86 Degrees and Sunny at Zoo Suburbia!

I will never get over the wonderment of raising a boy. I only have my one sister and never had the experience of living with a boy until I was about to marry him. This is a trip!

Our neighbors finally got to close the sale on their house this week (very sad day for me) so they had moving trucks and storage pods coming and going Wednesday as they packed up the last of their furniture. This of course creates an infinite parade of incredible vehicles for the obsessed Rhino to gaze at, drool over, and perpetually describe in great play by play detail.

In an effort to get a break from it all, I did the daily swimsuit and sunscreen drill an hour early and trekked everyone to the pool. We managed to stay two hours before he decided it was time to go check on the progress. Imagine his delight when we came around the corner and all the trucks were still there. Oh Happy Day!!

I practically had to drag him into the house and up the stairs to get his swim trunks off. "Please put your swim clothes in the washer and get your play clothes back on." I made sure I got him into his room and at least reaching for his dry clothes. I thought he was good to go so I ran to my room and changed.

As I passed his room on the way to the washer, I realized that he was no where to be found. But his blinds were moving. "Hey! What are you doing?"

He popped out from behind the blind on his floor to ceiling length window still completely, entirely, totally, without a stitch, butt naked. He had been standing in the middle of the window "sunning" the neighborhood while 4 movers, 2 truck drivers, and our neighbors had been marching up and down the driveway right next door.

Two choices came to mind about now. Fall through the floor in humiliation or laugh myself silly and pray that no one payed any mind to the four year old in the window!

I guess I should be grateful that the Orangutan hadn't done the same thing in the other window with him!

Mom Tip #36

Read every book written on parenting but you’ll still be surprised.

Go to any Barnes and Noble and you can find a whole line up of books about pregnancy, parenting and child psychology. Go ahead and spend a fortune and then countless hours reading them. You’re still going to have days that make your jaw drop.

Daddy was helping Tuck get ready for church this morning and they were making one of the last passes by the bathroom before we walked out the door. I don’t know what inspired it but Tuck told Daddy what he’s been telling me all week.

“I don’t want Mo anymore.”
You don’t? Well what do you think we should do with her?
“I don’t know but I don’t want her!”
Well, should we ship her off somewhere? Mail her to someone?
“Yeah!!” He reached into his pocket and pulled out an imaginary letter which he proceeded to unroll like a scroll. “Dear Mo, Go Away!”

You can’t prepare for that.

This evening (as if one off the wall surprise a day would ever be enough in the Zoo!), I did everyone’s baths and one by one they left the bathroom with towels on their heads. I know you all will be shocked and amazed when I tell you that the Nudist and his Apprentice took this as an engraved invitation to stay au natural.

Mo took a separate shower after the other two so when she got out of the tub with her towel she headed for her room for her pajamas. I’m going about my business rinsing out the tub and restoring order when she comes flying (her towel as a cape of course) into the bathroom.

“Mom!! I just found poop in the middle of our bedroom floor!”

You can’t prepare for that.

Off to the bedroom to clean up the poop. Nudist is hiding in the closet and Apprentice is dancing in the hallway. Who would you think was the culprit? Nudist of course and he claimed the handiwork to avoid interrogation and punishment. Fine. I clean it up and pass out pajamas. No more naked butts!

On my way back out the hallway I scoop up Apprentice and carry her out to get her dressed. As I flip her up to diaper her I make a horrible discovery. She was the culprit. Please don’t ask me how I came to this discovery. It’s just not pretty.

You can’t prepare for that.

A letter to the Zoo

Dear Zoo,

I would like to take a moment to address a small issue. There are some big changes coming our way and if yesterday was any indication, these changes will not go smoothly.

Large Male Lion, if you continue to insist that your hunting is more important than my zoo keeping you may find yourself as hunter and zookeeper. Please understand that this would mean all cleaning, feeding and grooming would become your responsibility on top of your already demanding hunting. May I suggest that you stick to your hunting and at least offer to help with the zoo keeping to prevent my resignation.

To my Orangutan. I understand that you are delighted about your upcoming tour. Please keep your celebratory climbing and other antics to a low din. Your recent burst of enthusiasm has created quite a stir with Rhino and Marmoset and has led to very loud and precarious situations in which exhibits are damaged.

::sigh:: S.M. Rhino. There are so many issues that I would like to cover with you but perhaps I should address the most detrimental behaviors. It would be a tremendous help to me if you would refrain from any more public exhibitionism. Marmoset has started to follow your lead and she is very challenging to re groom. She has also taken up your hobby of streaking which is really just embarrassing to all the residents.

I would also like to request that you curtail your very vocal demands for refreshments. The high pitched squeals and loud roars (especially when in a confined space) are beginning to cause your zookeeper physical pain which we all agree never leads to a happy zoo.

And finally Marmoset. The zoo has operating hours for a reason. When the zoo is closed it allows me (your zookeeper) to rest and prepare for our next day. Your recent desire to open the zoo around the clock is simply not feasible. I should also point out that you are the ONLY resident who would like to be open 24 hours. Even your security guard gets testy when the zoo is not closed for an adequate period.

I sincerely hope that all of you will take my suggestions and directives to heart. It is not my desire to resign from the zoo. However, if we have another day like yesterday I will be left with no choice but to take a leave of absence until further notice.

Thank you and have a lovely weekend!
The Zookeeper

Mom Tip #30

There is a nudist in every family.

I really hate to be the one to break this news. But there is!

The nudist is the child who hears the word bath and his clothes vaporize. He doesn’t beeline for the tub though. All he really wanted was a reason. Now he will begin to wildly sprint laps around the house waving his arms above his head shouting a combination of “You can’t catch me!” and “I’m FREEEEEEE!”

The nudist child is the one who you sent to the bathroom and when you went to check on the progress all you found was a set of clothes on the floor. Child is now MIA. When you finally find him after a neighborhood search he will scream like Death is after him when you suggest he put clothes back on.

The nudist is the child who will suddenly, randomly (and usually in front of dinner guests) walk up to you – naked of course – and ask for a snack and a drink. Nudist Child finds it perfectly acceptable to be himself regardless of who might be in the house.

May I make a suggestion? Don’t ask why. I did once and the answer I got was so matter of fact and obvious that I was left speechless for an hour.

Son, why won’t you keep your clothes on?!

“You don’t make the dog wear clothes!”

I guess if the dog’s naked, we should all be naked!