Mom Tip #61: Expect the Expected

Um, Sarah? Don't you mean the "unexpected?" Nope. Sure don't. Because eventually you will expect things to go exactly the opposite of nature. I'm only five years into this mom thing and I'm already indoctrinated to be surprised at nothing.

I was on the phone with The Great Silverback (aka Poppie) the other night. Orangutan was in the playroom being delightfully quiet with her coloring books. Rhino and Marmoset were playing with his wooden train set in the middle of the living room floor and dinner was simmering away on the stove. All was well and The Silverback and I were having a delightful conversation.

Unprovoked and unannounced Marmoset picked up a piece of train track, stood up, and promptly WHACKED Rhino on the head. Without so much as a squeak Rhino picked up a piece of train track, stood up and whacked Marmoset on the head.

Suddenly, both of their eyes flew wide open, their faces contorted as if they were possessed and they let out screams, wails and gnashing of teeth all mashed up together. It was almost as if they were surprised that their skulls were throbbing with cartoonish heartbeats even though they had just actively participated in the exchange.

Silverback immediately said, "You need to go!" To which I very calmly replied, "No, I don't. But give me a second anyway." This was followed by the next very brief exchange.

Marmoset, when you whack your brother you have to expect that he is going to whack you back. Got it? Good.

Rhino, when she stands up with something hard in her hand, it's safe to assume that she is going to whack you with it. Next time duck. Got it? Good.

The Silverback was obviously in tears at my calm and well thought out directions. I'm sure it's awe inspiring to observe my parenting skills in action but I never thought I would move anyone to tears. Then again, if the Grand Keeper (aka Grammy) and her laughter were any indication, the tears may have been more AT me than because of their awe.

Mom Tip #54

Motherhood is gross!

I know I posted a vlog along this line during Motherhood Means (which you may have guessed by now was nixed due to lack of interest). In case you missed it and need a lesson in how NOT to empty a training potty, here you go!

But the point was driven home to me today. I was cleaning the bathroom and had already had to pull one child (Marmoset) and a dog out of the toilet! So you can guess that I was less than thrilled when I turned around to see Marmoset brushing her teeth with the Lion's toothbrush and B-Dog's teeth with MY toothbrush! I am having a hard time expressing just how nauseated I was when I saw this. I of course have disposed of the toothbrush but the heebie jeebies are still stalking me.

I went about my business cleaning the bathroom only to realize that the job "Mom" is, by its very nature, gross. Let me tell you all the gross things I have done in the past week that fall under my job title.

*Cleaning out the fridge. We all know what that is like so I will refrain from going into detail.
*Cleaning the toilets - potty chair included. All I can say for commentary on that is - Men! Of all ages!
*Changing butts. ::sigh::
*Washing the dog. I wash him because he smells. Somehow I always forget that I end up smelling like him every time I wash him.
*Sippy cup hunting. That funky smell in the bedroom is not coming from the laundry basket or the diaper pail.
*Sippy cup washing. Once you find them you have to so something with them.
*Playroom cleaning. Have I ever told you that Cheeze-Its will be the food of the cockroaches after the nuclear holocaust?

If anyone ever asks you why mothers shower at night rather than in the morning, I will give you the easy answer. To wash the crud off! We do not shower in the morning "to wake up" because we are already awake - probably before the rest of the house. We do not shower while everyone else is napping. That's when we get all of our gross stuff done without interruption. We wash up to our elbows before cooking dinner because we know that we are going to get the rest of our bath while we do baths in a little while.

The old hymn says "And they'll know we are Christians by our love." The mom version says, "And they'll know we are mothers by our stench."

Mom Tip #42

Naps are wonderful but time them with care!

Here at Zoo Suburbia things tend to hit critical mass from time to time. Our options when this happens are to either tolerate the incomprehensible screaming and wailing and gnash our own teeth or put some people in crash mode (full blown nap).

Yesterday we picked Mo up from school, ran by the grocery store and headed for home. I thought all was well until The Boy hit the door between the garage and the house. I don’t know what happened or who started it but it was ugly. There was serious screaming from Tuck and Munch and to this moment I have no idea what it was all about. Off to bed. Now here’s the problem. Critical mass didn’t hit until 4. With Munch that’s no big deal; she can take a nap at 4 and still go down for bed at the normal time. She plays pretty hard.

Tuck? Not so much! He went down for his nap and try as I might there was no waking him before 5. The rest of the evening was delightful with minimal fighting but then it was time to go to bed. Talking, talking, books, more talking. There was no end in sight. At 9:30 he came to tell me that Mo hit him. Could that be because she wanted to sleep and you were in her face? “Well, yeah.” Come help me pack lunches.

He talked me through packing lunches. Let’s go brush teeth and get Mom ready for bed. He talked me through that including a discussion on why Mommy has to take her “no baby medicine.” “Yeah we don’t want another Meghan!” Let’s go make the coffee. He talked me through that. Do you need to go potty? This is where I learned that when “the peeps” don’t want to come out it means they aren’t home. They went to the grocery store. I was exhausted so I asked. What do peeps buy at the grocery store? “Food, you silly goose!” What do peeps eat? (I was REALLY tired) “More peeps!” Please son! Can we go to bed?

So I let him snuggle with me in my bed but no snuggles were to be had until we sang The Little Old Lady who Swallowed a Fly. Then I tried to “pretend” I was asleep to encourage him to do the same. Next thing I knew there were toes up my nose. “Smell my feet Mom!” I don’t know what time he finally fell asleep. He was still talking about feet and peeps and coffee when I lost it for the night.

I do know that the peeps got back from the grocery store somewhere around 2:30 this morning. It happened on Daddy’s side of the bed which I heard about pretty promptly but since it wasn’t my side I made a mental note to just sleep really still.

Go ahead. Get those naps in – just make sure you time them early enough in the day. Or take a nap with them!

Mom Tip #39

Supervise your child’s education.

And you may say, “Well, DUH!!” But I’m not talking about your child’s formal education. No, not the great halls of learning. Yes, you should supervise that but since when have you known this mom to be talking about the mainstream version of things?

No, I’m talking about the things one child learns from another – namely what the younger sibling learns from the older.

As is our standard operating procedure here at Zoo Suburbia, I made the kids dinner and set them up at their table in the kitchen. Then I left them to enjoy their meal in peace and harmony (ok. Now I’m laughing at myself!). They thought I had gone downstairs apparently because I came out of the bedroom where I had been folding laundry to hear the following conversation.

T: But I don yike dis stuff (referencing the sauce I had put on his spaghetti).

Big M: It’s okay Tuck. Just do what I do. Eat what you want and then throw your plate at the hole in the sink. The yucky stuff will go down the hole and Mom will never know.

T: Good idea Mo! Thanks!

Big M: Sure! It’s what I always do with my peas!

Please note that “the hole” is the garbage disposal. I’ve been wondering why I’ve been hearing 4 or 5 plates hit the sink every night when they are done with dinner – there’s only 3 of them and Munch isn’t clearing her own plate yet. That leaves 2 plates to make 5 noises? After hearing the above conversation I put it together.

Mo is tall enough now to see into the sink. If her “undesirables” don’t go down the disposal the first time she pulls the old “try, try again!” And now The Boy has picked up the tip so if she reports that his “undesirables” haven’t hit their mark he has her pull his plate back out so he can “try, try again.”

Looks like I’ll be eating a lot of chicken nuggets and corn dogs while I’m on pea patrol from now on.

Mom Tip #38

You may feel cut off from the non-Mom world sometimes but you are never alone.

Since Mo has gone to school things have quieted significantly here at the Zoo. I was actually wondering where I was going to get the inspiration for more Mom Tips! Then my alter ego (the Zookeeper) received the following communication from one of the Zookeeper Sisterhood.

“Dear Zookeeper,

Greetings from a fellow zookeeper! I am writing you to see if you would be willing to accept a zoo transfer. I am preparing to take a leave of absence to attend Zookeeper Sanity Camp. I have a small female chimpanzee who needs placement. As I have noticed that your Orangutan has managed to keep her coat in pristine condition, I thought your zoo would be ideal. My Chimp has a bit of a grooming issue of late and needs some serious rehabilitation. There was a bit of an incident with my large male Baboon that has left her looking a bit rough. Please think over the offer carefully. I will contact you upon release from the ZSC to arrange her transfer back to my facility.

Oh, and if you also have room for a Hyena and a very small Hippo, please let me know!”

Now a word of explanation. The Chimpanzee in question met a Hyena with scissor operating skills yesterday. While the Baboon (who was supposed to be on duty while the Zookeeper was at her other place of employment) dozed, the Hyena played hairstylist. My sister Zookeeper put it as “Billy Ray Cyrus’s love child had a run in with a weed wacker.”

The Baboon – thinking he was being funny and charming and “helpful” – decided today that he could fix the problem and now the Chimp has a bald spot above her right ear where she was not a fan of the Baboon’s clippers.

No matter how wild or insane or out of Mom’s control things get, remember there are more of us out there probably having the day you’re having. And if you have learned nothing else from this tip…..

Never leave 2 monkeys and a hyena in a hair salon.

Mom Tip #36

Read every book written on parenting but you’ll still be surprised.

Go to any Barnes and Noble and you can find a whole line up of books about pregnancy, parenting and child psychology. Go ahead and spend a fortune and then countless hours reading them. You’re still going to have days that make your jaw drop.

Daddy was helping Tuck get ready for church this morning and they were making one of the last passes by the bathroom before we walked out the door. I don’t know what inspired it but Tuck told Daddy what he’s been telling me all week.

“I don’t want Mo anymore.”
You don’t? Well what do you think we should do with her?
“I don’t know but I don’t want her!”
Well, should we ship her off somewhere? Mail her to someone?
“Yeah!!” He reached into his pocket and pulled out an imaginary letter which he proceeded to unroll like a scroll. “Dear Mo, Go Away!”

You can’t prepare for that.

This evening (as if one off the wall surprise a day would ever be enough in the Zoo!), I did everyone’s baths and one by one they left the bathroom with towels on their heads. I know you all will be shocked and amazed when I tell you that the Nudist and his Apprentice took this as an engraved invitation to stay au natural.

Mo took a separate shower after the other two so when she got out of the tub with her towel she headed for her room for her pajamas. I’m going about my business rinsing out the tub and restoring order when she comes flying (her towel as a cape of course) into the bathroom.

“Mom!! I just found poop in the middle of our bedroom floor!”

You can’t prepare for that.

Off to the bedroom to clean up the poop. Nudist is hiding in the closet and Apprentice is dancing in the hallway. Who would you think was the culprit? Nudist of course and he claimed the handiwork to avoid interrogation and punishment. Fine. I clean it up and pass out pajamas. No more naked butts!

On my way back out the hallway I scoop up Apprentice and carry her out to get her dressed. As I flip her up to diaper her I make a horrible discovery. She was the culprit. Please don’t ask me how I came to this discovery. It’s just not pretty.

You can’t prepare for that.

Mom Tip #35

Prepare for Armageddon and be delighted with a Cat 3 hurricane!

We have all taken our children to a doctor’s visit or the dentist or the hair salon right? I try not to take all three if only one is being seen. That should go without saying! Why would you take a rainstorm with you on a picnic right?!

Magoo had her first dentist appointment this morning. I was anxious to begin with but I thought that since it would be just the two of us all would go well. And that was holding until Daddy came home from work last night.

A. No med form that I was supposed to have completed before I got to the office.
B. He was going to have to be at the office at 8 and the appointment was at 8:30. This means I’m taking all three with me. Anybody else’s blood pressure rising just thinking about it?

My hair voluntarily fell out in clumps to spare me the pain and energy it would have required to pull it out.

So I started preparing last night. Do Mo’s hair right out of the tub so I don’t have to do it in the morning. Pack Daddy’s lunch tonight so I don’t have to pack it in the morning. Prep the coffee tonight so I can just flip a switch in the morning. Have a mental picture of all the clothes that everyone is going to wear so that I can just grab them and go. Pack juice cups and tuck them in the fridge. Bag up animal crackers and drop them in the diaper bag. Make sure we have the school form for the dentist to sign.

You would have thought I was taking an all day trip to the zoo not a 2 hour trip WITH the zoo.

Going out the door this morning everyone got to grab one quiet toy to go with the extra books Mom grabbed for entertainment. I left with plenty of time (since now I have to try to fill out a medical form with 3 dancing children around). I even wore my khaki green shorts because I just knew I was headed into war!

And it went off without a hitch! Mo was a trooper and was cooperative the whole time. The hygienist and the doctor were incredibly impressed with her. {We’ll see if they keep that opinion when we start fixing all the work they found!} Tuck and Munch played and watched the fish without incident. They got a little cranky right before we left but they were easily bribed with animal crackers. I even gave a bag away to another mom who forgot hers.

Now imagine if I hadn’t been that prepared? Oh yeah!! Then you KNOW that things would have gotten ugly in a hurry. But instead of the end of the world (or at least my children) I got a small hurricane.

And get this! I wasn’t even a Girl Scout!!

Mom Tip #32

Pregnancy brain is just training for Mom brain.

Remember pregnancy brain? Of course you don’t! You’ve already moved to Mom brain.

You would be sitting on the couch staring at your belly and suddenly you would think of something you needed to do. Let’s say, plug in your cell phone and the charger is in the kitchen. As you walk to the kitchen a cute baby commercial suddenly comes on TV and since you are pregnant you automatically stop and watch. 60 seconds later you walk into the kitchen (with cell phone in hand, mind you!) and you have no idea why you were there. Oh well. As long as you are in the kitchen you grab 2 slices of pepper jack cheese, a glass of chocolate milk (the baby need the calcium!), the bag of pretzels from the top of the fridge and the caramel apple dip. On your way back to the couch, you wonder what it was that you were getting up to do. Oh well. You’ll take care of it when you remember. It couldn't have been too important.

Then there’s Mom brain. You sat down after dinner for a quick sitcom before you tackle the task of cleaning up the kitchen and packing tomorrow’s lunches. As your sitcom wraps up you get up to head to the kitchen. On the way there the nudist shows up looking for a bedtime snack and drink. The older child starts making fun of the nudist for being well, naked. A naked fight isn’t what you are looking for right now so you make a deal. If the nudist will go get jammies back on, you will get everyone a snack. Now that you have restored peace you take a deep breath and….WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!?!

The smallest member of your tribe looks up at you with a huge grin and big shiny eyes. “Mum, Mum! Ahh tink tink!” No kidding!! Off to the nursery you go for the sake of anyone who still has a nasal lining. Of course the diaper pail is full so you tuck the wee one into bed and head for the garbage can in the garage. Then it’s back to the kitchen. You know you’re supposed to be doing something in here but can’t for the life of you remember what. So you grab a chocolate bar – if you knew how to hook up a chocolate IV you would – a glass of sweet tea and you head back to the couch. This time though you don’t wonder what you were getting up to do.

You’re too tired to care.

Mom Tip #31

You are a Master of Marketing.

There isn’t a salesman in the world who can sell a more diverse selection of products. And not just products but ideas too. You can sell it all!

Molly loves the sugary snacks of course and has entered the “green vegetables are evil incarnate” phase of life. Daddy got in touch with his inner politician and started a smear campaign against the sugars. “Look at this Mo! (as he lifted his shirt) Do you know what happened here?” She of course had no idea what had happened there. “This is what happens when you eat too much sugar and sugary stuff. You get a big hairy belly!” Periodically he’ll “check” her belly for new hairs. With the smear campaign in full swing it was time to launch alternative marketing.

“Hey Mo! Did you know that green vegetables make those sugary belly hairs go away?” Sold! To the fastest green bean eater! And about green beans – they may be just green beans to the rest of the world but in this house they are (insert super hero music here) Super Beans!! They make you fast! They make you smart! They make you better than your little brother/big sister! You have to tailor to your audience sometimes.

Munch is in the “strap a diaper on a greased eel” phase. As soon as she even thinks I’m lying her down on the changing table the squirming, flailing, and squealing mechanisms are activated and the race is on. How do you sell diapering to a 16 mo old? “Hey Munch! As soon as we get this diaper on you can put your shoes on!” I don’t know people! It works for her. If shoes are involved this child will do anything faster than greased lightning.

Now if I just had the magic bullet for Tuck and his potty training I would promote myself from Master to Ph. D.

Mom Tip #24

Sometimes you have to use kid logic to figure life out.

I have trained my children to scrape their plates into the trash and put them in the kitchen sink when they are done with a meal. Yesterday the fish sticks were a little hot when I put them on the plates so Mo asked if she could put hers in the freezer for a minute to cool them down. Sure, no problem! The meal went on like normal and I went to the bedroom to fold some laundry.

When I came back to the kitchen to load the dishwasher Mo’s plate was nowhere to be found! I asked her about it and she assured me repeatedly that she had put it on the counter beside the sink. I searched every possible nook and cranny of our kitchen and couldn’t find the plate. Well, it’ll turn up or start stinking. Either way I’ll find it.

About an hour later I was dealing out some fruit for dessert and I casually asked Tuck if he had seen Mo’s plate.

“Well, sure Mom! It’s in the fidge-ator!” and he opened the freezer door. There was Mo’s plate with 2 fish sticks and some almost frozen ketchup. Ummm, why son?

“Well if they were still hot she could come back and eat them later when they cooled down! See, Mom!” I was a complete and utter dingbat for not knowing it naturally.

Tuck cleans his plate at every meal. And by “cleans” I mean “licks it down to the paint!” So in his head the only possible reason she had left food on her plate – because who does that?! – was because it was still too hot; not because she was full. It made perfect sense that the plate was in the freezer.

This has cleared up so many things for me. Of course the dog leash should be under the couch because that’s where the dog also stores his ball, collar, and the cover for the dog door. Of course Daddy’s good shoes should be out on the deck in a rainstorm because they’re going to get wet when he goes to work anyway right? And why shouldn’t the baby have a pull up on her head? She’s the next one to potty train. She should keep that where she’ll be able to find it!

Life makes so much more sense when kid logic is applied.