Mom Tip Mini on Listening

If you listen carefully you can hear some of the funniest things never put on stage.

From the Rhino: Did you see that Mom? I just fell off my legs.

I almost went in search of the missing parts until I realized that he meant to say "I just fell on my knees."

From the Orangutan: But I can't brush my teeth because then my orange juice will go to waste because you know Mom that I can't drink my orange juice after I brush my teeth because it will taste all funny and then you'll have to throw it out and Daddy hates it when we have to throw our juice out because we haven't finished it.

And I promise you not only did she never take a breath but that is verbatim what came out of her mouth. I can no longer say that she doesn't listen.

From the Marmoset: Ah neena noonle for Maxie licka me. Which means (because not everyone speaks Marmoset) "I need a noodle so I can put it in my mouth with a little piece hanging out so Max can eat it like a treat."

And yes, that does happen at my house. Not only do I serve naked noodles for dinner from time to time but the dog does get table scraps. And yes, the children have been known to put treats just between their lips and let the dog take them from their mouths. What can I say? He lives a great life. I have often told him that in my next life I'm coming back as him.

From the Lion: (and I have held this as long as I can) I am hyperactivating the fridgidity.

That was in response to my question of why there was a sealed glass jar of $6 apple juice in my freezer just waiting to explode.

And finally From the Zookeeper: If you are not naked in the next 2 seconds I am going to whoop that fanny all the way to Wisconsin!

A - I can't believe I even had to ask twice for someone to get naked! And B - The response I got was not a naked child. It was "where's Wisconsin?!"

Did I mention that in my next life I'm coming back as a dog?

Mom Tip #25 - Language Skills

You now speak a second language.

I’m not referencing Spanish or French or any of those. Yes you may have studied those in high school or college but unbeknownst to you, you learned “Child” the minute you became a mom.

Initially you only understand Child when you hear it. When your baby says “aahh-boo” you know that means “apple.” And “lub-oo” makes your heart melt. Slowly your vocabulary grows and you begin to speak Child.

“No. No.” This is usually said with a smile on your face and is pretty direct.

But then it mutates into “NooooOOOO. No. No. Nonononono!” This is for those moments when you try to redirect with your voice and end up a rapid fire “no” machine gun as you sprint across the room to pry your toddler’s mouth open and extract 7 pieces of dog food.

Machine gun No is usually accompanied by “Aaah.” This is the Child word for “open your mouth.” However it has been known to mutate into “AaaaaaaAAAAHH! Open!” This is for those moments when the toddler has decided that watching Mom make a fool of herself is so much more fun that just spitting the dog food out and has locked down the jaws of death.

Another pair that is often seen is “Get! Get. Get. OFF!” and “Come. Coooome. Come. Come. Come (reinstall machine gun for this).” Why these two come together is still the biggest oxymoron of motherhood.

There are days when speaking Child sounds more like the sound effects track of an action movie. “Nonono’s” and “comecomecome’s” all run together and get mixed up with “ttthhhbbbttt” and “blech!”

And don’t even get me started on “Mum mum. Ah tink tink!” The only response for that one is an emphatic “eeeeeeeewwwwwwwww!”