Mom Tip #49

If you are a mother to toddlers or a dog, there is absolutely no point in cleaning.
Anything. Ever.

And before you start to think that we must live is the nastiest house on the block, know this. Knowing this tip does not prevent a mom from doing it anyway. I just wanted you to all know that it is pointless except for the brief thirty seconds you get to stand back and look at your handiwork.

Indulge me in an illustration if you will. I cleaned up the playroom yesterday. All the toys were in their proper bins. The puzzles were put together and stacked nicely. I even ran the vacuum and got up all the popcorn remnants from Sunday’s movie fest. I went upstairs to put away the vacuum and came back to the office only to look over at the playroom.

A bag of saltines had exploded into a million bits, pieces and crumbs. I refrained from asking who did it because I knew that it happened spontaneously without any help from an outside force. A box of dominoes had scattered itself across the room and the coloring books had launched themselves off the shelf. I sighed and buried myself in email.

I mopped my kitchen floor yesterday too. No more Velcro sounds as I walked across the floor in my bare feet. No more fruit fly cloud erupting from under the dishwasher. The lemony scent wafted through the house – for 2 hours. Then the exterminator came to do the annual termite inspection (We are clear. Thank you for asking!) and decided to play ball with the dog in the part of the yard where he had just watched me water new flowers. Then of course the dog needed a drink from? That’s right sports fans! The kitchen! And since I was wiping up after him when the inspection was done, guess where Mr. Muddy Shoes came for me to sign off on the inspection.

And it goes beyond house work. Wipe a nose and I promise within twenty-four seconds you will be doing it again. Clean a butt and less than nine minutes later, you will smell something funky that you just can not bring yourself to believe.

Congratulations Mom! You have the most secure job in any economy!