The Chief, The Sarge, and The Rookie

**There are some great pictures that are supposed to go with this post.  Unfortunately DinoComp won't let Blogger have them and I don't have the patience to force the issue right now.  When the Speed Demon gets back I'll put the pics in.  Until then...use your imagination, please.**

In case you missed it over at The Bowl, we were looking at adopting a new dog to add to the Zoo security force.  Then the owners decided that they didn't need to give it up after all.  And then Lion's phone chirped at 9:45 Thursday night.

"Hey, were you still thinking about the dog?"
"Absolutely!" I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head.  And I thought I was going to barf.
"I'll know for certain in the morning but we'll talk."

9:45 Friday  morning.  I was paying Zoo invoices and getting my brain together for OAT, RAT shopping when my phone rang.  "He's OURS!!"  Yay...Don't get me wrong.  I love dogs.  Security Chief Max has been with me for 10 years.  We've seen some good days and some rough days together.  He knew I was in labor before I did.  He's faithful, sweet, and adores the children.  But he's a small dog.  And this is, and always has been, HIS house.

Then you have The Sarge, Bentley.  He's the neighbor's 80 pound chocolate lab who spends a lot of time at our house when Neighbor has to work till all hours of the morning.  He thinks he's mine.  He will attack his own owner if he tries to yell or mess with me.  And he'll growl at me if he thinks I'm being too rough with the kids when we wrestle. 

(You HAVE noticed that they are both males, right?)

And now (as of 9:45 Friday night) we have The Rookie.  And when I say Rookie I mean, puppy brain.  This dog is house broken and that's about it.  His (yes, a third male dog!) name was Max too but we are trying to change it to Walter.  Walter is not terribly bright.  And he's a black standard poodle.  With a mohawk.  And a paw and crossbones collar.  And a barking habit.  He's a sweet dog and very cuddly.

But he barks a menacing bark at every sound and to tell you he wants to play.  He wants to play with The Chief a lot.  He wanted to play with The Chief at 1 AM.  The Chief wanted nothing to do with him so he barked back which The Rookie took to mean that we were going to talk about playing all night.  Like two kids having a sleepover planning the next day.

At 1 AM.

I do believe my time today will be spent researching some new acadamies that Walter the Rookie and I can attend together this fall.  Or buying several bedtime muzzles.

Another Economic Cutback.

I'm sure it comes as no surprise when I tell you that The Zoo has been impacted by the recent upheaval in the economy. So we've been doing what all of America has been doing - looking for ways to cut back in our spending. We'll today we went for the gold.

The Zookeeper took a few hours this afternoon to decompress and ended up buying a set of hair clippers complete with scissors, guards, combs and an instruction booklet. That's right Zoobies! The Rhino was in need of a haircut and while the $18 dollars I spent on the clippers would have covered the haircut at Snip-it's I was approaching this like an investment. If I was investing in entertainment, aggravation, and disaster, my return has been the best ever.

Let's talk entertainment. L.M. Lion was fancying himself a barber today so he put Rhino on one of the bistro chairs and got down to business. Surprisingly the back of the neck and the beginning stages went fairly well. But then it was time to head for the ears.

"Bud! You can't put your hands there!"
"Buddy! I have to be able to see your ears if I'm not going to cut them off."
"No! I didn't mean I was going to cut your ears off. I just don't want to cut you."
"I did NOT cut you!"
"Be still; I'm almost done."

"Well, crap. I messed that up, didn't I?"

It's not the Rhino's best haircut ever but he's a cute kid so he can carry it off. Let's just say that I think I might take a swing at the next haircut - it should be due right AFTER Easter.

Then (in mid-cleanup)..."If we can skip taking Rhino to the salon, do you think we could do the dog too?!" There was a little too much enthusiasm in that question and the next thing I knew the dog was in the hot seat. At least it was a much quieter encounter, but it WAS a two man job.

That's not snow on my sweatshirt and sweatpants.

The economics work out pretty well if we can master the technique. Clippers? $18. Haircut at salon for Rhino? $18 + tip. Grooming for Security Dog? $40 + tip.

Providing the Zookeeper with this much blog fodder? Priceless!

Someday I'll be on the Other End.

One of these days I am going to be on my sister's end of the phone during one of these conversations. (She's in red.)

Ouch! Ouch, ouch ouch!! No you can't have another snack! Ouch! You just ate an entire bag of marshmallows and washed it down with another blue cupcake.

Ummm, ok?

I hate wearing shoes. I just tripped coming up the stairs and jammed my wrist trying to get your call. And now I've stepped in dog poo. Has anyone seen my camera? But considering the poo I'm glad I have shoes on right now.

(beginning of giggles)

Please don't touch that! At least until I get a picture. And watch out for dog poo! So how was your day? Oh and yes I did get the e-mail but I think that question might be left over from lunch. And knowing me I already anwered it. I said LOOK OUT FOR THE POOP! Don't eat that!

(hysterical laughter) Yes you answered the question. (followed by more hysterical laughter)

And now I think I know your answer to my humor hunting at The Bowl. When you are looking for laughter you pretty much just call me, right? By the way, I didn't even have pants on this morning when I got your first e-mail about the inside out pants but I'm pretty sure my bra might be on backwards so that makes for about the same day.

Why do you have your brother's shoes on? I can't believe more people didn't know this was a daffodil! Please don't stomp the flowers.

Have I told you that you make my life seem normal?

Don't rub it in!

Love you!

Love you too. WATCH OUT FOR THE...I gotta go.

(hysterical laught.. "click")

Am I completely nuts?!

Neighbor is out of town this weekend. Neighbor has a 80 lb chocolate lab. Bentley didn't go out of town with Daddy. I've taken him into the Zoo. Did I mention that I am on cough syrup with codeine? Did I mention that Daddy has to go in to work early tomorrow and will be there late tomorrow night?

So the Zoo now has 1 Large Male Lion, 1 Orangutan, 1 S.M. Rhino, 1 P. Marmoset, 1 small security dog (Jack Russell terrier) and 1 large security dog (chocolate lab). Marmoset thinks Large Security Guard should double as a horse. S.M. Rhino thinks he makes a great pillow. Small Security Dog is incredibly jealous and has been sulking all night.

What have I done?

Mom Tip #13

Another trip back to the archives friends.

When planning a major project, allow enough time to do it twice - especially if your children are helping.

I think you can probably guess where I am headed with this.

See, I just built a flower bed in my backyard and planted about 40 flower bulbs in it. In the spring it should be a delightful burst of purple, white, yellow, red, pink, and blue. The flowers should bloom in sequence; crocuses, daffodils, tulips, irises, and a few other cute little frilly flowers in between. They should be in neat little rows so that one is sprouting as one fades away.

That is if the boy and the dog didn't get all the way down to them.

I'm sorry. Did I forget to mention that I had help planting my flower bed? Did I also forget to mention that in the middle of it Meghan decided to have a total meltdown forcing me to leave a shovel behind while I went inside to tend to her? Silly me! To think that something as interesting as a trowel would stay where I put it! And even sillier to think that the smell of turned over dirt was not a lure for two year old boys and their dog.

So after replanting my now indistinguishable bulbs we went to the nursery to get mulch to cover the flower bed to prevent another "re-landscaping." By the way, cypress mulch is also irresistible to young boys and dogs so make sure you have them on hand for the spreading (and re-gathering) when it is time.

Not only will you be interrupted during major projects but more than likely you will be re-doing your projects at least once before they reach finalization. Just a Mom Tip from me to you!

Another Mom Tip Mini

Kids make the best doctors!

Since Mo started school she has been bringing home her share of buggies. Thankfully the only person affected by these little gifts has been Mom. And this time she brought me a doozie!

I have the beginnings of bronchitis. Bad enough actually that Daddy-O found it necessary not only to take his day off but to also cancel his round of golf and call the doctor for me. Then he managed to wrangle 2 hours of full peace and quiet for me before Mo came home from school.

He went to pick Mo up from school and left me with The Boy and Munch. Munch found a thermometer from somewhere and decided to take my temp. In my ear. And Tuck knows that Max (our Jack Russel) always follows any sick family member all over the house. So if one dog is good, adding the 19 stuffed dogs in our house to my armchair would definitely have me on the path to recovery in no time!

With every coughing fit, Meghan tousled my hair and Tuck came by to check my breathing (ear to my chest). When they were convinced I was still breathing and ok they would resume playing until the next fit.

I don't really feel any better now than I did when I woke up this morning. But it sure did make me smile to have Dr. Tuck and Dr. Munch taking care of me.

A letter to the Zoo

Dear Zoo,

I would like to take a moment to address a small issue. There are some big changes coming our way and if yesterday was any indication, these changes will not go smoothly.

Large Male Lion, if you continue to insist that your hunting is more important than my zoo keeping you may find yourself as hunter and zookeeper. Please understand that this would mean all cleaning, feeding and grooming would become your responsibility on top of your already demanding hunting. May I suggest that you stick to your hunting and at least offer to help with the zoo keeping to prevent my resignation.

To my Orangutan. I understand that you are delighted about your upcoming tour. Please keep your celebratory climbing and other antics to a low din. Your recent burst of enthusiasm has created quite a stir with Rhino and Marmoset and has led to very loud and precarious situations in which exhibits are damaged.

::sigh:: S.M. Rhino. There are so many issues that I would like to cover with you but perhaps I should address the most detrimental behaviors. It would be a tremendous help to me if you would refrain from any more public exhibitionism. Marmoset has started to follow your lead and she is very challenging to re groom. She has also taken up your hobby of streaking which is really just embarrassing to all the residents.

I would also like to request that you curtail your very vocal demands for refreshments. The high pitched squeals and loud roars (especially when in a confined space) are beginning to cause your zookeeper physical pain which we all agree never leads to a happy zoo.

And finally Marmoset. The zoo has operating hours for a reason. When the zoo is closed it allows me (your zookeeper) to rest and prepare for our next day. Your recent desire to open the zoo around the clock is simply not feasible. I should also point out that you are the ONLY resident who would like to be open 24 hours. Even your security guard gets testy when the zoo is not closed for an adequate period.

I sincerely hope that all of you will take my suggestions and directives to heart. It is not my desire to resign from the zoo. However, if we have another day like yesterday I will be left with no choice but to take a leave of absence until further notice.

Thank you and have a lovely weekend!
The Zookeeper

Mom Tip #34

How to decide if you want more children.

My beloved works outside of the home about 12-14 hours a day. I don’t. I’m here. All day. Every day. 7 days a week. I am here.

He keeps asking me for another baby. I keep laughing in his face!

If you are trying to decide if you should have another child, I suggest that you go through the Mom Tip Decision Maker.

Step 1 Give your children 2 peanut butter sandwiches and a bag of M&M’s. Allow them to eat until they are full. Then top them off with 2 gallons each of red koolaid.

Step 2 Call the children’s best friends and invite their mothers to drop them off for anywhere from a couple of hours to a full day. The length of time should be proportional to how badly you want a baby. Really REALLY want a baby? Have a sleepover complete with ice cream.

Step 3 Get the dog a new toy that he really loves to play with and toss him into the playroom with the children.

Then you test. If you can keep the house clean, refrain from snatching yourself bald, avoid the call from your local home owners association for violating the noise standard, and keep the neighbors from calling Child Protective Services, WITHOUT DRINKING, you are cleared for another child.

You are fine with the child count but your beloved keeps asking for more? Easy Peasy! Repeat Step 1, turn off your cell phone and head to Barnes and Noble for 2 hours. Problem solved!

Mom Tip #27 - Cheap Entertainment

Believe it or not, good entertainment now comes pretty cheap.

Take this scene from last fall.

Ingredients:

1 72 gallon blue Rubbermaid tub
1 6 foot neon orange jump rope with wooden monkeys for handles
1 Red Radio Flyer tricycle
1 3 year old boy
1 4 year old girl; and just for good measure
1 very hyper Jack Russell Terrier.

Take all of the above and put them at the top of a hill. Insert boy in tub holding one end of the rope. Allow girl to tie the other end of the rope to the back of the tricycle. Place girl on tricycle which is backed up against the front of the tub. Pose dog in attack pose in front of tricycle. Let go and allow gravity to do its thing.

End result. Tricycle holding girl starts down the hill at a rapidly increasing pace. Dog attempts to bite front tire and gets head run over by not one but 2 wheels. Tricycle comes to the end of the jump rope and jerks boy out of the tub which was apparently lodged against a rock during loading to prevent premature motion. Said rock was not moved before launch. As boy slams into the pile of leaves in front of the tub (safety first you know!), jump rope is torn from his hands. Bright orange wooden monkey is now carving a glorious arc through the crisp fall sky toward the bullseye on the back of girl’s head. As monkey makes contact girl remembers that tricycle does not have brakes and slams into deck railing.

You may ask yourself “Where’s the entertainment in that?”

They all jumped up and said “Let’s do THAT again!!”