Summertime, and the Livin's Cray-zee!

Well, this is it. The time of year that every stay home mom dreads. Summer. The time when the following questions play in your head even while you are asleep (which I think we have established, mom's don't ever really do).

What do we have to eat?
Is it time to eat?

What can we do now?

Can we go to the pool now?

and of course the every popular collection of catch phrases...

I'm bored.
I'm hungry.
He/she did (insert ultimate world ending evil here) to me!!

I thought I was going to be ok. I made a plan two weeks ago. O is having some literacy issues at school so we are going to have Zoo Summer School! I am Super Mom and therefore I can come up with activities and games and other occupations to help her learn in a fun and engaging way.

Yesterday was Day 1 of my Super Plan. We woke up and hour later than I had planned. Marmie sat on the potty for 15 minutes with no result. And Rhino peed his bed. While I was stripping sheets Marmie went into the kitchen and peed on the floor which of course O walked through. I mopped up the mess and handed out breakfast. We had a nice little chat about what we were going to do while everyone ate and I unloaded the dishwasher.

Breakfast was wrapping up nicely when Marmie got out of her chair and peed on the floor again. Three guesses what O did! Yup, walked through it again!

Ladies and gents that was all before 9 AM yesterday.

The rest of the day went rather well. Our letter of the day was B so we drew B's in grits on cookie sheets; did a B treasure hunt around the house; beat Mom on the head with a baseball bat! (Not really but a late cup of coffee and missed breakfast made me feel like it.) All in all we managed to salvage it and have a good day.

Fast forward to today when we decide to take a trek to the pool. The usual departure chaos but overall a pretty easy time getting out of the house. Being that it is still early in the year, the water was the expected cold but children have no thermostats so they didn't care which meant that I COULDN'T care. Swimming, swimming, swimming.

Hey gang. Let's take a potty break. Rhino had been refusing to get back in the pool for a good 15 minutes and when we went to the potty I learned why and thanked God. Serious debris in the mesh swimming trunks. (Sure! Go ahead and gag. I did!!) Pack everyone up and trek back while watching "stuff" fall out his pant leg. (Gagging again!)

Did I mention that we have been doing a letter of the day? Yeah and today's was P. I really didn't need this many words that started with P.

Tuesday Tribute: Mother's Little Helper

Jay and Deb are going to kick me out of Tribute if I keep picking such abstract and really quite bizzarre tributes. But I can't pass this up.

It's spring break week here and like all mothers I am losing my sanity bit by screechy little bit. I love my children. I do. They make me rely on "helpers" sometimes though and in an effort to be "real" I am opening the blinds into my helper life. I'll post these according to insanity levels.

Minor insanity is controlled by One Eyed Monster and his pal Don Vito Douglas Player. They kick into action when certain maintenance activities need to be completed to keep the house from caving in on itself. Quietly they entertain the masses by broadcasting favorite cartoons movies and other diversions. Admit it - they're your little helper too.

Growing insanity calls for Player Do. And while I fully understand that PD can contribute to the insanity by being crumbled into microscropic bits and ground into the used to be beige carpet or tracked onto the newly mopped floor, he still manages to occupy and distract long enough for basic hygiene maintenance.

Escalating insanity can usually be staved off by Transport and an off location recreation zone. Sometimes however the rec zone can be insanity in and of itself which is a risk a truly escalating situation requires (as well as a smack down on a four year old or two).

Out of Control insanity. This is one ugly fellow and I have found that he only speaks two languages. White Flag and Tom Collins. When the hair pulling has turned into kicking, scratching, screeching, naked toy throwing, tantrum having, pants pooping, tears flowing and the children can't handle me any more, they throw up their white flags and mix me a Collins.

What can I say? Spring Break brings out the best in all of us!

Now for those of you who were looking for a real Tribute, please head over to Jay's Place and snag a few links of heart warming treasures. There are people out there who really are sane and delightful. You should hang out with them.

Planning my Summer

Now I know you all think this is a little premature - especially those of you who are still looking at snow. Here's the thing. Spring break is in two and a half weeks. We all know that spring break is really just a dry run for how nutty things are going to get over the looooooong summer break. That being said, I think it is completely appropriate for me to start planning now.

Here's my list of things that I would be willing to do, vlog and blog for the small fee of some corporate sponsorship. Hey! They are getting behind all kinds of techno Internet promos now and I'm a pretty entertaining person if I do say so myself so I can't see that I could severely hurt anyone. And I have Twitter, Facebook and my two awesome blogs on my side. So here's the list Corporate PR people. Feel free to contact me when you're ready to get behind me.

Remodel my house.
I was thinking that this one could be sponsored by a LOT of companies thus spreading the cost out and minimizing the impact on any one company. I think some appropriate sponsors would be Home Depot (we all know how I feel about Homer), Bed Bath and Beyond, Pier One, Rooms To Go, Behr or the DIY Network. Duct Tape or 3M could also get involved because child restraint and painters tape would definitely be involved. See guys, all you have to do is provide the supplies. I'll provide the sweat, swearing, and crying.

Redo my entire landscaping front and back.
Homer, you are in on this one too. DIY you could come hang out too. Caterpillar, I know you guys are in need of some good face time and I'm sure there are some trees to come down or other front loader/skid loader projects (like spreading topsoil) so I saved some space for you. You may want to send a licensed operator though because I can't guarantee my heavy machinery skills.

And the BIG ONE that I would really knock out of the park for everyone - The East Coast Road Trip!
I have Winnebago, WalMart or Target, and Exxon or BP tagged for this one. Rand-McNally we'll be needing your help too unless Tom Tom or Garmin wants to kick in (just in case Winnie gives me a model that doesn't have a navigation system). I'll go to whatever East Coast landmark or city you want. But know this; if you choose some educational spots, you would expand your campaign base by labeling yourself the Education Company!

So you ask yourself what you get in return? You get your name plastered all over every blog, vlog and my forehead related to your endeavor. You get my dry wit and humor. And you get one free commercial on network TV because you will undoubtedly be so awestruck by my mad skills at PR that you will want to sign me for an enormous contract as a spokesperson.

I should offer a claimer that I really would do all of these things this summer if funds were available. I should also note that while I am not a review or PR blog you can bet your paint rollers and Tang that I would take every single one of these companies up on their offer if they said they would do it.

The Wear Them Out Plan Backfired

Again.

Why do I keep doing this? I tackle projects and involve my children in hopes of absolutely wearing them out to the point that their little bodies collapse in small sweaty heaps for hours at a time without so much as a thud when they go down. And it never seems to work.

Know who goes down with a HUGE thud? Me. The Mom. The one who is supposed to be able to get vast amounts of things done while they are knocked out.

Hit the old backyard today to clean up leaves left over from last fall and start the spring cleanup. Rhino and Marmoset were supposed to be outside playing in the fresh air and getting all worn out. They sat in lawn chairs and discussed what a "lovely day" (and no I am not lying - I wish I could make this stuff up!) it was outside and how "darling" the birds were. Backfire #1.

Then we ate lunch and cleaned the Rhino exhibit while Marmoset napped and before we knew it it was time to snag Orangutan from school. Ah hah! My second chance! We'll pop by the park on our way home and since it's not that breezy some running to get the kites off the ground should be just what I need to finish them off. And some sliding and swinging and just general running in circles.

They aren't even showing signs of surrender. I, on the other hand, have stiff back and shoulders, a throbbing, popping knee, blisters on my hands and can barely keep my eyes open. Did I mention that I smell like the garbage truck that backed over me last week?

This is me waving my white flag. Except from the smell of the child who just passed me I might do better to cover my nose and mouth with it. Ahhh, the joys of motherhood.