If the Reincarnation Thing Works Out...

My children are in for a world of trouble.

Now I don't believe in reincarnation. I think you get one shot at life and you had better make the most of it and make the biggest impact while you are here because you aren't coming back around. But let's just pretend for a minute that I DO get to come back around.

Orangutan should probably hope that I come back as a fish. Then I will be limited to water and won't be able to invade her personal space every minute of every day. When I come back as her child (because I would totally do that to her) I will beg for food constantly from about .26 nanometers away. I will hang on every body part every chance I get. I will repeat myself 12 times for every request and I will only have one volume setting - EXTREMELY LOUD!!

Rhino is in for an even better life when I come back as his child. He's praying I come back as something inanimate like a rock. When I get back to him I am going to throw myself on the floor and scream constantly. I will only speak in whine and I will dissolve into a puddle of misery if the dog even looks at me funny. I will also be prone to random fits of aggravation like pinching, kicking, swatting, hair pulling, and name calling, all of which will be conducted on the run. Sprint by annoyance, if you will.

But I'm saving my best for Marmie I think. She hopes I come back as royalty because then I will have to mind my manners and use perpetual decorum. No way, baby girl! I will burp at all the inoportune times. I will randomly run squealing through the grocery store. I will just stop and spin in circles in the middle of every parking lot. I will have limitless curiosity. Oh, and I definitely plan to be devoid of all notions of cleanliness. I will not put away any toys; I will color on everything (including any pets and myself) except the coloring books and construction paper. And I will be insane!

Wait. Now that I think about it, I might not have to come back after all. I can just keep plotting until I'm about 82 and then move in with them for 4 months at a time! I'll rotate homes and work my magic!

Forget the Mother's Curse! I'm going for the Mother's Revenge!!

Mom Tip #20 - A Mother's Revenge.

Revenge is sweet (so keep a journal)!

Imagine if you will that we are fast forwarding 14 years to Tuck’s first date. Imagine that I take that opportunity to recount the following story.

While Tuck was potty training I made it a point to make sure that no matter where we were or what we were doing, if he said he had to go potty I would take him. It seems that his favorite time to tell me this was when we were in the middle of the grocery store. This meant parking the cart, unloading Meghan, grabbing the diaper bag and herding the three children into the handicap stall of the ladies’ restroom where there was room for all four of us.

On one particular trip, the handicapped stall was already occupied by someone else. Tuck made a beeline for the stall only to pull on the handle and find the door locked. So being a boy of two, he decided to check this situation out a little further. He was not content to just look under the door and see feet – no, the Boy had to stick his entire head under the door and yell, “Hey Mom! Dere’s a yady in dere!”

By this point I had him by the waistband of his shorts and was hauling him backward and into the stall next to the handicapped stall. Four people don’t fit in a standard one person stall so I was standing with the door open, Tuck on the potty (still lecturing me about the “yady” who was using “our” potty), Mo standing behind me emptying the diaper bag, and Munch on my hip trying to get down so she could personally study the cleanliness of the restroom.

Then the long suffering female next door coughed.

“Mom!! Mom!! Dat yady BARFED!!!”

Do you know how badly public restrooms echo? We finished our business and started to leave. This time – and only this time! – he decided it was imperative that he wash his hands. I’m sure the “yady” was done with whatever she was doing but took mercy on me and stayed in the stall until we were well clear. I couldn’t help but wonder though every time we passed someone in the aisles from that point on if she was the one.

Back to present now. Can you imagine how satisfying this moment is going to be?! Oh yes, son! Go ahead and embarrass me now but know that I will have my day!