Dear Zoo, The Flu is NOT a Spectator Sport.

I understand that Mom never REALLY gets sick. I know that it is a law of nature that no matter how sick we think we are we really must press on. It would be a lot easier to press on if you would all follow the guidelines outlined below. This is simply for future reference.

#1. When the Zookeeper is occupied with vacating the contents of her stomach is it unnecessary to stand over her and talk to her or mimic her sound effects. This is for you Marmoset. It is not helpful to ask the Zookeeper a million questions about "waddya doin" or copy the sounds I am making. It really just makes me feel a little worse.

#2. Screeches are completely unnecessary when the Zookeeper's head is on the verge of explosion. They really just make the fissures in her skull open a little more. The intensification of the skull pounding only amplifies the nausea and therefore leads to more sound effects which we have all established we are not in favor of.

And #3. While I appreciate that my life status was in question for the better part of the day yesterday, the giggling while you poked me with a stick was really uncalled for. The poking was not completely necessary but at one point I appreciated it because it let me know I was still alive. The giggling was a little too much though.

These are just a few thoughts should your Zookeeper ever fall victim again. Thank you for your attention to this matter. I look forward to being back on my feet in the next 24 to 48 hours and back in your service.

Sincerely,

The Zookeeper.

Mom Tip Mini

Think twice before adding last minute exhibits to your zoo.

I love my daughter. I love her friend. I love my son and I love his friend. Having a friend sandwich when you don't HAVE to is not a good idea. Yesterday I had Tuck's friend (because I keep him two days a week). But being the kind and generous person I am, I knew that the girls were out of school today for Election Day. I'll let Mo have an all day playdate!! That will be so nice of me!

Brrrnnnttt. And on top of that I took them all to the park where we met up with the other friends. That's right Zoo fans! I single handedly took four children to the park on an absolutely gorgeous no school day (it was PACKED!!) and met up with one other adult and three more children. Do you have a mental picture yet?

Two adults. One seven year old. Three five year olds. Two three year olds and an eighteen month old. Four children who decided to adopt my friend and I since their parents were too busy talking on their cell phones and about a dozen children who seemed insistent on giving us heart attacks by climbing up the outside of the twenty foot high climbing structure.

I'm exhausted. My nerves are shot. And I still have to mop my floor and make dinner. Did I mention that Tuck's friend comes back tomorrow?

I'm taking Thursday off.

Mom Tip #52

Plans are NEVER set in stone – even if you ARE the one who made them.

I think one of the biggest challenges of motherhood is being constantly and faithfully flexible while maintaining your sanity. You can plan a full day and an hour after announcing the plan, the whole smash is shot to pieces and you have to roll with it like the champ you are.

Take my day today. I got up this morning (after sleeping so fitfully on the couch with a teething baby all night) bright and early. The girls were cooperative while getting ready for church. The boys were still in bed but I had a brief conversation with L.M. Lion.

Me: So you are going to carve the pumpkins today, right?
Lion: Sure.Me: Would you pick up a newspaper when you go to get the carving kit while I’m at church? I want to check the sales before I go do the grocery shopping this afternoon.
Lion: I thought I was going to BJ’s (shopping club thing).
Me: When do you want to do that?
Lion: I’ll go tomorrow before I go to work.
Me: Awesome. But get a paper anyway because we need produce and some non-BJ’s stuff.

That settled the final plan was I go to church. I come home, drop off children and run to do grocery shopping while he has quality time with the zoo. I come home; he goes to watch football with his buddies. Then we have a nice family evening carving pumpkins at home.

I came home from church to two boys still in PJ’s, my kitchen trashed from pumpkin guts, no one has had breakfast and my paper has already been torn apart. But I am Mom. I can be flexible. So I scramble to restore order to the kitchen while stewing pumpkin, toasting seeds and making PB&J’s for lunch. I look up to see L.M. Lion in the kitchen door dressed to head to football. Huh? What about the grocery store? Take them with you. When they have been trying to kill each other all day? Not on your life! Well, you’ll work it out. Deep breath. I am Mom. I can be flexible.

Three hours later he comes home. You haven’t been to the grocery store yet? No. I was waiting for you to get home to watch the children. But I was going to go to BJ’s. I thought that was tomorrow morning! I decided to do it today. And you called to tell me when? Well, can you go so I can have the van? Not everything is going to fit in my car. I am Mom. I can be flexible. I grabbed Marmoset and out the door we went for a sprint through the grocery store.

I came home to no progress on the pumpkin front and L.M. Lion napping on the couch. Do I need to mention that BJ’s is happening tomorrow? Two of the three pumpkins got done and dinner was called on account of whiplash.

I am Mom. I can be flexible – just give me a little warning, would you?

The Zookeeper Goes Seussical

{For those that are part of my CafeMom world - sorry it needed to make the trip over here!}

This is not good. This is not right.

The children have gone to bed for the night.

It's way to early for this state.

Maybe someone can relate.

All day the battles raged and roared.

Zoom went the toys and slam went the door.

Best of friends they used to be.

What has changed I cannot see!

"But it's MY turn!" she hollered out.

"No, it's NOT." I heard him shout.

"No, No! Mum, Mum!" the baby chimed.

As the dog stared at me and whined.

And then the crying with a high pitched screech

She didn't make it out of his reach.

Teapot to the head, a hand full of hair

I'll never take them anywhere!

But tomorrow morn the sun will rise

My little terrors will open eyes

"It's church day!" she'll beam and spring from bed

"Mornin' Mom!" from my little tow head.

"Hi Mum Mum!" the babe will say.

And so we'll start a brand new day.

"Dear Lord," I pray with all my heart

"Please don't let more rukus start!"

"My head of glass no more can bear

The clawing, scratching and pulling hair.

Wash my home with peace and love

Or I'll be forced to send them to you above!!"

Mom Tip #37

Examine your child occasionally for new and “improved” features.

Apparently while everyone was asleep emergency triggers were installed in my children. They are sensitive to sleep levels and can go off at anytime anywhere.

Magoo’s first day of “big school” was yesterday. It was a very exciting time for everyone. We took great precautions to plan ahead and make sure we had everything we needed. We laid out clothes and packed lunches the night before. We set 2 alarm clocks to make sure everyone got up and Super Mom even planned a family breakfast of blueberry pancakes as a special treat.

Everything went off like clockwork. We got Mo to class, said our farewells and got back to the house just in time for Daddy to go to work. The two small people played together like best friends all day with only a small moratorium for Munch to nap around 9. After lunch it was time for a quick trip to the grocery store and gas station before we had to pick up Mo.

Then the sleep sensitive emergency triggers went off. I didn’t even know they existed. I’ve never seen them and in tonight’s bath I was unable to locate them. I sincerely pray that not only will I be able to locate them but also deactivate them IMMEDIATELY!!

These triggers tripped and Munch started the squeal from…well…you know. Simultaneously Tuck started hollering as loud as he could that his belly hurt and he was just positive if I didn’t get him home NOW the pain was going to make his head fall off. There I was sitting in the carpool line in my own little torture chamber. School was out at 2:20 but it took the longest 20 minutes in history to get the children together for departure.

Just when I thought my head was going to join Tuck’s, it all went stone silent. I pried my now numb fingers from the steering wheel and slowly cracked one eyelid in the general direction of the rearview mirror. There were two passed out cherubs in the backseat where just moments before were the minions of the Dark Lord himself. And what do you know, there’s Mrs. F bringing Mo down the sidewalk. The last thing I wanted to do was hit the button to open that automatic door and sure enough as soon as I did I saw eyelids flutter. As we pulled away from the curb, the triggers tripped a second time and this time Mo felt like she should shout over them to tell me about her day.

I know when I gave birth to these children I counted fingers, toes, ears, eyes – well, everything. I do not remember seeing a red button or a switch that said “Warning: This switch will be activated when sleep levels reach critically low levels leading to failure of volume controls and extreme temper tantrums.”

I don’t know who installed these triggers but it had to have been a male and when I find him he had better hope I don’t have a trigger of my own!