Things that Would have Been Good to Know

Now I have pondered my life the last few days and I understand that there is a very good chance that I got double whammied on the Mother's Curse.

You see, while Grand Keeper was dropping her "Someday..." on me, I suspect that Lion was getting the same dose - maybe his was heavier. What ever happened, the exhibits have enough curse on them right now to bring our house to its trembling, quivering, gelatinous knees.

Orangutan and Rhino seem to think that there is absolutely no reason they should ever stop talking. I kid you not when I say that Monday night I heard something coming from Rhino's exhibit and went in to find him dreaming the night away and having a conversation with Orangutan in his sleep. It never stops. Ever.

And Orangutan. She is as random about her topics as she is persistent. I think in a ten minute period yesterday I heard "Momma" (or some variation thereof) and at least 38 different topics. Why did Alvin say... How do you spell... What was that show where... Do chickens come in different colors? Today at school we ate Popsicles for snack. Do you remember that time...

And she does that too. She just drifts off in mid thought. And then when she realizes she got distracted she backs up to the very beginning and starts all over. "Momma..." And I promise if she lost it once, she will lose her train of thought at least three more times.

Rhino just wants to help and offer play by play the whole time. "Mom are you going to put that cup there? That's a good spot in the dishwasher because the dishwasher has dirty dishes in it right now. I think I saw a spoon in the sink too. Did you get it? It goes in the basket right up here. Moooooom!! Not in that pocket! That pocket has forks; it needs to go in this pocket over here. No I can't move it because it's dirty and I don't want to get germs. You know, Mom, we wash our dishes because if we didn't they would get germs and make us sick 'cause germs make us sick Mom."

Lion took the three children by himself to the grocery store on Sunday. I laughed as he pulled out of the driveway because I could only picture what was going to come back. I laughed harder as they pulled in when I realized that they had been gone for almost a full hour and were coming back with one bag of food for dinner that night. As my darling Lion trudged up the stairs I looked at him and as innocently as I could muster asked, "Well? How was your trip?"

"They are nuts!! Orangutan didn't stop talking the entire time! Rhino thought he had to have one of everything. And I lost Marmie at least twice! I mean it! They never stopped making noise!"

Then he followed it up with, "No wonder my dad always called me Questions when I was growing up."

And there it is. Proof that I got whammied on the curse. I know I was a talker but now I know that Lion was too and that adds up to one heck of a chatter box curse.

Anybody know where I can get some earplugs for the next 16 years?

The New Innies and Outies

Well, there is a very good chance that we have FINALLY gotten over the hump with Rhino's potty training. It has been a long and tearfilled journey but he has finally taken mercy on me and decided that the potty is not the black hole of death.

In celebration of this fact we are now moving on to encouraging very "boy" behaviors such as standing and aiming. For the sake of my bathroom floor, we started this project outside. Yes, I have been encouraging my son to pee on trees in the back yard. And before you all freak out and call me looney because after all suburbia isn't country, we have a very high privacy fence and lots of trees and bushes. No one is "peeping" on my son. And he is keenly aware that this is only BACK yard behavior.

Last night we moved training inside. Unfortunately the timing could have been better. Orangutan was jumping in for her shower when suddenly a completely naked (fresh out of the tub) Rhino came sprinting into the bathroom screaming, "Gotta pee! Gotta pee!" Nothing like an entrance. He was all too excited to show his sister his new "trick."

I knew a conversation was about to happen but with Orangutan you never really know which way it's going to go.

"Hey Mom! Do ALL boys have those sticky outie things?"

(oh crap!) "Yes honey they do." (Dear Lord let it end now. Please! I beg you! Let it end now!)

"But girls have innie things."

"That's right." (Ok, this could still be saved as long as she doesn't ask why. And even then I can go with the God's plan line.)

"Well, that's just too bad for boys then." Said as if the conversation was done. On that note? Now I have questions!

"Why do you say it's too bad?"

"Well, if boys aren't paying attention then they'll miss the potty and make a mess. Then the Mommys will get mad and probably spank them for being messy."

"Is that what you would do if you were a mommy for a boy?"

"Oh Mom! I'm only having little girls. Boys are just a mess."

If only you knew O. If only you knew! And on top of that she still has no interest in boys which delights my little soul that much more. I thought we were having issues because there is a little boy in her class who adores the very air she breathes.

I did however forget to remind her that that was a Mommy-Orangutan conversation before she left for school today so I could be in for an interesting e-mail from Mrs. F if things go poorly.

Try not to think too much about this the next time you shower. Are you an innie or an outie?

The First Ask the Zookeeper!

So I asked some of my friends to help me out and pose some "Ask the Zookeeper" questions. Did I say they were my friends? Because looking at the list of questions I got I'm beginning to wonder! So here we go!

Cooking and baking are a passion of yours and I know that you refer to them as your "therapy." How did you discover that love? And what is your favorite thing about it?

When I started staying home with the exhibits 18 months ago (wow!), I had to fill the time. I went from working 60+ hours a week to being home all day, every day. There is only so much cleaning and decluttering you can do before you are scrubbing paint off the walls. So I started to look for recipes and meals that I could make to make more of our budget and to break up the monotony of beef, chicken, fish sticks! Playing with recipes and subbing things out quickly became a challenge to meet.

What do I love about it? The smell! You know you have a recipe right when you can come in from being outside and get hit with a smell that makes your tummy rumble. Do I eat what I bake? Actually not very much. I eat my meals and I have a cookie or two but I love to give them away or share with the neighbors.

The magic babysitter fairy has taken your kids on a trip to LaLa Land for the day and you have all day to yourself to do whatever you want. What are you going to do?

Sleep in. Take a shower without someone banging on the door or pulling back the curtain. Read a book. Watch one movie from beginning to end. Do my yoga without someone hanging off of Warrior 3. Take another shower in peace just because I can. Eat a grown up meal (no chicken nuggets, corndogs, bologna, or PB&J) without someone asking for a bite. Write a while. Sew a while.

Miss them like crazy!

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? (This friend must have missed my rant about what a bogus question this is!)

Mo will be 10, Tuck will be 8, Munch will be 6. Hmmm. I will probably be going back to work finally! Something part time so I can still be with them after school but enough to keep my brain busy during the day. We will probably also be getting ready to move out of this house because we will be bursting at the seams!

Where will you be sitting when Mo graduates high school, near the exit to make a dash bc you're bawling your eyes out or on the isle standing proud and telling Tuck to behave that's his sister or front row screaming when Mo's name is called.

I'll be somewhere in the middle sniffing into a tissue hoping no one sees me. Tuck will be a surly teenager getting ready to graduate the following year so he won't be much trouble. But I don't think I could bring myself to be the screaming parent. I'm just not THAT outspoken!

What will life be like when the zoo closes in 18 or so years?

I'm scared to even think! It will be just me and the grumpy old Lion and the security dog of the day. I hope it will be a fun time for both of us. I hope we will be that couple who will still have dinner on the deck with neighbors and go to concerts and who can still spend time together and apart without freaking out.

What would it be like if you had a 4th permanent exhibit?

Bwaaaaah Ha Ha Ha! Huggy jacket time for this Zookeeper! The Lion has campaigned in the past for extra exhibits and one night in mid migraine I told him that if finances allowed I would possibly reconsider. Not so much! I am quite happy with this little Zoo I have and sometimes I even feel like I might be in control. That being said, if another surprise came along, I would have an adjustment and the Zoo might get a little angry and cranky for a while but I would eventually come around. I love children and I know that I can rise to any challenge. I'd just like a different one for once!

So there you have it! Round 1 of "Ask the Zookeeper!" If you have a question for the Zookeeper you can send it to ineedthezoo(at)yahoo(dot)com.

Mom Tip #50

Just because you knew where it was five minutes ago, doesn’t mean you still know where it is.

When did moms become a GPS system? Is it part of mom gear that I received upon giving birth and I just failed to recognize my upgrade?

There is a commercial for a refrigerator (Sorry marketing people. If you were trying to make your brand name stick you missed your mark.) in which everyone is calling Mom asking her where x, y and z are. I would rather not assume that I am speaking for every woman in the world who has children, but I am pretty darn sure that the vast majority of us HATE that commercial!

Sadly, this is a real page from life as a mom. Where’s my phone? Where are my shoes? Have you seen my screwdriver? Where is my snack? Where did my book go? Have you seen my backpack?

The answers in order are, on the charger in the kitchen. I have to be specific because even though the charger has been in the same place for six months doesn’t mean the follow up, “And where is the charger?” question won’t be asked. Your shoes are in the playroom where you took them off. The screwdriver is in the garage on the shelf beside the clippers where you left it. You ate your snack so it’s in your belly. Your book is under your bed where you hid it from your brother. Your back pack is in the car waiting for you to get moving for school.

But then there are the moments when YOU the Mom need something. It is never where you left it! My hairbrush which I left in the bathroom drawer was behind the living room couch; my toothbrush was under my bed – thank you Munch; and my shoes were out on the deck because why wouldn’t they walk out of the closet on their own? And if you ask where something is you get, “Uh dunno.” Do they get up and help you look? No. Do they remember when they had it last? Of course not. Is there a point in even asking? Nope!

You are now saying to yourself, “I wonder what started this rant.” Just a few minutes ago I came to the computer to check my e-mail only to pull out the keyboard shelf and have my keyboard missing. Just when you think you know where you left it…

Mom Tip #28

You don’t really want to know “how?” or “why?”

How did the fully clothed baby end up back in the bathtub?

Why is the dog wearing my bra?

How did you get the monkey wrench and why are you trying to tighten your brother’s head?

I have learned that there are absolutely no circumstances under which you should ask any questions in the bathroom. “How did THAT get THERE?” is one that I avoid at all cost.

Why is the garden shovel in the middle of the living room?

How did the dog dish end up in my bed? And why is it upside down?

How did the baby get on top of the washing machine?

Why are there cornflakes all over the playroom? And how did you get them off the top of the refrigerator?

I stopped asking who did it a long time ago. The only culprits in this house are Mr. Nobody and Ms. Shrug. “What happened?” is entirely too vague and any answer that starts with “Well, see Mom…” can’t go anywhere good.

“What is that smell?” is one that never gets a good answer or one that I want to know anyway.

I know you’ve heard it before but it rings particularly true for mothers. Ignorance is bliss!