And School is Back in Session.

Duh, ZK. You've only been talking about it for two weeks. But now I know it for sure. Want to know why?

Because Lion is huddled under half the blankets in the house shaking like a leaf and I am sitting at the computer in full congested mode while our little angels sleep the wee hours away blissfully unaware that they are killing their parents in their sleep.

Ok, so maybe that last part was a little dramatic but you get my point. My little exhibits have gone out into the wide open world and brought back - The Crud. And since I have been in the Lysol haven I call my home all summer and Lion has been in his nice and tidy office all summer, we have no immunities built up to this.

Why aren't Orangutan and Rhino sick you ask? Well, Rhino is having a minor flare up with his asthma but it's nothing some well placed steroids can't fix. Yeah, Mrs. F is loving me right now. Take a kid who isn't off to the best behavior start of the school year and juice him up on roids so that he becomes a ricocheting eating machine and you are sure to win your teacher's heart.

I definitely need to take a second mortgage for her Christmas present this year.

And Orangutan. This child has the immune system of steel. I swear you could have put her in a public restaurant in Cancun over spring break and she would have come home two weeks later perfectly healthy and ready to rock. I attribute it to the three years of day care. She was exposed to everything and her little body sucked it all up, mutated the fool out of it and added it to the immunity arsenal.

But that leaves a shiny little question mark known as Marmie. She isn't showing the first sign of sniffling, restlessness, grouchies, or even a hint of a cough. How? She has had no exposure to community living like daycare. She sleeps in the same room as O. She usually forgets whether it's her cup or Rhino's. So how has she escaped The Crud? This is a wild mystery.

I guess it just means that it's time to renew our stock options in Tylenol and Kleenex, shoot up the saline drops and start the OJ IV's. It's going to be a long fall because next month ragweed season starts and it's party on for ye olde allergies.

One more thing before I go make some scalding tea for my Saharan throat. Do you know what the one constant will be in all the snotting and coughing? Mom will go on. Because we all know, once you become a mother "You Will Never be Sick Again!"

Sing with me!

Wash, wash, wash your hands.
Wash the germs away.
Rinse them neatly down the drain
And wash your cares away!

I think you're supposed to do that three times for optimal clean. Happy cold and flu season gang!

Dear L.M. Lion, Please remember that I love you.

As I hog tie you, gag you, and throw you in the truck of your own car for the next 12 hours.

I understand that you aren't feeling your best. I'm sorry that Orangutan and I shared our flu bug with you. I'm sorry the people who line up the daytime programming didn't take you into consideration when they were setting up today's line up. I know that they would have put on more shows that interest you if only they had known you were going to be home all. day. long.

Again, please remember that I love you dearly. But let's do a little review shall we? If I am in the kitchen taking dishes out of the dishwasher, chances are I'm cleaning out the dishwasher. The question, "Whatcha doin'?" might be a little uncecessary. Walking out to the livingroom, turning around and coming right back does not create the necessity to ask the question again when you get back oh say three seconds later.

Please don't ask me what you can do if you have no intention of giving my suggestion any thought. Folding laundry is not that strenuous and will keep you in close proximity to both the bathroom and the bed in the event you start to feel woozy or sick again.

I love you and I'm glad that you are feeling a little better than you were this morning. I hope you continue to recover quickly.

I'd hate to have to hurt you.

All my love and nursing,

The Zookeeper.

Dear Zoo, The Flu is NOT a Spectator Sport.

I understand that Mom never REALLY gets sick. I know that it is a law of nature that no matter how sick we think we are we really must press on. It would be a lot easier to press on if you would all follow the guidelines outlined below. This is simply for future reference.

#1. When the Zookeeper is occupied with vacating the contents of her stomach is it unnecessary to stand over her and talk to her or mimic her sound effects. This is for you Marmoset. It is not helpful to ask the Zookeeper a million questions about "waddya doin" or copy the sounds I am making. It really just makes me feel a little worse.

#2. Screeches are completely unnecessary when the Zookeeper's head is on the verge of explosion. They really just make the fissures in her skull open a little more. The intensification of the skull pounding only amplifies the nausea and therefore leads to more sound effects which we have all established we are not in favor of.

And #3. While I appreciate that my life status was in question for the better part of the day yesterday, the giggling while you poked me with a stick was really uncalled for. The poking was not completely necessary but at one point I appreciated it because it let me know I was still alive. The giggling was a little too much though.

These are just a few thoughts should your Zookeeper ever fall victim again. Thank you for your attention to this matter. I look forward to being back on my feet in the next 24 to 48 hours and back in your service.

Sincerely,

The Zookeeper.

A Letter to Rhino: About your Clothes...

Dear Rhino,

Good morning small, stubborn exhibit. I can see that we are about to have one of "those" days so I thought I would write you a little note instead of (wringing your scrawny neck) getting into a debate with you.

I apologize for not switching the laundry over to the dryer last night. That was an oversight on my part. Had I realized that the sweatshirt that matches those sweats had missed the load capacity cutoff, you may be assured that I would have been more attentive to making sure drying happened in a more timely fashion.

For the record, I really DO appreciate your keen fashion sense and desire to coordinate all your attire. It's wonderful that you are so image conscious and take pride in your appearance. It will get you far in life.

However. If you decide to throw yourself on the floor, kick, scream, wail, pound, bang, screech, and spin in circles like that over a shirt ever again, I assure you that you will spend the rest of your life naked. I'm fine with it. Sure it's 20 degrees outside and there is still some snow on the ground. Of course with the wind chill at 2 that could cause some issues for your exposed skin but it's your choice.

I have told you before but apparently it bears repeating. I do not negotiate with terrorists. Our dryer is fast and as you can tell from the fact that you are now wearing said matching sweatshirt, all things dry in time. Since I see no visible scars from putting on the T-shirt that matches the pants, I am pretty sure you are going to survive to tell your shrink about this one.

Now that we have the clothing issue out of the way, can we please have a better day? Your darling Orangutan shared her barfs with me and I am really not in any kind of mood to deal with your terrorism any more today.

With deepest love and thanks,

The Zookeeper

Mom Tip #22: You will NEVER be sick again.

I just saw a tweet from blogging buddy Tanya from Mommy Goggles which led me to a post on her page. Mommies aren't supposed to get sick! Now I knew I had written a Mom Tip about this but I wasn't sure if I had ever actually published it and after much searching I realized that you were all missing out. So here it is!

Mom Tip #22: You will never be sick again!

Isn’t that wonderful news?! Oh, I promise. You will still catch bugs and you will still FEEL like you’re sick. But you will never REALLY be sick ever again.

Allow me to illustrate. I have had a ridiculous, out of control, kill me now sinus infection for two weeks now. My eyes are being held in by my contacts; Kleenex and Tylenol have offered me stock options; and fish can hear more clearly than I can right now. But I’m not sick!

We were coming home from the grocery store a few nights ago and Molly asked me why I was so sad (she could see my reflection in the review mirror). I told her that I wasn’t sad; I was just sick and feeling really crummy.

"Well, when we’re sick you make us go to bed Mom so maybe you should take a nap!"

My mood improved immediately! Sure Mo! As soon as we get home.

Then the other shoe dropped. "I mean AFTER you make dinner and we get our baths and you make our popcorn and start our movie. THEN you can take a nap!"

And that’s how it works for Mom. Daddy can get sick and we wait on him hand and foot and nurse him back to health. The kids get sick and we stop sleeping for weeks at a time until they are breathing normally and sleeping through the night again.

We get "sick" and we continue to pack lunches with a dishtowel over our nose and mouth to keep from contaminating anything. We change sheets and fold laundry with one hand while we blow with the other. We get sick in the toilet and then take a moment to clean the bathroom while we brush our teeth.

Isn’t it amazing what pregnancy did for your immune system?! Hello OB – Goodbye, general practitioner!

It's Cold and Flu Season! Yay!

The Orangutan had to miss school today. She wasn't happy about it but 4 hours last night dedicated to coughing fits and serious shoestring snots (you wanted to know about that didn't you?) left this Zookeeper with no choice. She was staying home.

I went to the bathroom closet in the middle of the night looking for something to help relieve the cough and found bupkis. Remember the whole children's cold medicines scare last year about this time? Well, yours truly purged everything. So the cupboard was bare. Well what else can we do?

No Vicks to be found. No eucalyptus oil. No nothing! So for four hours I laid beside her in bed trying to keep her upright enough to sleep at least a little. And of course as long as I'm not sleeping I might as well "brain blog," right? No need to let four hours go to waste!

Now I've read that a lot of you are facing cold and flu season and I want to know. What have you been using? Did you say "Bump it!" and break out the old children's meds? Did you call your Great Aunt Gracie Lou (twice removed) and ask her for the family mustard poultice remedy? Just how exactly are you handling cold and flu this year in regards to your children?

I would appreciate your help - the Rhino's horn just disappeared under some green shoestrings of his own.