Mom Tip #36

Read every book written on parenting but you’ll still be surprised.

Go to any Barnes and Noble and you can find a whole line up of books about pregnancy, parenting and child psychology. Go ahead and spend a fortune and then countless hours reading them. You’re still going to have days that make your jaw drop.

Daddy was helping Tuck get ready for church this morning and they were making one of the last passes by the bathroom before we walked out the door. I don’t know what inspired it but Tuck told Daddy what he’s been telling me all week.

“I don’t want Mo anymore.”
You don’t? Well what do you think we should do with her?
“I don’t know but I don’t want her!”
Well, should we ship her off somewhere? Mail her to someone?
“Yeah!!” He reached into his pocket and pulled out an imaginary letter which he proceeded to unroll like a scroll. “Dear Mo, Go Away!”

You can’t prepare for that.

This evening (as if one off the wall surprise a day would ever be enough in the Zoo!), I did everyone’s baths and one by one they left the bathroom with towels on their heads. I know you all will be shocked and amazed when I tell you that the Nudist and his Apprentice took this as an engraved invitation to stay au natural.

Mo took a separate shower after the other two so when she got out of the tub with her towel she headed for her room for her pajamas. I’m going about my business rinsing out the tub and restoring order when she comes flying (her towel as a cape of course) into the bathroom.

“Mom!! I just found poop in the middle of our bedroom floor!”

You can’t prepare for that.

Off to the bedroom to clean up the poop. Nudist is hiding in the closet and Apprentice is dancing in the hallway. Who would you think was the culprit? Nudist of course and he claimed the handiwork to avoid interrogation and punishment. Fine. I clean it up and pass out pajamas. No more naked butts!

On my way back out the hallway I scoop up Apprentice and carry her out to get her dressed. As I flip her up to diaper her I make a horrible discovery. She was the culprit. Please don’t ask me how I came to this discovery. It’s just not pretty.

You can’t prepare for that.

The Zookeeper's response

Dear Zoo,

I sincerely appreciate the time and effort put into your recent correspondence.

Please take under advisement that the emergency hunger alert system may actually be detrimental to your cause. If you choose to activate the aforementioned "improvement's" to the system, please consider my resignation from my position as Zookeeper to be immediate and permanent. At that point feedings will become the sole responsibility of the large male lion.

As for your concerns about cookie rations, should my resignation be tendered they will no longer exist. Nor will the cookies.

Sincerely,
The Zookeeper

Mom Tip #7 - Get dressed Last!

Yes my friends, you heard me correctly – last.

Inevitably if you get up and get beautiful before your children are beautiful and handsome, you will end up in a completely different outfit that you don’t really like smelling like something you shouldn’t smell like. Now this is not to say that you shouldn’t be the cliché mom who scurries about the house in your bathrobe, nylons, slip and slippers with curlers in your hair. By all means! Get as far as you can in your preparation routine without achieving final effect.

Why? Remember that jelly toast that the two year old wouldn’t eat in his pajamas when it was time to eat breakfast? Remember that off hand remark you made to your four year old to “go color until we’re ready to go?” Remember those bananas that the baby had for breakfast this morning?

The jelly is now on your two year old’s hands waiting to be transferred to your skirt. The washable markers are all over your 4 year old’s face ready for the attack of the washcloth. Oh and don’t get me started on the bananas! They will either go across your shoulder or down the front of your v-neck shirt as you try to load her into the car seat.

So against the recommendation of every dry cleaner in the world I say, “Get dressed last!”