Horsefeathers! A Father's Legacy

My father (The Great Silverback) would be distraught to think that "Horsefeathers!" is his legacy to me but it is so much more than just "Horsefeathers!"

If The Grand Keeper gifted my sister and I with "The Mother's Curse" then The Great Silverback gifted us with "Horsefeathers!" and the ability to use it well. What is "Horsefeathers!" you ask?

Silverback is the handiest of handy men. He can sharpen the mower blades; change the alternator in a tractor; re plumb a bathroom; pull wire to a whole new floor; and tune up the bushings on Grand Keeper's over lock (sewing) machine all in one day. Ok, well the wiring may take a couple days but you get my point. He is the handiest of handy men.

His gift to my sister and I was to let us observe him doing all of the above and more on more than one occasion. We know the difference between a box wrench and crescent wrench. We can pick a ball hammer out of a line up. And we never forget to turn off the water or breaker when doing the appropriate home repair or maintenance.

If you have ever done or been involved in home maintenance, then you are probably aware that inevitably in every do it yourself project there comes a moment when you want to flip out, lose it, or cuss like a sailor. The handiest of men was not immune to these moments. A nail would fall between the 1/4 inch gap into the abyss. A piece of plywood wouldn't stay square to where it was going to end up. The wrench slipped off the nut at maximum torque and projected his knuckles into the immovable force removing several layers of flesh upon contact.

It was at these moments that my sister and I were gifted with "Horsefeathers!" Silverback was very mindful of his influence in our lives and the last thing he wanted to do was introduce us to the art of colorful phraseology. The Grand Keeper, in her infinite wisdom, learned that "Horsefeathers!" was a good indicator that our observation time was up and that we should probably leave the area.

Over time we learned to laugh about Horsefeathers and even considered adding it to our lexicon of DIY vocabulary. But were we worthy? Had we survived enough skinned knuckles to warrant a Horsefeathers moment?

Only time would tell. (aka To Be Continued...)

The Project Heads to the Zoo!

I'm sure by now most of you know that I have a second blog that is for all my non-family stuff. Oh, you didn't? Well hit up The Bowl sometime. It's good fun (or not). Anyway, I digress (imagine that!).

Last week I decided to take on a project of sorts. I am reading. A lot. Now I know that doesn't sound like a project to most but when you are a mom who keeps house, runs carpool, bakes, supervises homework, referees full time aggravation wars, writes, and makes feeble attempts at potty training, squeezing in some time for reading before one passes out from exhaustion is nothing short of a miracle.

So far I am two books into the fifty I am hoping to read in the next year and all is going well. Granted they have been pretty easy reads but I take my victories where I can get them. But I was feeling a bit selfish. I'm getting some pretty decent quality alone time in but I can't help but think that my children could become jealous of the books eventually. Which of course started my brain on a tangent (surprised? I didn't think so.).

Could there be a way to include the children? Maybe not in the books that are on my list of reading material but maybe with a list of their own?

So here it is. The challenge: one book per child per day. That shouldn't be too hard considering the nature of children's literature. And maybe, if I get bold and adventurous, it will be one chapter of a classic story. I have three children and per the bloggy counter over there 315 days before the blogoversary. That means 945 books. That doesn't seem too daunting.

I think the hard part for me will be finding the classic children's stories. And getting my children to read a new book every day - they tend to stick to their faves A LOT! We already have the Beatrix Potter collection so I have Peter Cottontail in my arsenal. I also have a collection of Grimm's Fairy Tales to pull from. (B, who has the copy of Grandfather Tales?) But what are some other classics that you remember from your childhood?

And while you're brainstorming, I'm looking for a name for both Projects. Pop over to The Bowl and weigh in if you have a stroke of genius. Perhaps I'll assemble a collection of children's favorites and run some simultaneous contests for the naming of The Project.

But more importantly, who is ready to mount up with me and give their children the gift of time and literacy? Come on! You know you want to! I'll even let you make up your own rules of participation. Just as long as you are reading every day.

Rhino's Piece of the Curse

If Orangutan got the verbal diarrhea as her part of the curse, then Rhino got his fair helping of the stubborness and sneaky. (Although he got a scoop of the verbal and she got a scoop of the sneaky too.)

I think this boy is on a mission to either force me to send him to military school or just break me so that he can watch me sit in a corner and rock. Last night I was so exasperated with him that I actually said to my husband, "I have had it! He is yours."

So what exactly is he doing? Nothing in particular and everything in general. He will randomly walk up to one of his sisters and thump them on the head for no particular reason. Not hard enough to hurt them but just enough to aggravate them and get the whining started. He will almost immediately follow that up with messing with the TV in one form or fashion. Again, nothing malicious but enough to escalate the whining to a new octave and decible level. If he's really in a mood, he'll start messing with their stuff; snatching a blanket here, knocking over dominoes there, or (my personal favorite) just flopping down on top of someone like there is absolutely no where else in the house for him to plant his carcass.

And his ears don't work when he's in one of these moods. They simply do not work. Rhino get off of her. Off! Off I said! Are you broken?!

Son, would you please just move away? Further. Two inches is no better than 2 centimeters. Two feet would be even better. To which I usually get, "But Mom! I'm not allowed to use your tape measure!"

And if he has done something wrong, you might as well chop his ears off and pack the holes with concrete. He simply will not respond.

He's stubborn!

And emotional. I have never in my life seen a child fall to pieces over nothing like this one can. His golf clubs are in the back of Lion's car at the dealership. He fell into a melty heap on the stairs last night because Lion couldn't produce them on the spot. It didn't matter that we all made promises that the golf clubs would come home today. It didn't matter that Lion tried to bribe him with the promise of brand new big boy golf clubs. He wanted (sniff, sniff) his (gasping for air) golf clubs (sobbing and wailing) NOOOOOOOOOOWWW!

I think this is when I threw up my hands and packed my face with chicken wings. I'm pretty sure I was a bit melodramatic growing up. I know I was stubborn. It was a genetic thing; my grandfather was famous in our community for it; our father had his moments of fortitude; I had a tradition to carry on. Rhino, I'm letting you off the hook. Be as complacent as you want (within reason, I guess. I'd hate for you to end up in juvy). Be kind. Be mellow.

Because if you don't I'm about one meltdown away from "Someday...."

Things that Would have Been Good to Know

Now I have pondered my life the last few days and I understand that there is a very good chance that I got double whammied on the Mother's Curse.

You see, while Grand Keeper was dropping her "Someday..." on me, I suspect that Lion was getting the same dose - maybe his was heavier. What ever happened, the exhibits have enough curse on them right now to bring our house to its trembling, quivering, gelatinous knees.

Orangutan and Rhino seem to think that there is absolutely no reason they should ever stop talking. I kid you not when I say that Monday night I heard something coming from Rhino's exhibit and went in to find him dreaming the night away and having a conversation with Orangutan in his sleep. It never stops. Ever.

And Orangutan. She is as random about her topics as she is persistent. I think in a ten minute period yesterday I heard "Momma" (or some variation thereof) and at least 38 different topics. Why did Alvin say... How do you spell... What was that show where... Do chickens come in different colors? Today at school we ate Popsicles for snack. Do you remember that time...

And she does that too. She just drifts off in mid thought. And then when she realizes she got distracted she backs up to the very beginning and starts all over. "Momma..." And I promise if she lost it once, she will lose her train of thought at least three more times.

Rhino just wants to help and offer play by play the whole time. "Mom are you going to put that cup there? That's a good spot in the dishwasher because the dishwasher has dirty dishes in it right now. I think I saw a spoon in the sink too. Did you get it? It goes in the basket right up here. Moooooom!! Not in that pocket! That pocket has forks; it needs to go in this pocket over here. No I can't move it because it's dirty and I don't want to get germs. You know, Mom, we wash our dishes because if we didn't they would get germs and make us sick 'cause germs make us sick Mom."

Lion took the three children by himself to the grocery store on Sunday. I laughed as he pulled out of the driveway because I could only picture what was going to come back. I laughed harder as they pulled in when I realized that they had been gone for almost a full hour and were coming back with one bag of food for dinner that night. As my darling Lion trudged up the stairs I looked at him and as innocently as I could muster asked, "Well? How was your trip?"

"They are nuts!! Orangutan didn't stop talking the entire time! Rhino thought he had to have one of everything. And I lost Marmie at least twice! I mean it! They never stopped making noise!"

Then he followed it up with, "No wonder my dad always called me Questions when I was growing up."

And there it is. Proof that I got whammied on the curse. I know I was a talker but now I know that Lion was too and that adds up to one heck of a chatter box curse.

Anybody know where I can get some earplugs for the next 16 years?

The Mother's Curse

I know that I have mentioned "The Mother's Curse" several times in past posts. Remember "Reincarnation?" Or how about "Parenting Fatigue?" I'm sure I mentioned it.

Part of me assumed that everyone knew what "The Mother's Curse" was. The other half of me thought I had already written this post. But now that I look back I realize that while I have mentioned it in passing, I have never actually clarified what "The Mother's Curse" is.

The Mother's Curse - the moment a mother utters out loud, under her breath, in the back of her mind, or in a dream "Someday you will have a child and when you do that child will be just. like. you."

It is important going into the next few days that you understand The Curse. You should also understand that The Grand Keeper never hid from us the fact that she used it and used it often. At one point in our lives we knew two phrases. "Remember Rule #1" (I'll explain that later) and "Someday..." She got to the point that she didn't even finish it. She would just let out "Someday..." and we knew another layer had been added to our curse.

From time to time I will call The Grand Keeper and no sooner does she pick up her end, then chaos is all it's glory erupts at my house. The dog will start barking at nothing; Marmie will have issues getting to the potty in time; Orangutan will show up with another tragedy of some cataclysmic proportion; and Rhino will deny that he had anything to do with any of it while he scrambles to hide the evidence. About that time the washer will go off balance; the toilet will overflow and the dishwasher will go psycho and start beeping for no apparent reason. Smoke will roll from the stove and the condiment shelf will inevitably fall off the refrigerator door as soon as I open it dumping all the contents of the ketchup bottle on the floor that I finally had a chance to mop.

Grand Keeper in all her wisdom will undoubtedly say something witty like, "I see my plan is working. I'll talk to you later. Tell them I love them. And Someday..."

Now perhaps Grand Keeper was just that good at applying her curse. Perhaps I really was the loony bin in sneakers. Perhaps I am getting double whammied (another idea we will explore later). In any case, it's time. It is time for me to start dishing out my own helping.

Someday my little exhibits. Someday...

Up Down Side

Since the Orangutan and Rhino have gone back to school, I've had a lot more time to lavish on Marmoset and she is loving life!

It has it's goods and bads. Now she thinks she HAS to be with me 24/7 and has started to meltdown anytime I have to go somewhere without her. It lasts for about 45 seconds but those 45 seconds are stinkin' loud!! I mean hear it in the car at the bottom of the drive way with all doors and windows closed and the radio on loud.

On the good side of the equation is the fact that I laugh. A lot! Take today for example. For a full hour we played "Up Down Side." Very simply put she has to be upside down (so now you get it, right?) and tickled. I can prop her up against the back of the couch, stand her on her head or just hold her by her ankles. She doesn't care - as long as she is "up down side." Her laugh is infectious and as soon as you put her down to catch her breath and get the blood circulating again she is begging for more.

It's awesome to be entertained by things so simple. I guess that's one of the gifts of parenting. May all grown ups revisit the laughter and enjoyment of Up Down Side on a regular basis.

Either I Missed Something...

Or Rhino's teachers are little truth stretchers.

How in the world did a child who could barely sit much less pay attention in class suddenly become a star pupil?

I mean it! What happened to my child?

Two weeks ago, I was crying myself to sleep because I just knew he was going to get himself kicked out of school - and he's not even in Kindergarten yet! Lion and I were walking him in so that we could have conferences with the teacher daily. I was headed to the school at 11 AM because they would need me to pick him up for behavior issues.

We put him on a behavior chart last Monday and he did fabulous. He had two weeks to get it together so we put the chart back in this week.

I went to Curriculum Night tonight and his teachers just raved about his complete turnaround and his great willingness to participate and cooperate.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled, delighted, ecstatic and about to just pop with glee.

I'm also praying that what has been done will not one morning wake up undone just because the switch flipped back again.

I should take consolation though, right? I mean if he's getting all this lunacy out of the way now, I won't have to deal with it when he's a teenage boy sandwiched between two teenage girls, right?