in clumps to spare me the pain and energy it would have required to pull it out.

So I started preparing last night. Do Mo’s hair right out of the tub so I don’t have to do it in the morning. Pack Daddy’s lunch tonight so I don’t have to pack it in the morning. Prep the coffee tonight so I can just flip a switch in the morning. Have a mental picture of all the clothes that everyone is going to wear so that I can just grab them and go. Pack juice cups and tuck them in the fridge. Bag up animal crackers and drop them in the diaper bag. Make sure we have the school form for the dentist to sign.

You would have thought I was taking an all day trip to the zoo not a 2 hour trip WITH the zoo.

Going out the door this morning everyone got to grab one quiet toy to go with the extra books Mom grabbed for entertainment. I left with plenty of time (since now I have to try to fill out a medical form with 3 dancing children around). I even wore my khaki green shorts because I just knew I was headed into war!

And it went off without a hitch! Mo was a trooper and was cooperative the whole time. The hygienist and the doctor were incredibly impressed with her. {We’ll see if they keep that opinion when we start fixing all the work they found!} Tuck and Munch played and watched the fish without incident. They got a little cranky right before we left but they were easily bribed with animal crackers. I even gave a bag away to another mom who forgot hers.

Now imagine if I hadn’t been that prepared? Oh yeah!! Then you KNOW that things would have gotten ugly in a hurry. But instead of the end of the world (or at least my children) I got a small hurricane.

And get this! I wasn’t even a Girl Scout!!

Mom Tip #33

Like anything taken on a regular basis, you will build up a tolerance to insanity.

I envy the moms who have a “normal” life. Their children get up and have breakfast, play together, have a snack, play with mom or (gasp!) take a nap?...I think you get my point.

I was sitting on the couch this evening just taking a little breather with my favorite friends from Food Network when out of the blue the nudist was on the coffee table. I really believe that he has built a little teleporter under his bed and he just pops in and out of it to freak me out. But yes, he was (as usual these days) naked. I glanced up and proceeded to conduct the regular interview. Why are you naked again? “Because I was tired of those other clothes. They weren’t fun anymore.” Please put your clothes back on.

He put his shirt on – backwards of course; why would we do it the easy way? And then still naked from the waist down, proceeded to try to look at the fire truck on his back. You’ve seen a dog chase his tail right? Have you ever seen a half naked dog chasing his tail on a coffee table?

The worst part? I didn’t even blink; I just went back to watching 4 normal people build Candy Castles.

I was on the phone with my sister later and swiveled my chair around to have a 3 pound bag of apples dropped on my lap. So I take it you guys want an apple for snack? “Well, yeah!” So I handed them out. Not five minutes later the big one is spitting peels in the garbage can beside my desk. I really wish you would just swallow those. “I’m not a peel person, Mom.”

I used to call my folks or my sister every time they did something off the wall, out there, space cadet bizarre. Now I just wait for the weekend and share the “really good ones.”

A Note from the Zoo - The EHAS

Dear Zookeeper,

First, we would like to take this opportunity to thank you for the delightful gift of the chocolate chip cookies this week. We would, however, like to address your rationing practices before the next gift is delivered. But that is for another day.

We would like to express our concern about your failing hunger anticipation skills. It has come to our attention that we have been forced to implement our emergency hunger alert system with entirely too much regularity as of late. It is not our wish to intensify the alert system but if necessary, we will.

The large male lion will still continue to demand in his loudest roar but is capable of activating his grumpy refrigerator pawing. As we know from previous experiences, that only leads to higher food costs and very loud rants about the cleanliness of the refrigerator in question.

The female orangutan has informed us that she is capable of boosting her already very high level of wild insanity during periods of low blood sugar. She will also be forced to reactivate the loud, whiny, repetitive, "Is dinner ready yet?" if conditions do not improve.

The small male rhino has been content up to this point with the effectiveness of his fit throwing but feels that he may have a decibel or two that he can add to his demands for immediate gratification. He is also prepared to step up his sister aggravation skills if you need some added incentive to hone your anticipation levels.

At this point we would like to warn you that the pygmy marmoset has been working out. Her ankle cling move is showing great improvement and it now takes a full five minutes for complete extraction. We have found that extraction time can be greatly reduced by the presentation of fruit if it is in a prepared state. She too has been disappointed in your reaction time as of late and has told us that she is willing to add a high pitched scream to her repertoire if it should come to that.

Please know that we don't implement these techniques for our own pleasure. We only want to make you the best Zookeeper in Suburbia. It's for your own good and someday you will thank us for this.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter. We have every confidence that conditions will greatly improve.

Sincerely,
The Zoo