Sunday, January 4, 2009

A Letter from the Zookeeper

**This is actually two letters to different people but they're short so I'll put them together.**

Dear Small Exhibits,

I love you! I love that we had a wonderful two weeks of holiday celebrations. You did a wonderful job helping to decorate the Christmas tree and I was incredibly proud of your behavior at the Christmas Eve party. I was even more impressed with your desire to share on the big day itself. A million thank you's for being so well behaved while your Auntie B and Uncle N were here too. There is a chance now that you may eventually, one day in the distant future acquire some cousins. After Auntie B's last visit I was a bit worried.

That being said? It's time for Orangutan to go back to school....YESTERDAY!! I'm glad you enjoyed your time together but if I have to break up one more inter exhibit kicking, screaming, whining, scratching, hair pulling, knock down, drag out, war to end all wars - I will shut this Zoo down until you are all over the age of 25. I will not hang around to feed you, clean up after you or do your laundry so unless you have a undiscovered dream of being skinny, hungry, dirty, smelly and altogether disgusting, I suggest you take extra care to make sure that O gets up on time for school on Tuesday.

All my love, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Your Zookeeper.
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Dear Mrs. Claus,

I sincerely appreciate the attention you gave my list. You truly are your family's saint! The Ipod is being loaded as I write; the new bed set is incredibly beautiful as well as super snuggly; the new boots are incredibly stylish and the turtle neck is wonderfully versatile. The bonus pots and pans you threw in were perfect and the surprise gardening encyclopedia will be a great help in the spring when it's time to plant. You really are quite the miracle worker.

Now I know in all the hustle and bustle, you were bound to miss a few things so I thought I would let you know what was going on so you could address the problem with the problem departments before next year.

To your art department - NON washable markers and paints should be reserved for families in which ALL the children have stopped eating said art supplies. Or at least they should write the letter to the toddler Sunday School teacher explaining why her favorite student's beautiful dress was accompanied by teal teeth.

To your makeup department - all fingernail polish, makeup, lipstick and other facial acoutrements should also be reserved for familes with children in their teens. Or at least given to children who DO NOT think that the male dog would look good with purple toe nails - on the day I have cleaned the carpets.

To the Matchbox department - when giving a race track to a young boy please be sure to wrap up a box of patience for the father of said boy to be opened while they are trying to figure the blasted, too many parts, gotta have the precision timing of a NASCAR driver thing out.

Otherwise my dear, I would say you did a stellar job this year! Kudos and here's a glass of (heavily spiked) eggnog to you!

With my upmost respect,
The Zookeeper

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3 comments:

jennifer said...

Oh, you just reminded me that I need to wash the crayon off the wall. Again.

Michelle@lifeinawhirlwind said...

Ah yes. The dreaded makeup. I swear they add extra grease to the kits geared for kids. Be lucky it was only the dog's nails and not lipstick on five care bears, two rooms of carpet, one dress and one child who looked like the Joker.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Did the dog NOT look good with the purple nails? I find that hard to believe...