How to Spell Drama!

M-A-R-M-O-S-E-T.

45 minutes and still going strong.  And now she's poked herself in the eye.  Great day in the mornin'!

It started right after lunch.  She and Orangutan were playing dog catcher while Lady and the Tramp played in the background (just so you know it wasn't a TOTALLY random game).  Apparently the Dog Catcher (aka Orangutan) caught the dog (aka Marmie) and proceeded to drag her across the living room floor.  Her dress of course slid right on up over that bare belly and we were presented with the perfect form for righteous rug burn.

Four quarter to half dollar sized rug burns are glowing on her belly right now. Well, they would be if she would let me take off the cool compress.  But we can't move the washcloth and we had to put a Dora band aid on her belly (nowhere close to the burns mind you) but we are still miserable.  So miserable in fact that we have to rub our eyes OUT of our head apparently.

Never mind the fact that a nap is in desperate need right now.  And we missed the movie because we were dealing with the "belly on fire."  So very pitiful.  She even had to call the Grand Keeper (Grammy) and ask her to come to our house to kiss her belly "'cause it weeeelllly huurts!"  It was left as a message of course because Grand Keeper is getting ready for vacation but that will only add to the drama because now the message can be saved and replayed for the Great Silverback who will of course call and moon over his precious little Marmie.

Did we mention that she's headed for Hollywood?

Are you Tired of Being Tangled Yet?

Because I know you all did exactly what I asked and crossed everything this morning so that you looked a little like this...

Looks painful doesn't it? Like Gumby and Smurfette had a little one. Kinda freaky really. Those chicks on the bottom really got a bum rap. What am I supposed to be talking about? Because I'm pretty sure it's not Gumby.

Oh yeah! You want to know if Rhino got pulled in the lottery! I called the school and Ms. Debbie the secretary answered the phone. I gave her my name and told her that I wanted to check the PreK list. She asked me to hold and then immediately said, "Oh wait! You're Tucker's mom?"

Deep breath before I said yes. Holding for a split second before she answered with...

Tension's killing you isn't it? It's this little thing I'm working on called plot development. You're supposed to create tense situations that keep your readers craving the answer to the conflict. Is it working?

"Sure, he's in! I hope we made your weekend!"

Are you kidding me? It took me a full 20 minutes to stop dancing long enough to realize that I was supposed to be on my way to pick O up.

So YES! We are in! Thank the Lord because with this week's track record, if I had to make two school stops on the way in the morning we would be late every single day of the year.

At first he wasn't thrilled because he thought O would be mad that he was going to school with her. O assured him that she was really excited because she would be able to look out for him and maybe she would get to see him in the cafeteria at lunch and she would make sure he found me in the car rider line. You know, take care of all that really important stuff. Now he feels better and he is ready to start getting ready for school.

The question now is how am I going to feel in August when it all really happens?

Wordless Wednesday

This is a little over a year old but it's one of my faves.

The Zookeeper Goes Seussical

{For those that are part of my CafeMom world - sorry it needed to make the trip over here!}

This is not good. This is not right.

The children have gone to bed for the night.

It's way to early for this state.

Maybe someone can relate.

All day the battles raged and roared.

Zoom went the toys and slam went the door.

Best of friends they used to be.

What has changed I cannot see!

"But it's MY turn!" she hollered out.

"No, it's NOT." I heard him shout.

"No, No! Mum, Mum!" the baby chimed.

As the dog stared at me and whined.

And then the crying with a high pitched screech

She didn't make it out of his reach.

Teapot to the head, a hand full of hair

I'll never take them anywhere!

But tomorrow morn the sun will rise

My little terrors will open eyes

"It's church day!" she'll beam and spring from bed

"Mornin' Mom!" from my little tow head.

"Hi Mum Mum!" the babe will say.

And so we'll start a brand new day.

"Dear Lord," I pray with all my heart

"Please don't let more rukus start!"

"My head of glass no more can bear

The clawing, scratching and pulling hair.

Wash my home with peace and love

Or I'll be forced to send them to you above!!"

Mom Tip #39

Supervise your child’s education.

And you may say, “Well, DUH!!” But I’m not talking about your child’s formal education. No, not the great halls of learning. Yes, you should supervise that but since when have you known this mom to be talking about the mainstream version of things?

No, I’m talking about the things one child learns from another – namely what the younger sibling learns from the older.

As is our standard operating procedure here at Zoo Suburbia, I made the kids dinner and set them up at their table in the kitchen. Then I left them to enjoy their meal in peace and harmony (ok. Now I’m laughing at myself!). They thought I had gone downstairs apparently because I came out of the bedroom where I had been folding laundry to hear the following conversation.

T: But I don yike dis stuff (referencing the sauce I had put on his spaghetti).

Big M: It’s okay Tuck. Just do what I do. Eat what you want and then throw your plate at the hole in the sink. The yucky stuff will go down the hole and Mom will never know.

T: Good idea Mo! Thanks!

Big M: Sure! It’s what I always do with my peas!

Please note that “the hole” is the garbage disposal. I’ve been wondering why I’ve been hearing 4 or 5 plates hit the sink every night when they are done with dinner – there’s only 3 of them and Munch isn’t clearing her own plate yet. That leaves 2 plates to make 5 noises? After hearing the above conversation I put it together.

Mo is tall enough now to see into the sink. If her “undesirables” don’t go down the disposal the first time she pulls the old “try, try again!” And now The Boy has picked up the tip so if she reports that his “undesirables” haven’t hit their mark he has her pull his plate back out so he can “try, try again.”

Looks like I’ll be eating a lot of chicken nuggets and corn dogs while I’m on pea patrol from now on.

Mom Tip #36

Read every book written on parenting but you’ll still be surprised.

Go to any Barnes and Noble and you can find a whole line up of books about pregnancy, parenting and child psychology. Go ahead and spend a fortune and then countless hours reading them. You’re still going to have days that make your jaw drop.

Daddy was helping Tuck get ready for church this morning and they were making one of the last passes by the bathroom before we walked out the door. I don’t know what inspired it but Tuck told Daddy what he’s been telling me all week.

“I don’t want Mo anymore.”
You don’t? Well what do you think we should do with her?
“I don’t know but I don’t want her!”
Well, should we ship her off somewhere? Mail her to someone?
“Yeah!!” He reached into his pocket and pulled out an imaginary letter which he proceeded to unroll like a scroll. “Dear Mo, Go Away!”

You can’t prepare for that.

This evening (as if one off the wall surprise a day would ever be enough in the Zoo!), I did everyone’s baths and one by one they left the bathroom with towels on their heads. I know you all will be shocked and amazed when I tell you that the Nudist and his Apprentice took this as an engraved invitation to stay au natural.

Mo took a separate shower after the other two so when she got out of the tub with her towel she headed for her room for her pajamas. I’m going about my business rinsing out the tub and restoring order when she comes flying (her towel as a cape of course) into the bathroom.

“Mom!! I just found poop in the middle of our bedroom floor!”

You can’t prepare for that.

Off to the bedroom to clean up the poop. Nudist is hiding in the closet and Apprentice is dancing in the hallway. Who would you think was the culprit? Nudist of course and he claimed the handiwork to avoid interrogation and punishment. Fine. I clean it up and pass out pajamas. No more naked butts!

On my way back out the hallway I scoop up Apprentice and carry her out to get her dressed. As I flip her up to diaper her I make a horrible discovery. She was the culprit. Please don’t ask me how I came to this discovery. It’s just not pretty.

You can’t prepare for that.

A letter from the Zookeeper

Dear Frequent Visitors,

As you may have gathered from my recent communications with Marmoset, there are some changes afoot at the Zoo. Orangutan is on her way to O.A.T (Orangutan Academic Training) and will become a touring exhibit beginning next week. Due to this adjustment at the Zoo, there may be a period of erratic communication. We apologize in advance for any inconvenience this may cause but assure you whole heartedly that as soon as the new hours are well established we will be back to full operation.

Orangutan's O.A.T will lead to significantly increased time in our livestock trailer so you may also rest assured that many more letters and tips from the Mom who shares this page are sure to arise. It will be interesting to observe Lion's behavior during this transistion as he can be a very demanding Zoo resident.

Thank you for your dedication to our Zoo. Without visitors like you, we really just talk to the walls. (And the toucans next door don't really like that!)

Sincerely,
The Zookeeper

The Zookeeper's Response

Dear S.M. Rhino,

I understand your frustration with the seemingly useless behavior of Orangutan and Marmoset. Unfortunately Orangutan is correct; they will never leave the zoo. While they may leave the confines of the front gate, their hearts will always be a part of the zoo. And regardless of hunt status and food procurement skills the lion and zookeeper will always be present as well.

I would advise you to make the most of your current living arrangements by learning climbing skills from Orangutan and teaching your dirt construction skills to Marmoset. In moments of extreme frustration may I suggest that you abstain from your headbutting as your horn and very sound skull can inflict pain to others.

Thank you for understanding that the current exhibits are permanent and new or replacement exhibits are not planned.

Sincerely,
The Zookeeper

A Note from the Zoo

{The small male rhino actually.}

Dear Zookeeper,

I would like to express my dissatisfaction with my personal living arrangements. I no longer wish to have the female orangutan or the pygmy marmoset as part of the zoo. I would like them to be removed immediately.

I will keep you in the zoo for food procurement purposes and the male lion may stay as long as he is going on the hunt daily. However since I have no use for Orangutan and Marmoset, they may leave immediately.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Sincerely,

S.M. Rhino

{Zoo keeper's Note: I received this correspondence on the way home from the grocery store. The Orangutan's response: "Too bad Charlie! You're stuck with me!" The Marmoset's response: "Bub Bub Tuck!"}