Come on out Camera Man!

I have learned so much about my children this summer. 

Orangutan knows no strangers and has no idea what "family business only" means.  She will talk to anyone about anything all day long.  Whether they want to hear or know it.  Yes, it IS embarrassing.  And if you don't know all about our vacation to PA then you don't live within a 15 mile radius.

Rhino is all boy.  From naked happy dances to non stop eating to just general grossness, he couldn't be more boy if you pumped him full of 'roids.  And no, that's not an invite.  Heaven knows, he's already moody enough.

But the focus of today is Marmoset.  I believe I have shared in the past that the fellows at Lion's old office used to call her "Hollywood" because she never showed up without her shades.  Well, she is definitely headed for "Last Comic Standing." 

She insists that someone go to the bathroom with her every time she has to go.  The whole time she is in there she is making faces and talking in weird voices and telling me stories that would make me roll on the floor if it wasn't the bathroom.  Yesterday she felt the need to inform me that her behind had exploded and she really didn't want it put back together.  "'Cause I like it like this!  And I won't need unders!"

I really looked up to see where the hidden camera was.  I mean someone has to coach a kid to say these things, don't they?  And to say it in a 65 year old smoking bartender's voice at the same time?  I mean really.  Lion had to have signed some reality TV contract behind my back.

I wonder what I will have to do to get voted off the island.

Zoo Talk and the Lesson of the Week

I absolutely promise you that all of these conversations/scenarios have happened within the last 24 hours. And now you will understand why I refer to it as a Zoo!

ZK (That's me): Son, did you ever get a tissue and take care of that thing earlier?
Rhino: Yup!
ZK: So the one I'm looking at now is new?

R: You betcha!

From the dungeon (aka playroom)
O: Why won't you let me play with you? You are the meanest brother EVER!!
R: Oh Ho! You think so?

(I think he took it as a challenge!)

M: Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! (running up and down the hall waving her hands above her head wide eyed and crazy like)

ZK: What are you doing?

M: He's gonna get me!!
ZK: Who?!

M: (looking around all 360 degrees) Well, now. Where did he go?

O: Hey Momma, you know the cartoon when Pebbles and Bam Bam got married?
ZK: No. Did Pebbles and Bam Bam REALLY get married? I did not know that!
O: (all seriousness!) Mom. You really HAVE to watch more cartoons!

And finally, the lesson of the week from The Zoo:
I know you don't like how he's playing the game, but you can't make people play the way you want them to all the time. Sometimes you have to just go play a different game.

I know some adults who could use that lesson too, but we'll save that for another day, shall we?

******

And on a completely different note: Book count for our bedtime reading Project? 20 since Saturday night. None have been chapter books since we are at the beginning of The Project and a few of those have been repeats (Marmie thinks we should read Skeleton Hiccups every night) but so far the kids are loving the project. Our bedtime routine has gone much smoother since they know at the end of it they get to pile on the big bed and read. Yay!! We will probably try to start adding some more chapter books and classics this weekend and into next week.

While we're talking about it, The Project still has no name. A few that have been rattling around in my head for your consideration? The Bunkbed Project (since the girls just got bunk beds). Or Project Goodnight Zoo (a little nod to Good Night Gorilla). Feel free to toss your name suggestions our way. We will probably poll next week.

Lessons Learned at R.A.T.

(Reminder that's Rhino Academic Training.)

Lesson #1. Tighty Whities aren't cool.
If you want to keep the neato baseball and basketball underpants you wore to school on your body, you HAVE to take full advantage of every bathroom opportunity afforded you by your oh, so gracious teacher.

Lesson #2. It's the one with the boy on the door.
If you don't want to be known as the nutball kid in school, you have to use the right bathroom at the afforded bathroom times. It went something like this:

ZK (that's me): So what else did you do today?
R: Wellllll, I used the bathroom at lunch!
ZK: All by yourself?! Good job pal!
R: Yeah, but it was the girls' bathroom by accident.
ZK: Oh NOOOO! What happened?
R: Ummmmm....
ZK: Rhino, were there girls in the bathroom at the time?
R: Yeah. Too many
ZK: Did you leave and go to the boy bathroom?
R: No! I had to go REALLY bad so I just closed the door and went.
ZK: Let's go over this one more time buddy. Mommy can't go in the boys' bathroom so you have to come in the girls bathroom ONLY when you are with me. At school, you have to use the boy bathroom.

R: You shoulda aminded me about that this morning!

Lesson #3. If all else fails, blame Mom!

My Mommy by Orangutan!

This morning was O's Mother's Day program at school. They sang for us and then presented us with gifts and a little interview that they put together with the teachers. I'll sharee the interview first (because the computer is slow and hasn't finished loading the video yet).

These are the answers to 10 questions the teachers asked Orangutan.

1. My dad calls my mom Sarah.
I would have said he calls me "Honey where's the..." but it was her interview not mine.

2. My mom is as tall as a pole.
Not sure how I feel about that. I guess it's better than being as tall as a frog, right?

3. My mom weighs I don't know. I never weighed her before.
Good use of diplomacy O. I am so glad she stuck to the scientific answer! By the way the low bid out of all the moms was 10 pounds I think. She looked good too!

4. My mom is 19 years old.
Boy, I sure wish I felt like I was 19! My knees actually made audible creaks this morning. And the low bid on age was 5 - yes, that would mean simultaneously being born and giving birth. Not a labor I want to be part of thank you very much!

5. Her favorite drink is fancy ones.
Maybe cocktail hour has been happening a little early lately! Eeek!

6. Her favorite restaurant is fancy ones.
The correct answer here is any! As long as I don't have to clean I'm golden.

7. She likes to play with us for fun.
Or take a nap, or watch a movie or write, but yeah, playing with them is a pretty good deal too!

8. She enjoys cooking pizza.
Time to shake up the dinner menu again!

9. She looks prettiest when she wears a black dress.
She could have said "dress" in general or "when she actually showers" so I'll take this one.

10. My mom is so smart she can even get me, my brother, and my sister a playground that you can pick a circus, then switch again and find a new one. If you get on the sun the game is shorter.

See, what she was trying to say is that I'm so smart I can get them to play a board game together with minimal bloodshed. But instead she described the game.

And now (an hour and a half later) I can share with you the musical number from our morning. O is in the very back because she's one of the tallest in her class. Sorry about the quality. It's from our digital camer. Any one who would like an idea for a birthday gift (coming up soon!) is welcome to remember that a gift card to Best Buy is a really GOOD idea! (Pass it on sis!)

Well, I have No More Children!

Orangutan gave me some interesting news Saturday night.


"Mom, some day you aren't going to have any kids anymore."


"Really O? Why is that?"


"Because we'll all grow up and move away."


I let a little smirk show up. "You think you might know when that will be? 'Cause I'd like to mark the date on my calendar." I was halfway out the door when she piped up.


"I'm not quite sure but I think it might be April 23rd."


She gave herself, Rhino and Marmoset five days to grow up. I'll be forwarding their mail as soon as I get their new address.


The best part to me was that today is her first field trip with school. Apparently when you're old enough for a field trip you MUST be grown up. Have to love Kid Logic!

Orangutan Says...

My spare exhibit is here today and he doesn't have the clearest speech I've ever heard. O was talking to him this morning and I followed it up with a question about whether she thought he might want to eat breakfast with her.

"I don't know Mom. I don't speak his language."

Get used to it baby. None of us speak "guy."

Laughin' my Pushers Off!

Can I just tell you how much I love my Rhino? I swear he gets funnier every day.

Yesterday I was making PB&J's for lunch and of course being the on top of it mom that I am I had forgotten to take some bread out of the freezer the night before. For the record 15 seconds is just about perfect for defrosting 2 slices of frozen bread in the microwave. So I popped two slices in and turned around to see Rhino scratching his behind.

Dude! What are you doing?
"My pushers are itchy."

Your WHAT?

"My pushers."

What are pushers, son? And with that I turned to take the first slices out and put the second slices in. I turned back around to see my beloved son with his behind hanging out of his drawers.

"See Mom! These are my pushers."

By this point I wasn't just grinning anymore - I had started to giggle. "Why do you call them pushers, exactly?" Thinking that maybe he had mistaken the word tush for push.

(Ready for it?)

"Because they push my butt around and make me wiggle when I dance like this!" Please picture a very enthusiastic puppy wagging its tail. You know how they kind of wiggle all over? That's what your pushers do.

I literally hit the floor. I'm still giggling and on the verge of tears as I type this and this is the third time I've told the story. As certain members of my family might say, "That boy ain't right!"

How to Tell You're a Grown Up by The Orangutan

It was feeding time at the Zoo Thursday night and the small exhibits were gathered around their corn dogs chomping away with glee. Lion and I were discussing whether we should have egg noodles or rice under our beef tips. It was a pleasant little Cleaver scene when Rhino decided he was done.

He got up from the table, pooched his belly out as big as he could get it and said, "See Mom! I'm all full."

Before I could say a word Orangutan jumped in. "Rhino, if your belly is getting that big it must mean you are getting to be a grown up because grown ups have big bellies. Well, Daddy grown ups do but Mommy grown ups don't. The have straight down flat bellies."

Lion and I just looked at each other and started to laugh but I composed myself and I asked the inevitable question, "Orangutan, why? Why are grown up Daddy bellies big and Mommy bellies flat?"

"That's easy Mom! Because Daddys eat a lot and lot of food and just sit and Mommys don't eat very much at all."

They don't? Why don't mommys eat?

"Because they are too busy working and feeding everybody and taking care of everybody and being bossed around. They don't get to eat breakfast or lunch and they only get to eat dinner if the kids are done eating and will leave them alone."

She's going to be a great mom. With a flat belly.

Must be a Daddy Tang!

"Uh Oh" Has a Whole New Meaning.

For the first time since my 2 Coronas at last week's Super Bowl I made myself a little cocktail last night. I think I nursed the thing for a total of 5 hours so that just shows you what a drinker I am! L.M. Lion though likes to be funny so he strolled into the kitchen and said "Uh, Oh! Mommy's drinking again!"

Guess what Marmoset says now every time someone says "uh oh."

Mommy's Dinkin!

It's going to be an interesting morning at church THIS Sunday!