A Letter from the Zookeeper

**This is actually two letters to different people but they're short so I'll put them together.**

Dear Small Exhibits,

I love you! I love that we had a wonderful two weeks of holiday celebrations. You did a wonderful job helping to decorate the Christmas tree and I was incredibly proud of your behavior at the Christmas Eve party. I was even more impressed with your desire to share on the big day itself. A million thank you's for being so well behaved while your Auntie B and Uncle N were here too. There is a chance now that you may eventually, one day in the distant future acquire some cousins. After Auntie B's last visit I was a bit worried.

That being said? It's time for Orangutan to go back to school....YESTERDAY!! I'm glad you enjoyed your time together but if I have to break up one more inter exhibit kicking, screaming, whining, scratching, hair pulling, knock down, drag out, war to end all wars - I will shut this Zoo down until you are all over the age of 25. I will not hang around to feed you, clean up after you or do your laundry so unless you have a undiscovered dream of being skinny, hungry, dirty, smelly and altogether disgusting, I suggest you take extra care to make sure that O gets up on time for school on Tuesday.

All my love, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Your Zookeeper.
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Dear Mrs. Claus,

I sincerely appreciate the attention you gave my list. You truly are your family's saint! The Ipod is being loaded as I write; the new bed set is incredibly beautiful as well as super snuggly; the new boots are incredibly stylish and the turtle neck is wonderfully versatile. The bonus pots and pans you threw in were perfect and the surprise gardening encyclopedia will be a great help in the spring when it's time to plant. You really are quite the miracle worker.

Now I know in all the hustle and bustle, you were bound to miss a few things so I thought I would let you know what was going on so you could address the problem with the problem departments before next year.

To your art department - NON washable markers and paints should be reserved for families in which ALL the children have stopped eating said art supplies. Or at least they should write the letter to the toddler Sunday School teacher explaining why her favorite student's beautiful dress was accompanied by teal teeth.

To your makeup department - all fingernail polish, makeup, lipstick and other facial acoutrements should also be reserved for familes with children in their teens. Or at least given to children who DO NOT think that the male dog would look good with purple toe nails - on the day I have cleaned the carpets.

To the Matchbox department - when giving a race track to a young boy please be sure to wrap up a box of patience for the father of said boy to be opened while they are trying to figure the blasted, too many parts, gotta have the precision timing of a NASCAR driver thing out.

Otherwise my dear, I would say you did a stellar job this year! Kudos and here's a glass of (heavily spiked) eggnog to you!

With my upmost respect,
The Zookeeper

Introducing The Zookeeper's Inbox

Ever wondered if other Zookeepers face the same management issues you do?

Well, it's time to find out! Use the contact info on my profile and send me your questions! I may not have the solution but I can probably paint your issue in a new light that may make it a little more tolerable. So send me those questions. And watch for yours to appear in "The Zookeeper's Inbox!" Prime example from my inbox today....You remember the Chimp with the grooming issue, right? Her Keeper is back.

"Dear Zookeeper,
Greetings again from my little crazy zoo! We've had some strange things going on at night at our zoo and I wanted to share them with you to see if it's just my zoo or if all zoos have this problem.

First, I should give you an overview of the exhibit arrangements at my zoo. My Hippo shares an exhibit with the Hyena. The Chimp has her own exhibit. I usually spend the night in the Baboon's exhibit because he tends to not use it most of the night. And when he does, he's kind of nice to cuddle with.

This is what happens at night at our zoo: The Chimp and Hyena exhibits are closed at about the same time. We have to use extra security for the Chimp exhibit as she is still getting used to having a big exhibit all to herself. The Hippo begins the night in the lobby, because the Hyena takes quite a while to recognize that the exhibit is closed and settle down. Before I retire to the Baboon exhibit, I make sure the Hippo is safely in her exhibit. The Baboon is usually out doing whatever a Baboon does at night.


At some point in the night, the Hyena leaves her exhibit and joins me in the Baboon area. When the Baboon comes back to the zoo, he crowds into the area as well. Feeling very out of place with a bunch of smelly animals, I get up and move to the lobby until morning.

Shortly before dawn, the Chimp will stir. If she is not quieted, she will wake up the whole zoo. I send the Baboon into her exhibit to keep her company.


Occasionally, the Hippo will require food before breakfast and will end up in the lobby with me.
So, by opening of the zoo, you have the Hyena in the Baboon exhibit, the Baboon sharing the Chimp's exhibit with her, the zookeeper in the lobby and somehow the Hippo asleep in the food prep area. It's a game of musical exhibits.

I never thought that being a zookeeper meant I would learn to play party games in my sleep.


Yours truly...

A.R. Zookeeper"

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Dear A.R. Zookeeper,

Nocturnal party games are a regular occurrence here at Zoo Suburbia as well.

I have found that it is in my best interest to protect the Lion's den at all cost. A. The Lion does not respond well to interruptions in his nocturnal habits and has been known to throw a hard right paw at the interrupter without regard for who or where he contacts. B. The Lion is also very grumpy if he is awakened via a depositing Rhino or a kicking Orangutan and generally expresses his displeasure at me and me alone.

As a result of my regard for the Lion's den I have found it is best to move to the exhibit in question itself. I have spent many a night on the floor beside the Rhino cage or in the Orangutan's exhibit. Marmoset prefers to sleep on me in her exhibit if she is interrupted and therefore I have taken steps to install more Keeper friendly fixtures.

In the event I am unable to protect the den, I like you have been known to return to the lobby for the evening. I wish I could tell you that eventually your Zoo will settle into a more stable nocturnal routine. Unfortunately, I have heard from more established Zoos that the settling is short lived and then they just don't return to the Zoo until the wee hours still disrupting your rest. Take consolation in the fact that you are not alone.

Your friend,

The Zookeeper