Poor Rhino.

Middle children, consider this a tribute to your childhood.

This time last year I was gearing up for Orangutan to join O.A.T. (Orangutan Academic Training for those who forgot) and I was all sentimental about my baby growing up. I got teary several times before the first day of O.A.T. even got here. I went out and rounded up school supplies well in advance, made lists of things that needed to be done, assembled multiple outfits for her to choose from for her first day and even walked her through the routine several times.

It's that time again. In two weeks not only will we be back in O.A.T. but this time we have R.A.T. (Rhino Academic Training) too! And how am I handling this? I'm counting down the days, minutes and seconds. I haven't even tried to do any supply shopping yet. The tears of sentiment have been replaced with nervous giggles of glee and his clothes have been laid out for two weeks with no options or room for deviation.

If they are lucky I might hit the brakes and slow down in the carpool lane before I scream "TUCK AND ROLL!" and shove them out the van door wise guy style. Maybe the new principal can catch their backpacks.

But let's get back to Rhino. If I was a good mother I would be just as sentimental about his first day of school as I was for O's. And you know I'll be all teary and weepy for Marmie's first day because she really IS the baby. When she goes to school I go back to work though so the tears could be multipurpose. But poor Rhino.

He's the middle guy. He can't beat anyone up or retaliate if something happens to him because the other two are girls. He isn't the biggest one in the family so he doesn't get all the cool new firsts. He isn't the little one so he still doesn't get away with murder like she does. And in all honesty he probably gets blamed for a lot of things that he had nothing to do with.

So this is me pledging to try harder in the next two weeks to keep the giggles to a minimum and muster up some sentiment for my boy. After all he is my ONLY boy and it IS his first day of school too.

Maybe I'll get him some knee and elbow pads to break his toss from the van.

Two Weeks Notice!

That's it! I'm turning in my two weeks notice! I can't take it anymore!

Good thing they are going back to school in two weeks right? Well, Orangutan and Rhino are going to school anyway. Marmoset will still be here with me but that's a whole different world from what we've had this summer.

Holy Crap!

For the first half of the summer I was on it. I would go for a walk first thing; do housework in the early morning while the kids did chores; then we would do some school style stuff so that the two big ones could learn letters and Marmie could do art projects. Then we would hit the pool (yes, every day!) and play all afternoon. The theory was that they would be so worn out by the end of the day that they would pass out without issue! I am rewriting that theory. Mom was so worn out that she couldn't even fight back when they insisted that 12:30 was a perfectly respectable bed time.

I got derailed on the school stuff at the end of June but the kids have forgiven me and according to the review we did this morning they DID actually retain some of the letters and sounds we did earlier. Orangutan is now swimming like a fish and Rhino doesnt' freak out about getting his head wet anymore so that was successful too.

So why am I turning in my notice? Let's see. Orangutan lost her first tooth last week which was gross. She let it go until it was hanging by a string and felt the need to show me just how wiggly it was all the time. Gross! And then last night Rhino decided that he should take a few teeth out too. Ok so he didn't do it on purpose and they didn't come all the way out but taking a header face first into a maple coffee table creates quite a bloody mess. Daddy actually "popped" the teeth back into place when he fell asleep. Yeah, I gagged a little too.

And for the love of Pete! Will these children ever stop eating? I swear my grocery bill has been $100 higher all summer long because they eat nonstop! They've all gained at least 3 inches. Then you have the $700 dollars we spent on dental work. It's a good thing summer is coming to an end because we would be broke if it kept going.

But I am very grateful for the time this summer. We have had a good summer and I think the kids had fun. There has been minimal bloodshed (well, until last night) and a little education going on so I guess it's been a productive summer.

Even so, I'm looking forward to my two weeks being up. And as for that 12:30 bedtime? I'll have my revenge on Monday morning in two weeks!

Summertime, and the Livin's Cray-zee!

Well, this is it. The time of year that every stay home mom dreads. Summer. The time when the following questions play in your head even while you are asleep (which I think we have established, mom's don't ever really do).

What do we have to eat?
Is it time to eat?

What can we do now?

Can we go to the pool now?

and of course the every popular collection of catch phrases...

I'm bored.
I'm hungry.
He/she did (insert ultimate world ending evil here) to me!!

I thought I was going to be ok. I made a plan two weeks ago. O is having some literacy issues at school so we are going to have Zoo Summer School! I am Super Mom and therefore I can come up with activities and games and other occupations to help her learn in a fun and engaging way.

Yesterday was Day 1 of my Super Plan. We woke up and hour later than I had planned. Marmie sat on the potty for 15 minutes with no result. And Rhino peed his bed. While I was stripping sheets Marmie went into the kitchen and peed on the floor which of course O walked through. I mopped up the mess and handed out breakfast. We had a nice little chat about what we were going to do while everyone ate and I unloaded the dishwasher.

Breakfast was wrapping up nicely when Marmie got out of her chair and peed on the floor again. Three guesses what O did! Yup, walked through it again!

Ladies and gents that was all before 9 AM yesterday.

The rest of the day went rather well. Our letter of the day was B so we drew B's in grits on cookie sheets; did a B treasure hunt around the house; beat Mom on the head with a baseball bat! (Not really but a late cup of coffee and missed breakfast made me feel like it.) All in all we managed to salvage it and have a good day.

Fast forward to today when we decide to take a trek to the pool. The usual departure chaos but overall a pretty easy time getting out of the house. Being that it is still early in the year, the water was the expected cold but children have no thermostats so they didn't care which meant that I COULDN'T care. Swimming, swimming, swimming.

Hey gang. Let's take a potty break. Rhino had been refusing to get back in the pool for a good 15 minutes and when we went to the potty I learned why and thanked God. Serious debris in the mesh swimming trunks. (Sure! Go ahead and gag. I did!!) Pack everyone up and trek back while watching "stuff" fall out his pant leg. (Gagging again!)

Did I mention that we have been doing a letter of the day? Yeah and today's was P. I really didn't need this many words that started with P.

Are you Tired of Being Tangled Yet?

Because I know you all did exactly what I asked and crossed everything this morning so that you looked a little like this...

Looks painful doesn't it? Like Gumby and Smurfette had a little one. Kinda freaky really. Those chicks on the bottom really got a bum rap. What am I supposed to be talking about? Because I'm pretty sure it's not Gumby.

Oh yeah! You want to know if Rhino got pulled in the lottery! I called the school and Ms. Debbie the secretary answered the phone. I gave her my name and told her that I wanted to check the PreK list. She asked me to hold and then immediately said, "Oh wait! You're Tucker's mom?"

Deep breath before I said yes. Holding for a split second before she answered with...

Tension's killing you isn't it? It's this little thing I'm working on called plot development. You're supposed to create tense situations that keep your readers craving the answer to the conflict. Is it working?

"Sure, he's in! I hope we made your weekend!"

Are you kidding me? It took me a full 20 minutes to stop dancing long enough to realize that I was supposed to be on my way to pick O up.

So YES! We are in! Thank the Lord because with this week's track record, if I had to make two school stops on the way in the morning we would be late every single day of the year.

At first he wasn't thrilled because he thought O would be mad that he was going to school with her. O assured him that she was really excited because she would be able to look out for him and maybe she would get to see him in the cafeteria at lunch and she would make sure he found me in the car rider line. You know, take care of all that really important stuff. Now he feels better and he is ready to start getting ready for school.

The question now is how am I going to feel in August when it all really happens?

Cross Whatever You've Got People!

Today we have the big pull for the PreK lottery at school.

Today we find out if Rhino gets to make me nutty for another year or if he goes to school and makes Mrs. F nutty instead.

See, PreK is not mandatory here in Georgia because they don't have enough classes for the bajillion four year olds in the state. In day cares it's handled on a first come first served basis. In the public schools they have a lottery where they literally draw the names out of a hat.

Last year we were #49 on the registration list and O got pulled. You would have thought I had been given gold - I think I may have actually cried a little. This year the ladies helping with registration told me that there were a lot fewer registering so hopefully this means our chances are even better. Even so, if the people pulling the names just happen to be readers of my blog, "Please I beg you! Pull his name!!"

And it's not because my son makes me crazy. I mean, yeah, sometimes he does. It's more like I want to avail myself of the school's speech therapist. I was the horrible mother who didn't break her child of the pacifier in a timely fashion and now we are up against a very ugly impediment. We almost had to do translation for his vision test the other day because the tech was having a hard time understanding him.

So cross what you've got. We REALLY need this pull to go in our favor. Of course I'll be back after school to let you know how it went. In the meantime I may channel a Chinese contortionist and tangle myself up.

Want a Dose of Old?

Guess how I've spent my morning?

Rounding up the paperwork for Tuck's PreK registration next week.

How's that for a dose of "How Time Flies!"

So far I have rounded up the old social security card, birth certificate, and a utility bill for residency verification. I booked his doctor's appointment where I will snag the immunization form and the hearing and vision check. The only thing left is a trip to the dentist which of course I am dreading because we already know he needs work.

And I was wondering why my head was throbbing.

This little guy is getting ready to go to school?

Take a Ride in the Livestock Trailer!

We went to pick Orangutan up from O.A.T. today and it was business as usual until we were on our way home.

O: Hey Mom! Do you know what we did at school today? We were working on feeling and hearing!
ZK (that's Me!): So you are talking about your senses this week huh?
O: Yup! I was in Ms. S's group and we were working on hearing. So we listened to pennies and paperclips and blocks and all kinds of stuff.
ZK: Wow! That sounds like it was a lot of fun! So did you drop them or bang them together or what?
O: No they were in boxes and we shook them and had to figure them out by their sounds.
ZK: That's really neat Mo!
O: Do you know which one didn't make any noise?
ZK: No which one? (Please note that I am thinking maybe the teachers put cotton balls in one!)
O: The gummi worm one! But it wasn't one of our gummi worms like we eat. It was one like we went fishing with. But it wasn't making any noise because I think he was asleep. Or dead. He could have been dead.
R: (piping up from the back seat!) Mo! We don't squish worms or poop!
M: Oh no! Not dain! (that's "not again" to all non Marmoset speakers.)

Mom Tip #43

When your children start school, start setting multiple alarms.

And by multiple alarms I mean a dozen at least and all different and if you can get a firetruck to drive by your house on really important days, go for it!

Three guesses what happened at our house this morning. I woke up 15 minutes before we were supposed to be pulling out of the garage. The rest of the Zoo was knocked out and by knocked out I mean coma state.

The school girl of course didn't want to get out of bed so after 5 minutes of begging, pleading and threats I finally just flipped back the covers, grabbed two feet and started dressing her in her sleep. NutriGrain bars are ok for a 4 year old's breakfast, right? They have "Nutri" as in nutritious in the name! And if I give her a cup of orange juice to wash it down with in the car that will work. I know her dentist would completely approve of a Listerine swish and spit on the tooth front too, wouldn't he?

The child crawled back in bed! Apparently she missed the part where Mom's head was about to spin off her shoulders. The Nudist took it upon himself to "help." "MO! GET UP!! WITE NOOOOOOOW!!!!! I SAID (drag that out a little), GET UP NOW!!!!"

Now the baby was yelling from her crib in the next room (I can't imagine why.), the dog is howling, Lord of the Manor is fussing because I "let" him over sleep, and Magoo is protesting Tuck's wake up tactics. I, in the meantime, have realized that I forgot to pack Mo's lunch last night so I'm trying to assemble a bologna sandwich, remember to pack the water bottle and cajole Mo into eating her real breakfast of cinnamon toast. Where's my coffee? Oh yeah! I didn't set that up last night either.

Cram Mo's feet into her shoes, wave a magic hairbrush over her head, do a quick pass with the toothbrush (sorry Dr. King!) and head for the van. This is when Beloved announced that he was getting in the shower and the baby and The Boy had to go with me to take Mo to school. Are you on something?! But off we go. Oh yeah!! Maybe putting some contacts in would be a good idea. I mean it helps if you can see while you're driving. And a bra would be a good idea just in case I have to get out of the van.

We made it on time. The child was fed, dressed, brushed (teeth and hair), and smiling when she left the van.

I rewarded myself with Dunkin Donuts! I'll be calling the fire station this afternoon. Those Christmas cookies I deliver every year have to get me SOME perks!

A Note from the Zoo

{from the Orangutan}

Dear Zookeeper,

Well, it appears that O.A.T. is going to be a lot of fun. So far I am enjoying my tour immensely even though it's only been a few days. However, I do have a few concerns.

I am having a small issue with the tour hours. It seems to me that tour preparation really should not start until the sun is actually up. The notion of rousing from my comfortable sleeping arrangement before the sun has even started to appear in the sky is very disagreeable. Marmoset and Rhino may continue to begin their days at that hour if they would like but I would prefer a delay in the tour.

Along the same lines, I am finding my closing hours to be inconvenient as well. It is simply not right that my exhibit should be closed before the sun has gone down as well. I will continue to make enough ruckus to keep Rhino and Marmoset awake if I am forced to close my exhibit at these early hours.

I greatly appreciate the dietary supplements you have been sending with me to O.A.T. I think you will find that bringing additional supplements with you when you come to retrieve me will also aid in a smooth transition back to the zoo. I find it completely unfair if the Rhino and Marmoset have supplements in the livestock trailer and I do not. Thank you for your particular attention to this detail.

In regards to O.A.T. in particular. It would be wonderful if you would cease the incessant interviewing. I think you may have noticed that I disengage my memory as soon as I arrive at the livestock trailer so it is pointless for you to continue to interrogate me every afternoon. Eventually I will remember what you would like to know and will volunteer the information at that time. But I think we can all agree that the interview is pointless at this time.

And finally, I would like to share a little about the Male Orangutan I have befriended at O.A.T. I understand that it doesn't make very much sense to you why I would befriend such a character. After all he HAS disrupted my resting period once and pushed me down on the exercise yard the second day. However as I explained, he did express sincere remorse at his behavior and I felt it only appropriate to give him the benefit of my friendship. Please accept my decision.

Thank you for my touring opportunity. So far it has been a delightful and enlightening experience.

Sincerely,
Orangutan.

Mom Tip #37

Examine your child occasionally for new and “improved” features.

Apparently while everyone was asleep emergency triggers were installed in my children. They are sensitive to sleep levels and can go off at anytime anywhere.

Magoo’s first day of “big school” was yesterday. It was a very exciting time for everyone. We took great precautions to plan ahead and make sure we had everything we needed. We laid out clothes and packed lunches the night before. We set 2 alarm clocks to make sure everyone got up and Super Mom even planned a family breakfast of blueberry pancakes as a special treat.

Everything went off like clockwork. We got Mo to class, said our farewells and got back to the house just in time for Daddy to go to work. The two small people played together like best friends all day with only a small moratorium for Munch to nap around 9. After lunch it was time for a quick trip to the grocery store and gas station before we had to pick up Mo.

Then the sleep sensitive emergency triggers went off. I didn’t even know they existed. I’ve never seen them and in tonight’s bath I was unable to locate them. I sincerely pray that not only will I be able to locate them but also deactivate them IMMEDIATELY!!

These triggers tripped and Munch started the squeal from…well…you know. Simultaneously Tuck started hollering as loud as he could that his belly hurt and he was just positive if I didn’t get him home NOW the pain was going to make his head fall off. There I was sitting in the carpool line in my own little torture chamber. School was out at 2:20 but it took the longest 20 minutes in history to get the children together for departure.

Just when I thought my head was going to join Tuck’s, it all went stone silent. I pried my now numb fingers from the steering wheel and slowly cracked one eyelid in the general direction of the rearview mirror. There were two passed out cherubs in the backseat where just moments before were the minions of the Dark Lord himself. And what do you know, there’s Mrs. F bringing Mo down the sidewalk. The last thing I wanted to do was hit the button to open that automatic door and sure enough as soon as I did I saw eyelids flutter. As we pulled away from the curb, the triggers tripped a second time and this time Mo felt like she should shout over them to tell me about her day.

I know when I gave birth to these children I counted fingers, toes, ears, eyes – well, everything. I do not remember seeing a red button or a switch that said “Warning: This switch will be activated when sleep levels reach critically low levels leading to failure of volume controls and extreme temper tantrums.”

I don’t know who installed these triggers but it had to have been a male and when I find him he had better hope I don’t have a trigger of my own!

The Zookeeper's Response

Dear Marmoset,

I have given serious consideration to your predicament. I feel I should tell you that you will be observing a change in Orangutan and S.M. Rhino's exhibit hours in the immediate future.

You see, Orangutan is about to begin a tour unlike any our zoo has seen before. She will be leaving the zoo very early each morning to attend Orangutan academic training. It is quite possible that she will be leaving on tour before your exhibit opens each day. Therefore it will be necessary for her exhibit to close earlier than it has been. Due to the proximity of S.M. Rhino's exhibit to Orangutan's, his exhibit will be closing earlier by default.

This will possibly have a positive and negative impact on you personally. The negative will be that you will find your socialization time with Orangutan significantly shortened. The positive effect will be that you will find exhibit hours to be more fairly enforced. You will also be afforded more socialization time with Rhino and myself.

In regards to the additional "dessert" rations, I believe we can come to an agreement on this matter since dessert time will be moved up in the schedule allowing you to be included.

I appreciate your candor and understanding as the above adjustments are made.

Sincerely,
The Zookeeper