And then My Sister Called - Again.

My grown up life was, in a word, heinous yesterday. But just when the grown up world is miserable, my little exhibits pull out all the stops to make me laugh at how absolutely absurd life can be.

As usual, I got the two big exhibits out on Academic Tour (thank you Lion for taking morning carpool), checked my e-mail and then asked Marmie what she thought we should do with our day. "Let's make Nana Bread, Mama!" A quick glance toward the fruit fly cloud emanating from the top of the fridge and I knew she had a brilliant idea.

Side note: With the two big exhibits out of the house, we have been boot camping the potty training. This translates to minimal clothes because let's face it they just get in the way. Please note that I said, "minimal clothes;" not "clothing optional." This will become important later.

Back to the banana bread. I dudded her out with a child's apron (over her underpants - minimal clothing people) and set her up on one of the bistro chairs so she could reach the counter. All was clicking right along in our cooking adventure; she was peeling bananas, dumping sugar, and waiting patiently for the eggs.

Perhaps it was a moment of insanity. Maybe I hadn't gotten that first cup of coffee all the way down. But something made me think that maybe she could handle cracking the egg. And she did. Right onto the newly mopped floor.

Moving on.

The livestock trailer has been looking a little rough lately so I thought since I had time and distractions would be minimal I would clean it out and shampoo the carpets. Marmie was watching some cartoons and playing in the playroom so it was all going smoothly. I checked on her every few minutes and was clicking right along. Suddenly there was a banging on the door. I opened the door to see her poochie little lip. "I sawy Mama." She was trying to get upstairs to go potty and didn't make it. I assured her that all was well and sent her upstairs for a new pair of unders. Cleaned up the mess and went back to work on the van.

Banging on the door. "I sawy Mama." No puddle. No scribbling on the wall. But still no unders either. What happened kiddo? "I poop in your kitchen." Right beside where she had cracked the egg. Day two of mopping the floor.

Moving on.

We safely made it out the door to the carpoool line. Everyone made it home in one piece and then Orangutan decided that we "needed to talk." Grand Keeper had gotten her some new sneaks for school and she finally got to wear them yesterday. Apparently during PE she had to take them off for one reason or another. Well when it was time to put them back on apparently I had knotted them all wrong for her and her teacher and she missed recess time because I messed up. "Thanks for tying them Mom. But on Monday could you be a little more careful? I need to be able to keep up." I stand corrected, O. Please forgive me for inconveniencing your Kindergarten life so terribly.

And then my sister called. Now if you missed the first call from my sister you really should take some time to go back and review it. It's a gem. But it seems that my darling sibling brings out the nutty in my exhibits. I don't think we were two minutes into the conversation when the following happened.

Me: So any news other than...WHY ARE YOU NAKED?!?!?!
Marmie: Tee Hee Hee Hee
B: hysterical laughter
Me: No seriously! Where are your clothes?
Marmie: Tee Hee Hee
B: breathless hysterical laughter
Me: (sigh) Please go find your underpants and pajamas. AND PUT THEM ON!
Marmie: exit stage right - supposedly to go find her clothing
B: (catching her breath) That was awesome! I could actually hear her "Tee Hee Hee!"
Me: I should quit writing this stuff on the blog and start a comedy tour. As Heard at the Zoo or some other catchy title.
B: Tee Hee Hee (dissolves in hysterical laughter again)
Me: Oh stuff it! You're not funny. AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! You're still naked!!
Marmie: Tee Hee Hee
B: I think you should call the tour "Clothing Optional."
Me: Like I don't see enough butts every day of my life! I gotta go.
B: Tee Hee Hee (and more...you guessed it hysterical laughter.)

The Great Switch-a-Room Day 9: Are we Done Yet?

Wordless Wednesday: Cheap Labor

But Agent CPS, I SWEAR they volunteered!

Looking for more Wordless Wednesday? Hit up those rock stars over at MomDot. I hear they have the goods!

Mom Tip Monday: Unexpected Projects

Those of you who have been following my Great Switch-a-Room know that I have been confronted full force with an unexpected project. I thought it was only appropriate to share some Dos and Don'ts of unexpected project management.

Don't: Panic. That's what happened to me yesterday. I had my brain set on "moving" and it simply did not happen. Looking back (without the aggravation factor) I should have expected to have to clean the bed frames. I mean, what mom isn't going to clean something before she puts it in her children's room? Duh!

Do: Slow down. Unless you are up against a deadline imposed by someone else, you can be flexible. I wanted it all done YESTERDAY but it wasn't going to happen. I had to back off make a list of the steps that needed to happen before move in and create a plan of attack.

Don't: Lose your temper. It just gave me a stomach and headache and really made everyone's day miserable. And there was no reason. After Lion and I both stepped back and looked at the project ahead of us, we reached a compromise within a 3 minute conversation. Before that we were just standing in the garage shooting daggers at each other.

Do: Tap into your creativity. Even if you don't think you have any, a walk though Home Depot, Bed Bath and Beyond or JoAnn Fabrics will start the thinking and provide a little inspiration even if it is just in colors. Then prepare to reign yourself in. I have about a million ideas floating around in my head but the reality is that I will only be able to execute on paint, window treatments and art on the wall.

Well, now I am off to prep the furniture for cleaning. The kids have agreed to help so it should be an interesting afternoon after we pick up the Orangutan! By the way, the girls have decided on pink so Mom has her eye on some cute polka dot panels at Bed Bath and Beyond and I'm studying up on sponging techniques. Wish me luck!

Mom Tip #64: Lacking Motivation? Schedule the Cable Guy!

Now maybe this should really go under one of my Mom Tips You can Use but oh well.

I have a spare exhibit this week so not only has my glorious routine been blown to smithereens but my disaster quotient has been exceptionally high. I promise you I can have a room spotless, walk away to blow my nose and come back to worse than it was before I cleaned. It's amazing! They are like those sister twisters in Twister. You know the ones that were flinging the cow around? Yeah. That's Marmoset and her cohort. Holy Flying Cows, Batman!

Yesterday I just gave up. I really said out loud so that the children and Lion could hear, "That's it! I quit. If the tornado warning carries the house away at least I'll have a God sent reason for the disaster!" They looked at me like I was nuts and went about their destruction.

This morning I woke up and scrambled to get Orangutan out for Cuddle Up and Read Day which involved both of us putting on our clean PJ's, gathering up some books and flying out the door. Halfway through my visit to OAT I remembered that the cable guy was going to be at our house between 11 and 2. It was 9. Lion had not left for the hunt yet so I knew the kitchen had exploded, the playroom was a left over nightmare, and the living room was probably in such shambles that the cable guy couldn't even get to the TV.

I zipped home as quickly as possible. Load and run the dishwasher while I speed pack a lunch for Lion. Kick toys into the cubby under the TV while I rip the vacuum around the carpet. Snatch the sheets off the beds because if they are in the washer I have a reason for the beds being unmade, right? Then it was a slide down the stairs and a quick scoop and stash in the playroom. Speed twirl the vacuum around the playroom and back up the stairs to save the kitchen. Unloading and reloading the dishwasher with one hand while I run the mop water and wipe down the counters with the other. Scrape a layer of sludge off the kitchen floor (that I just did yesterday) while herding the Twister Sisters off the wet floor. Go redo the living room where the Twister Sisters have been hanging out.

You know what? I should probably reconnect the cable boxes so that the cable guy can see what the problem was.
Are you )*&@$%^() kidding me?!
The cable is working?

But at least I have the afternoon off right?

Mom Tip #54

If you want it done right,…well, you know the rest.

L.M. Lion confessed today. He really cannot clean the kitchen. He tries sometimes and I have to give him credit for that. But he really is not good at it.

The dishwasher ends up loaded inefficiently; the clean silverware ends up a jumbled mess; the counters get a lick (from the dog probably) and a promise (that the Zookeeper will be done folding laundry soon) on the best of days; and the mop asks him for ID if he even looks in its direction. Lion looked at me today with the most pitiful of looks I have seen from him in a while and said, “Please, can you do it? You’re just so much better at it than me. And it will get done faster.” The “faster” is what got to me. The rest of the exhibits were clamoring for food and there was no way they were getting any from the kitchen in its current state.

So L.M. Lion took off to get fuel for his leaf blower so that he could complete a “man” project while I tackled the disaster area before FEMA showed up. By the time he got back from the gas station and got his yard shoes on I had reestablished that counters DID actually exist and had scoured a layer of…something out of a few pots in the sink. Before he was done with the yard the counters and stove top had been cleaned, the floor had been swept and the mop had thanked me for not letting him fall into the hands of that mad man who had been eyeballing him. The small exhibits were enjoying their rations and even the dog had a look of gratitude for clearing a path to his food bowl.

Moms, I know we wish our significant others would help more with the housework. But do we really mean it? Really? Deep down we know that we are going to end up redoing the things they don’t do to our liking and we really don’t want to help in the yard anyway.

I’m just saying. If you want it done right,…well, you know the rest.

Motherhood Means...Work

Welcome to Laundry Peak! Enjoy your visit!

Motherhood Means...Maddening!!

Mom Tip #52

Plans are NEVER set in stone – even if you ARE the one who made them.

I think one of the biggest challenges of motherhood is being constantly and faithfully flexible while maintaining your sanity. You can plan a full day and an hour after announcing the plan, the whole smash is shot to pieces and you have to roll with it like the champ you are.

Take my day today. I got up this morning (after sleeping so fitfully on the couch with a teething baby all night) bright and early. The girls were cooperative while getting ready for church. The boys were still in bed but I had a brief conversation with L.M. Lion.

Me: So you are going to carve the pumpkins today, right?
Lion: Sure.Me: Would you pick up a newspaper when you go to get the carving kit while I’m at church? I want to check the sales before I go do the grocery shopping this afternoon.
Lion: I thought I was going to BJ’s (shopping club thing).
Me: When do you want to do that?
Lion: I’ll go tomorrow before I go to work.
Me: Awesome. But get a paper anyway because we need produce and some non-BJ’s stuff.

That settled the final plan was I go to church. I come home, drop off children and run to do grocery shopping while he has quality time with the zoo. I come home; he goes to watch football with his buddies. Then we have a nice family evening carving pumpkins at home.

I came home from church to two boys still in PJ’s, my kitchen trashed from pumpkin guts, no one has had breakfast and my paper has already been torn apart. But I am Mom. I can be flexible. So I scramble to restore order to the kitchen while stewing pumpkin, toasting seeds and making PB&J’s for lunch. I look up to see L.M. Lion in the kitchen door dressed to head to football. Huh? What about the grocery store? Take them with you. When they have been trying to kill each other all day? Not on your life! Well, you’ll work it out. Deep breath. I am Mom. I can be flexible.

Three hours later he comes home. You haven’t been to the grocery store yet? No. I was waiting for you to get home to watch the children. But I was going to go to BJ’s. I thought that was tomorrow morning! I decided to do it today. And you called to tell me when? Well, can you go so I can have the van? Not everything is going to fit in my car. I am Mom. I can be flexible. I grabbed Marmoset and out the door we went for a sprint through the grocery store.

I came home to no progress on the pumpkin front and L.M. Lion napping on the couch. Do I need to mention that BJ’s is happening tomorrow? Two of the three pumpkins got done and dinner was called on account of whiplash.

I am Mom. I can be flexible – just give me a little warning, would you?

Mom Tip #51

If you give a mom a grocery list, be ready to give her a cookie.

Did I mention that the Zoo has had 2 touring exhibits this week? Yeah well, we have. Needless to say it had been an interesting week. Which could explain a lot about this tip.

On my To Do list yesterday were three little words that I dread. “Make grocery list.” Ugh. But I pulled up my big girls and got to work.

If you give a mom a grocery list, she will write a few things on it. Then she will open the pantry to see what else is running low. In an effort to check the sugar, she will end up cleaning out and organizing the entire pantry only to learn that she is OUT of sugar. So she’ll write that on the list. She will then decide to check the other spices.

While in the spice cabinet (which she will also clean out and organize) she will remember that she has not taken anything out for dinner. She will go to the freezer to take something out and will start to stare blankly at the half gallon of rocky road ice cream. As water begins to drip from the ice maker she will snap out of it and run for the mop.

As long as she has the mop out, she will decide that this is a good time to mop the kitchen floor. Only when she opens the cabinet she will notice that she is very low on cleaning products. She should put those on the grocery list. The grocery list!!

She will try to focus and will open the next cabinet in line – the canned good cabinet. Can anyone say clean out and organize? As she writes tomatoes on the list she will remember seeing a coupon for tomatoes in the Sunday paper.

Two hours later after clipping, sorting, and filing coupons, she will try to remember what she was doing in the first place. Instead she will put away the (still dry) mop and switch out the laundry.

Then she will sit down and have a cookie. After all, she earned it! She’s been working hard!

Mom Tip #47

Your children got a mission and they chose to accept it.

To undo everything you have done with in seconds of completing it.

It started with the dishwasher. I was unloading and putting everything away. Munch was pulling all the Tupperware out of the cabinet behind me.

Then it was the living room. I put toys in the cabinet; she took all the pillows off the furniture. I put the pillows back; she took all the blankets off the fireplace. I folded and put the blankets back; she took all the toys out of the cabinet.

Moving on to the bedrooms, beds were unmade while shoes were put away. Stuffed animals were put in the laundry basket while beds we remade. Shoes went for a walk around the house while stuffed animals were sorted back out and put on their respective beds.

And speaking of the laundry basket! No need to sort while she’s around. The dirty stuff will end up in the dryer. The clean stuff will end up on the floor and the wet stuff will end up under the comforter on my bed. ::sigh:: I sorted it all out, got a load going and trudged to my room to fold. She insists on being on the bed while I am in the room. This was the perfect timing to unfold each pile, knock as much as possible on the floor, and smile and laugh the whole time.

I gave up. How can she undo vacuuming? So I started only to have the vacuum go dead in my hand. She had unplugged me. Not once but three times. I would plug it in, walk back to the vacuum, start it up and maybe get two passes in before it went dead.

Remember how I said that there were some days when you just were not going to get anything done? Today is one of those.

Mom Tip #41

NEVER deep clean on low mom esteem or during PMS.

*This Tip is rated WS (Weak Stomach). Not appropriate for readers with sensitive gag reflexes.*

You know what I’m talking about, right? There are just days when you question your fitness as a mother and you actually think about calling Child Protective Services and reporting yourself!! And don’t let that day fall during PMS because then you actually pick up the phone and start to dial!

Never deep clean when you are in this “happy” place. It’s just bad for business all around.

I was feeling pretty good about things this morning. I got up and got moving early so the basic maintenance housework was done quickly. That’s when I decided today was the day to REALLY clean the kids’ room. This entails completely clearing the closet and starting from scratch; getting the broom and pulling everything out from under the beds; and eliminating everything from the top of the dresser.

As I dug in the closet a strange sweet smell kept wafting by my nose. I went through every toy until I came to the laundry basket. This is never a good place to sniff closely but I was left with no choice. Oh yeah! There it is! But the basket is empty?! So I took out the liner. The remains of what I think was a banana. I take the liner out every other week on Sheets Thursday and last week was the week so this thing has pretty much been in there since last Friday. Urk.

Then it was time for the broom under the bed. Clank, Thunk, Thud. And Squish?! That’s not supposed to happen. Seventeen books, 2 shoes (not the same pair), four sippy cups with questionable contents, and an apple impaled on the end of the broom?! Do you know how hard it SHOULD be to impale an apple with a broomstick? Urk!

I turned toward the dresser with dread but I had come this far so there was no turning back. Dress up clothes to go back to the playroom, the 8 outlet covers that have been missing for 3 months, the Lawgiver 3000 (they think they’re sneaky!), and a snack bag of moldy Cheeze-its. People, Cheeze-its will be the food of the cockroaches after the nuclear holocaust. They don’t go stale; they don’t ever run out: and they certainly don’t mold! Unless of course they are put in the ultimate Petri dish known as my children’s room. Double Urk!

You would think that that would have been enough for me wouldn’t you?! Oh no! I’m a glutton! I went for the laundry closet after that. This is where I found 238 hair bows (that have been replaced 5 times), 7 socks (whose mates have probably gone to the happy dryer in the sky months ago!), and a pair of underpants that over shot the top of the washer and would probably test even the most highly trained carbon dater’s skills!

If I had been doubting my skills as a mom and housekeeper this would have done me in. I would be sitting in that nice clean closet hugging my knees, rocking and petting my own hair. But it’s a good day. Maybe I’ll adjust the straps on my gas mask and go for the bathroom closet next! That should be fun!