I Blame the Fever!

I actually had a brief moment today when I almost called Lion and said, "If our house was one room bigger I would consider having another baby."

I told you I had The Crud!!

I was driving with Marmie and her pal who hangs out with us every month, to snag the big exhibits from O/R.A.T. and something about driving past the golf course made me think that I wasn't insane enough. It was a good morning and the girls had taken a two hour nap so maybe it was a set up.

Then we got the touring exhibits in the livestock trailer and my fever broke. Orangutan was talking a mile a minute. Rhino was pouting about something. Marmie was scolding Spare and Spare was reminding me for the 9,427,836th time that her handler was coming to get her and was bringing chocolate milk when he did. It was chaos on a stick.

Then we got home and Orangutan had homework. The two little ones had to make potty rounds. Rhino had a temper tantrum because he wanted to play with playdough and couldn't until O finished homework and I was trying to put dinner together. Did I mention that Security decided he needed to go outside and bark at every squirrel, hickory nut, and bothersome leaf for 45 minutes?

I was in mid chop on a pepper when I started to laugh uncontrollably. For a brief little moment I actually thought a fourth child would be a nice addition. How soon we mothers forget spit up, midnight feedings, teething, blow outs, projectile peas, and baby proofing for a crawler. And that's even after the hearburn, feet in the ribs, pogo jumping on the bladder and tree trunk cankles of pregnancy.

So my fever has broken. I am still resolutely set against adding a fourth. Until the drugs wear off anyway...

The Rookies vs. The Veterans

Parenting like every competitive sport has it's rookies and veterans. What? Parenting isn't a competitive sport? You must be a rookie!


A friend from college recently had his first child and I've been following the adventure on Facebook. It's very hard not to chuckle at every status update but because I like him and he's a good friend I have not mocked him in his new fatherhood. Yet.


"Babies smell so good!"
Wait until you start solids dude! Nothing yummy about that.


"I don't want to go back to work."
I give that 2 years if you don't immediately have another; 18 months if you do.


It's fun to watch new parents. Every coo gets a picture. Every bag of diaper trash becomes a baby book entry. First trips anywhere are documented with glee and delight. And before anyone jumps on me about it, I did it. I made a fool of myself just like every other new parent and therefore I am making fun of myself too! Get over it.


Then your second child comes along and you still take fun pictures because now it's the first time X and Y did Z together. But the glow is a little fainter because now you are trying to get two children to keep their shoes on while buckling four arms into carseats and packing two sippy cups and snacks and heaven only knows what else.


You can spot the mom of 3 or more from a mile away. She looks completely at peace. She smiles at everything and she maintains a calm and easy exterior. You know why?



She has surrendered to the enemy. Waved her white flag. Tossed in her towel. Bowed out. Given up and given in. She knows that if everyone makes it through the day with nothing more major than a scrape and 4 bandaids she has won. She never worries about people coming over and seeing a mess because people don't come over. They're too scared of the duct tape. She doesn't bother with her appearance because she knows that somewhere on her personage there is poo, spit, snot, vomit or jelly and if there isn't there will be soon.


The rookie is constantly seeking the approval of others and taking too much advice from too many well meaning people who may or may not have children of their own.


The veteran has perfected smile and nod. She will smile and nod and pretend to listen to you and take it all in when in her head she is really saying, "Your turn is coming. They will break you too."


And before the debate starts about parenting being a competetive sport let me say this. Your way is the best way. It always is. Moms who nurse are superior to moms who don't and vice versa. Moms with slings are cooler than moms with strollers and vice versa. Moms who don't vaccinate are infinitely wiser than moms who vaccinate and vice versa. See! Told you it was a competitive sport. Rookies get caught up in those debates and get tweaked about them. Veterans look at their children and say, "Nobody's dead yet, so I'm ok."


I really should run. There should be a Facebook update for me to laugh at soon. Bless their little family Lord! And Congrats again Joe!

Mom Tip #34

How to decide if you want more children.

My beloved works outside of the home about 12-14 hours a day. I don’t. I’m here. All day. Every day. 7 days a week. I am here.

He keeps asking me for another baby. I keep laughing in his face!

If you are trying to decide if you should have another child, I suggest that you go through the Mom Tip Decision Maker.

Step 1 Give your children 2 peanut butter sandwiches and a bag of M&M’s. Allow them to eat until they are full. Then top them off with 2 gallons each of red koolaid.

Step 2 Call the children’s best friends and invite their mothers to drop them off for anywhere from a couple of hours to a full day. The length of time should be proportional to how badly you want a baby. Really REALLY want a baby? Have a sleepover complete with ice cream.

Step 3 Get the dog a new toy that he really loves to play with and toss him into the playroom with the children.

Then you test. If you can keep the house clean, refrain from snatching yourself bald, avoid the call from your local home owners association for violating the noise standard, and keep the neighbors from calling Child Protective Services, WITHOUT DRINKING, you are cleared for another child.

You are fine with the child count but your beloved keeps asking for more? Easy Peasy! Repeat Step 1, turn off your cell phone and head to Barnes and Noble for 2 hours. Problem solved!